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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think four present rule seems a bit mean?

276 replies

antelopevalley · 14/12/2022 15:20

I mean you do you.
But secretly I do think it is a bit mean. Although you probably would think we are tacky as our children have a big wrapped pile of presents at Christmas.

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 15/12/2022 17:32

A phone, a comic, a power bank and a jumper along with a stocking actually seems like a pretty generous pile.
We are relatively wealthy (private school, house in London etc) and mine would be happy with that!

woodhill · 15/12/2022 17:50

3WildOnes · 15/12/2022 17:32

A phone, a comic, a power bank and a jumper along with a stocking actually seems like a pretty generous pile.
We are relatively wealthy (private school, house in London etc) and mine would be happy with that!

And mine

Assuming dps are paying the phone contract

Athenen0ctua · 15/12/2022 18:18

woodhill · 15/12/2022 17:50

And mine

Assuming dps are paying the phone contract

Mine would be too. A child old enough to have a phone is old enough to understand the cost of things and that they are therefore getting a decent pile there. DS is getting a tablet and case then some chocolate and sweets. He knows a tablet costs a lot!

woodhill · 15/12/2022 18:32

I'm sorting out my adult dcs presents now and the worst thing is trying to sep d the same and then one has more itms

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 18:34

Teenagers do need a phone. And unlike some on here we don't have swanky phones we can pass on when we upgrade.

OP posts:
Athenen0ctua · 15/12/2022 18:59

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 18:34

Teenagers do need a phone. And unlike some on here we don't have swanky phones we can pass on when we upgrade.

Who said they didn't need one? Doesn't mean it isn't a decent present. DS and I have £120 phones, I don't know if that is 'swanky' or not?

honeylulu · 15/12/2022 19:30

I don't think four presents is necessarily mean. There are lots of situations where it would be OK.
Ours do get more presents than that but it's in the context of:

  1. We can afford it. Some people can't.
  2. Some people buy their kids lots of stuff spread throughout the year so don't want or need to go overboard. We tend to say (unless it's something essential) no, put it on your Christmas/ birthday list and then they get a bit of a pile all at once. I don't think either way is right or wrong.
  3. It includes stocking presents which the "4 gifters" may do too but not count.
  4. Only one or two are main/pricey presents. This year son has a new phone and daughter has a new tablet. The other stuff is nice but medium or smaller and includes things like chocolate and socks.
  5. Apart from some money or a voucher from my parents and a gift from godparents they don't get presents from aunts/uncles/anyone else.
OnceUponAThread · 15/12/2022 20:06

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 18:34

Teenagers do need a phone. And unlike some on here we don't have swanky phones we can pass on when we upgrade.

Agreed. But that just proves that doing the rhyme isn't mean.

Are you genuinely (and you have ignored every other poster who has given examples, so I suspect you don't really want to engage) saying the following example is mean:

Want: Latest PlayStation or XBox
Need: Latest iPhone
Wear: Expensive designer trainers
Read: Fancy folio edition of a much loved book

  • Santa stocking of: games to go with console, portable phone charger, phone case, pyjamas, chocolate, vouchers, etc.

To my mind that example would be a HUGE Christmas haul as almost each present is a main present. I can't imagine any teenager considering that mean.

It entirely depends on the present in question.

If it was:

Want: puzzle
Need: exercise book
Wear: socks
Read: magazine

  • that would be mean (if parents could afford more).

If the list was.

Want: Holiday of a lifetime
Need: Lamborghini
Wear: Christian Dior bespoke outfit
Read: first edition of a long lost book

Stocking: diamond earrings, designer perfume, iPhone etc.

That would clearly be ridiculously over the top. (Although maybe not in a billionaire family).

The point of want, need, wear, read in my family is to:

  1. focus on quality not quantity
  2. cope with limited space
  3. cut down on junk and plastic
  4. get us and the children really thinking about what we want
  5. balance the huge amounts of gifts from wider family
  6. end up with well chosen presents that everyone loves.

Nothing about it is mean in the slightest

woodhill · 15/12/2022 20:36

I totally agree

Teenagers don't need the latest i phone

Apollonia1 · 15/12/2022 23:49

My twins are toddlers.

They don't "want" much (they asked for a real banana and a real strawberry from Santa)
They don't "need" anything, since they've loads of everything.
They've loads of clothes to wear.
They've over a hundred books to read.

So I just got them things I think they'd like - train track, magnetic tiles, Peppa pig jigsaw, puzzles, etc.

CrapBucket · 15/12/2022 23:58

Something you want
Something you need
Something to wear
Something to eat
Something to drink
Something to throw (in the bin)
Something to burn
Something to return (hoping they don't ask for receipt)
Something to sell afterwards
Something to regift

LaTangerina · 16/12/2022 06:43

CrapBucket · 15/12/2022 23:58

Something you want
Something you need
Something to wear
Something to eat
Something to drink
Something to throw (in the bin)
Something to burn
Something to return (hoping they don't ask for receipt)
Something to sell afterwards
Something to regift

I like your list 😂

sheepdogdelight · 16/12/2022 07:45

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 18:34

Teenagers do need a phone. And unlike some on here we don't have swanky phones we can pass on when we upgrade.

Doesn't have to be be a swanky phone though.
We offer our DC very basic phones, or the option of having nicer ones at Christmas/birthdays. So I assumed (perhaps incorrectly) that you were doing this. If, in your 4 present example, the main present was a basic phone and the parents could afford more, I do agree this is mean.

sheepdogdelight · 16/12/2022 07:55

Apollonia1 · 15/12/2022 23:49

My twins are toddlers.

They don't "want" much (they asked for a real banana and a real strawberry from Santa)
They don't "need" anything, since they've loads of everything.
They've loads of clothes to wear.
They've over a hundred books to read.

So I just got them things I think they'd like - train track, magnetic tiles, Peppa pig jigsaw, puzzles, etc.

I think this is a good example of a family where (presumably) the parents and possibly extended family have just bought things across the year so it's hard to know what to get come Christmas and a huge pile is not really necessary.

And that's totally different to the situation in families where the children have their basic needs (sufficient clothing but not "loads") met but not really lots of "extras" in which case having a pile is more of a thing (and probably still less than the first type of family spent over the year).

For the first type of family it's definitely not "mean" to get 4 presents.

LisaJool · 16/12/2022 09:41

I used to be in the piles of presents camp. We recently got told we have to leave our long term rental home, and I'm not joking when I say at least 50% of our belongings are going to charity shops/the dump. A massive switch has been flicked for me, why oh why do we have so much stuff that the dc aren't even utilising? As a child we got piles of presents and I was never grateful for it.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 16/12/2022 09:58

I could stick to that and I don't think I it would be mean -
Want - concert ticket/ Harry Potter world ticket
Need - new trainers. Will be a brand they like/ not sure yet
Wear - branded hoodie/Harry Potter hoodie
Read - couple of books each
I'll add some chocolates too.

TravellingSpoon · 16/12/2022 10:27

I do it, have always done it.

It's not mean, it cuts down on crap and makes me focus on getting good gifts rather than a scattergun approach of getting lots of gifts with no meaning.

DD is 14 and is getting

New Converse - wear
New perfume-want
New headphones - need as hers are almost broken
Last book of the trilogy she is reading - read.
And then a stocking with chocolate, face masks, pin badges, socks and fluffy bed socks.

It works for us, it won't work for some people but it doesn't have to be a mean thing.

melj1213 · 16/12/2022 11:51

ExDH and I have always used the want/need/wear/read "rules" as a guideline for our present buying for DD so that we can:

a) make sure we don't go overboard buying loads of tat for the sake of it. It is so easy to buy lots and lots of little things for them to open on Christmas Day that never sees the light of day again until it gets sent to the charity shop because it is never used or binned because it was broken on the first use.

b) make sure there's a variety of things for her to open - yes if DD wanted 24 Lego sets we'd get her a few but I also think it's good to ensure she doesn't only get toys for Christmas/birthdays but also gets other presents like clothes/experiences/books and can see them as presents too. It's so sad to see so many people deride the "wear/read" part because clothes and books aren't "real" presents.

As a bookworm child, I would have loved nothing more than to just get a massive pile of books on Christmas day and I would have been over the moon so now whenever I'm buying presents for children I always automatically buy them a book and something else. Likewise with clothes - I will always buy DD any clothes she needs but anything that is OTT or expensive has always been, and will always be, a present. So I will happily buy her a new coat if she needs it but it will be practical and within my budget ... If she wants the entirely unpractical neon pink fluffy dry clean only jacket that she will be able to wear maybe the 10 days a year that are chilly enough to wear it but not wet enough to get ruined (we live in the NW where it's rainy 90% of the year) then it will be a Christmas/birthday gift.

c) be more conscious of the things we buy - quality over quantity and all that. I could easily just buy loads and loads of things here and there and buy far too much but instead we buy her a few well thought out things following the want/need/wear/read system and then family buy her whatever they want. As ExDH and I are separated she gets gifts from both of us plus both our extended families - my side is massive so lots of gifts even at just one from everyone whereas DHs is small but she's the only child so family spoil her rotten by buying multiple gifts. We would never tell family to stop buying her stuff so we just limit what we buy her to keep it at manageable levels.

d) budgeting - I use the want/need/wear/read system and structure my budget so I'm roughly spending equally per "rule" so theres a nice balance of gifts. Some years it might mean DD gets one big Lego set as a want but a set of a series of 5 books as her read as they are weighted equally in the budget; the following year she might get lots of little art things (pencils/pens/paints/pencil case/sketchbook etc) as her want and one fancy, hardback illustrated copy of a favourite book as her read; the year after she might get a day out somewhere as her want and a Kindle as her read etc ... the categories are fixed but the quantity/budget is flexible.

e) setting expectations - I want DD to appreciate the gifts she is given and if she just gets a massive pile of stuff then it is overwhelming and I don't think it's appreciated the same as receiving a few carefully thought out presents. Whether she gets 10 presents or 100 presents I want DD to be grateful that she received presents not turn into Dudley Dursley because she only got 36 presents this year but she had 38 last year.

It's easy when they're little to make present piles look impressive as presents tend to be cheaper but bigger but as they get older the presents get smaller but more expensive so I want DD to appreciate the gift she has not the size of the pile. For example I have spent £60 on my baby niece. I bought a jumparoo, a couple of big board books, a teddy and a Christmas dress and it's a big pile of stuff; I spent £60 on my teen nephew. It consists of a PlayStation game he wants, a graphic novel from his favourite series, the traditional lynx gift set and a beanie hat from his favourite football team ... Both sets of gifts follow the want/need/wear/read but one is a massive pile of stuff and the other all fits in a medium sized gift bag with room to spare for some chocolate/sweets but I've spent equitably on them both.

WaddleAway · 16/12/2022 11:55

The people who say clothes aren’t a gift… my 7 year old really wants a sequinned bomber jacket from Marks and Spencers. It’s completely impractical and she absolutely doesn’t need it, but she loves it, so I’ve bought it for her for Christmas. Would you see an item like that as an essential and therefore buy it as and when?

Zipps · 16/12/2022 11:59

I think having a number then sticking to it is for people with more willpower than me! Also I don't think it's mean if the four presents are really good. They could be £100+ each. I've never bought loads of bits and bobs or tat for the sake of it. I always start off getting adult dc around six things but end up with a few more things when I see them, that I know they will love.

Hugasauras · 16/12/2022 12:03

Who on earth thinks books aren't presents?! DDs get books all year round but you can still give them as gifts. DD has got some lovely books to open this year. I used to love my Christmas Day book haul as a child! My mum always put one in my stocking to try and delay me getting up and bothering her Grin

NoNamesLeft234678 · 16/12/2022 14:29

I'm doing a want, wear, need, read and a stocking from santa and then far too much from us 😅

LT2 · 16/12/2022 15:44

Wouldn't say it's cruel if the child has had that from their very first Christmas.

Would be sad if they've had lots of presents in the past.

Athenen0ctua · 16/12/2022 16:47

sheepdogdelight · 16/12/2022 07:55

I think this is a good example of a family where (presumably) the parents and possibly extended family have just bought things across the year so it's hard to know what to get come Christmas and a huge pile is not really necessary.

And that's totally different to the situation in families where the children have their basic needs (sufficient clothing but not "loads") met but not really lots of "extras" in which case having a pile is more of a thing (and probably still less than the first type of family spent over the year).

For the first type of family it's definitely not "mean" to get 4 presents.

What's annoying is if you are the second type of family but still can't afford piles of presents at Christmas (unless your child missed out on normal childhood experiences like cubs/scouts), but MN assumes you are the first type of family and starts calling you MC!

LisaJool · 16/12/2022 17:08

I've said this before but growing up we got piles and piles of stuff. Our nanny was a young woman from a large Catholic family, they lived in a tiny very overcrowded house. At Christmas they didn't get presents once they were over 16 to prioritise the younger ones, who really only got very basic stuff that wouldn't even be considered a proper present on MN.
Christmas at their house was magical. Gaudy decorations covering every inch of the ceiling, twinkly lights attached to all surfaces and Mary's boy child and other carols (a very tacky, country and Western style) blasting on the stereo. The dad used to dress up as santa and the whole street would come. There were no presents at all, but the atmosphere was electric. Looking back this is what Christmas was all about. Every time I think of this I get something stuck in my eye 😢

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