To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

People mean well, I understand where you’re coming from though.

You are grieving OP.... YANBU for feeling how you feel. Sending love and strength

I' m so sorry for your dreadful loss. Deep condolences.
My father died just before Christmas when I was 10. We were expected by the extended family to carry on regardless.

On the day, I was told to open my present from my father. Really expensive riding boots. I was made to try them on and everyone admired them. I never wore them again.
Some people are just bereft of empathy.

My youngest sister and I were very close, and she committed suicide on Christmas Eve ten years ago, and my father died on Christmas Eve four years ago so I understand heavy feelings at this time of year.

I tend to take a pragmatic approach to most things, and even though this is a difficult time of the year for me, I know that there is no malice on anyone elses part. While my world may have stopped, I would feel unreasonable to expect anyone elses to. This time of the year is often especially stressful and hectic in the best of times for most people, so I try and cut them some slack.

Trying not to sound like I'm picking on your post , but just to say that the popularised 5 stages of grief aren't actually that at all and were originally 5 stages of coming to terms with dying and then popularised as grief stages and rarely fit - take it from one who has done extensive grief counselling-one may never truly ' accept ' but will learn to live.
I don't agree that op should have to accept those cards because the sender can't engage themselves in a small semblance of empathy. The fact that people cannot deal with their own discomfort about the death of her son is , quite frankly, not her problem- she has enough of her own problems. I hate this mantra of 'oh but they mean well' so we should put on the mask and just blindly accept - no sorry people need to do better.
How alone do you think it makes her feel when people just disregard the most devastating major event in her life? That she has to pretend everything is grand to her actual family to save their feelings?
Not just picking on you because so many said it but I really think this is a sad thread to show the deep misunderstanding of child loss and its devastating effects.

I am so very sorry OP.

Having read your updates about these people, they are not the sort I’d maintain a relationship with. They clearly aren’t thinking about you at all. I would likely not approach them about it now, if anything I would mention in the height of summer that you do not send or wish to receive Christmas cards because it’s such an awful time for you, hope they understand and you won’t be offended at all if they send them to everyone else but you. I have family members who say it’s Beyond rude to send Christmas cards to SOME but not ALL people you know. So opting to tell everyone you’re not doing it full stop, at a non festive time, seems to be the way forward.

Sending love ❤️

No
I agree with the OP
People sending cards could be saying we wish you a peaceful
Christmas and just to say we are thinking of you at this sad time!

What has happened to sympathy?

What a devastating, unimaginable loss. I'm so very sorry, OP.

You are entitled to feel as you feel. It doesn't matter if the cards are well-meaning; what matters is their effect. They are emphasising the usual joy and sentimentality of Christmas with no acknowledgement of what a painful time this is to the bereaved, especially those whose losses are so shocking and so recent.

Christmas is a hard time for many; for you the pain must be almost unendurable. And whilst people can't claim to understand how this feels, it doesn't take a great deal of imagination, empathy or tact to comprehend that bulldozing on as though it never happened isn't perhaps the ideal response. A simple 'thinking of you' card, with a sincere message that they are there for you (and mean it) would likely cut a great deal less. It's the complete lack of any thought that must hurt.

I think your husband needs to talk to them. Needless to say I am not with the numerous 'gentle' YABUs. No one can walk this path for you, or know how you need to grieve, and this isn't something at all helpful for you to hear.

YANBU. I hope you get through this incredibly tough season, one day at a time, and find some form of peace. 💐💐💐💐

@Evanted76 - I would like to sincerely apologise. On reflection you are NOT being unreasonable and the people around you should think and respect you. I'm so sorry.

I think the people saying YABU are answering the question of whether it's reasonable to be angry with people for sending Christmas cards.

Of course it's reasonable to grieve however you need to grieve, and if the cards upset you that's a valid feeling. I think you should let people know it's a trigger for you, or just let your DH deal with the post during this time.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss and I completely understand that pain is still very raw and strong...

As far as I am concerned YANBU. You are not complaining about acquaintances/friends/neighbours who don't know what happened or do not understand the full extent of your trauma. You're talking about family members who should know better. I would never, in a thousand years, send 'happy Christmas' message to someone who suffered a loss or had a life altering (negatively) event near the holidays. It is not really rocket science, is it?!

Are they your sons grandparents also?? People deal with grief differently especially at Christmas, some try and keep it normal and some just forget it all together and try to avoid it but unless you say to people thank you for thinking of us but I would appreciate no cards at Christmas you can't really blame them. I've also lost a child at Christmas is so difficult and I know family and friends don't know what to do or send xx sorry about your son xx

Another yabu, unless you have explicitly said never to send a card people do not know your thoughts. Unfortunately bad things happen at Christmas to many people, some would be offended by friends NOT sending Christmas cards.

I'm so sorry for your loss but remember people cannot know how you feel

Also remember 3 years on people do differ on how they want others to be with them - one of my good friends doesn't like people to bring up his son's name apart from on set days, whereas I know a lady who like you to talk about her dd. I want to be kind and empathetic to everyone but because we are all different it can be hard to get it right

I'm so sorry for what you are still going through. Haven't read the full thread, but I have bought cards last Christmas for bereaved people with "Thinking of you at Christmas" and any families in similar circumstances are often remembered in Christmas church services and prayers.
I sincerely hope that the pain will ease in years to come.

It is heartbreaking to recieve Christnas cards with all the families names on apart from the one who has died recently. Especially when it is a child or young adult.

YANBU - I often say that you can't grieve wrong, you can only do it your way. I'm sorry about your DS.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to ask people not to send them - perhaps he could ask them to make a donation to a charity to remember your DS.

Wishing you peace.

I don't understand your reply at all. None of what you have written relates to my situation. I am not talking about friends sending Xmas cards, but grandparents who are considered close family members. And also lost a grandson. And "bad things happen to many people at Xmas" seriously??

Thank you for your reply.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine your pain as losing one son has nearly broken me.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your brother.

Her husband has also lost a child, is he allowed to grieve in his own way? He might like getting Christmas cards, he might find it too difficult to raise it with his father but whatever the reason his feelings should also be respected.

It can be hard to reconcile everyone's needs, if the husband wants the cards maybe he could have them somewhere that won't upset the OP, his office, his garage or whatever. Personally I would be very upset if my husband decided to throw away something my family sent me.

Have you asked them not to ?

So very sorry for your loss.

My god OP, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. For what it's worth, I don't think you are being even the tiniest bit unreasonable. A typical Christmas card from such a close family member is just unbelievably thoughtless.