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Original poster

Religious friend says my mums in hell!

331 replies

Rosiesmydog · 13/12/2022 10:18

Excuse the rather hysterical subject title! She didn’t actually say she is, only that she may be…
context: my mum died last month. She was 99 and very frail. She had Covid. That’s on the DC but afaic she died of extreme old age.
I met with a very good friend of mine last night. GF is very religious…I’m absolutely not. I don’t believe in the hereafter or god or any other deity. GF knows this but tolerates my ungodliness. GF offered condolences and let me rabbit on about my mum. All well and good…
I spoke about the funeral, how we had a celebrant but had a hymn as my mum did have a little bit of faith and did a lot with the church when I was a kid. However, my mum was often hard work and I jokingly made a throwaway remark about how I used to tell her she’d never go to heaven and she’d end up in hell (all in jest).

last night I got a msg from her, basically saying that if mum hadnt accepted Jesus as lord and saviour then she will be in hell and that I should accept him or I’ll end up there…
really don’t know how to respond to this! Feeling quite upset that GF has judged my mum by her standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.
just looking for some words of wisdom from you folks I guess. I don’t want to break a friendship, she’s always known how I feel about religion but I think she’s crossed a line here and I feel quite conflicted. Im tempted to just ignore and sweep it under the carpet, but it’s blighted what was a good friendship and at a difficult time for me, given my recent loss 😔. I now realise that joking about heaven and hell to a committed Christian is a big no no!

OP posts:
DipperandMabel · 13/12/2022 10:46

Tell her to fuck off! ( I wouldn’t actually message this but wow I would be tempted to!) What an awful thing to message you, how mean of your so-called ‘friend’. Who needs enemies with friends like that, eh?

Sorry for loss x

Tdcp · 13/12/2022 10:46

As bad as this is, I think the fact that this wasn't an 'off the cuff' remark during a conversation makes it even worse. She's thought about this, written it out, read it back and then sent it to you hours later.

I have religious friends, I am an atheist, we are respectful to each other about our beliefs (or non beliefs), especially in situations like you've described.

She is not a friend to you.

Ladysodor · 13/12/2022 10:47

Cut her out of your life altogether, she’s not a friend.

mishl · 13/12/2022 10:47

I would feel deeply uncomfortable. Some Christians do believe this and that's their right, obviously, since we live in a country that has freedom of religion. But to express her views in this way to you when you're grieving just seems incredibly insensitive

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/12/2022 10:47

I think I’d reply:

There’s no hate like Christian love is there 🥰

Then I’d block her and probably never speak to her again. But I have been known to hold a grudge.

Luana1 · 13/12/2022 10:47

Your friend is demented and not really your friend. Ok fine if her religious mania makes her think this, but no reasonable person would have actually messaged that to anyone about their mother (or anyone else for that matter!).

JoyBeorge · 13/12/2022 10:48

Seriously this is not a good friend. When my mother was dying our close neighbours who were devout Jehovah's Witnesses sat with her often and were there for us every moment that we needed them. Not once did they bring religion into the support they were offering us. There was only one occasion when things progressed and we knew mum would not have long left, the wife held my hand as I cried and said gently 'I can't tell you about it, but it wasn't meant to be like this'. And that was it. That's all she ever said. I learned after that it was a reference to her belief that in God's original plan there was meant to be no suffering and we are meant to live forever but it all went wrong. I knew what she meant and it was never mentioned again by either of us. That was ten years ago, I've since moved away from the area and think of the old neighbour often for her warmth, kindness and friendship when I needed her. She would never have dreamed about making a comment like your so called good friend did. Honestly, re-evaluate that friendship and ask how much you really need that sort of input.

Frabbits · 13/12/2022 10:48

SaySomethingMan · 13/12/2022 10:39

Can I ask those people who don’t believe in heaven and hell, why they get upset by someone saying they’re going to hell?
if someone told me I was going to Jahannam, I would not be bothered in the slightest because I don’t believe.

  1. It's applying a judgement to someone that they are a bad person by a set of completely logically inconsistent rules, many of which are actually completely immoral.
  2. It's implying that a loved one is suffering the eternal torment of hell or whatever bullshit it's supposed to be.
Murasakispillowbook · 13/12/2022 10:48

No god worth worshipping would condone sending a thought out, spiteful message like that to anyone. Let alone someone grieving. She's a nasty piece of work, not a Christian

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 13/12/2022 10:48

Your friend is an evangelical Christian? She will be trying to save you, from her perspective this is showing concern - clearly not what you need or want to hear while still grieving for your mum Flowers

Archibaldleach · 13/12/2022 10:49

Not a very Christian thing to do. Where is the kindness. I am sure Jesus would not agree with your friend. Quote her some passage from the bible about kindness and not judging others.

Rowthe · 13/12/2022 10:49

SaySomethingMan · 13/12/2022 10:39

Can I ask those people who don’t believe in heaven and hell, why they get upset by someone saying they’re going to hell?
if someone told me I was going to Jahannam, I would not be bothered in the slightest because I don’t believe.

This.

Believers believe in heaven and hell, and believe anyone who doesnt believe in their God is going to hell.

If you dont believe in God, it shouldn't bother you what this woman says about the afterlife.

Pemba · 13/12/2022 10:49

What an awful thing to say to you. Cannot stand this type of 'Christian', I feel that Jesus wouldn't have acknowledged them. Like the gun-toting, woman hating, Trump-loving 'Christians' you find in the USA. By their fruits you shall know them, as the Bible says. As others have said, this type generally conveniently ignore all the turn the other cheek and give all you have to the poor stuff, don't they?

She's been vile, what do you really get from this friendship?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/12/2022 10:49

Sorry for your loss.

How does she think that sending judgemental shite to a bereaved person would bring them closer to God. She is hardly an advert for Christian compassion.

My DDad was very religious (church everyday) and he said nobody can know the relationship an individual has with God. Your friend is assuming they know how God thinks.

I am not religious but most religious people I know would not have said that. Your friend is trying to “save” you because she cares about you but has handled it very badly.

randomusername666 · 13/12/2022 10:49

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/12/2022 10:40

I'd say "well it's a good job it's all make-believe then isn't it!" What a judgey cow.

Yes, agree you should send this message back to her.

notanothertakeaway · 13/12/2022 10:52

Kingoftheroad · 13/12/2022 10:34

I’m very religious and I can tell you categorically that your friend has absolutely
no right to say this. I believe that God is so much bigger than this and only he knows what’s in our hearts. Only God can decide who enters heaven. He is a tolerant, loving, forgiving God and right up until the last breath he allows us free choice. No one but no one knows what goes on in anyone else’s heart except God.

I would personally tell her that you were hurt by her comments and that you’d prefer not to discuss this in the future, forgive her (for your own sake) and move on.

ps Joke away

wishing you every happiness

@Kingoftheroad That's a lovely way to look at it

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 13/12/2022 10:53

I find ‘fuck off’ to be a reasonable response in such circumstances. You obviously don’t want her in your life any more - no friend would behave like this, after all - so it will be a quick and easy way to get rid of her.

ancientgran · 13/12/2022 10:53

I don't know what variety of Christianity she follows, I'm Catholic so grew up with my beliefs summed up in The Apostle's Creed, it says, He (Jesus) will come again to judge the living and the dead. Maybe she should reflect on that, she is not the judge and maybe her unkindness will be judged.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/12/2022 10:54

The thing is, they do believe this stuff. If you truly believed that you could save your friend from torment by getting them to worship Jesus, what kind of friend would you be NOT to try, and they get that drummed into them at church.

I just say "No-Thank-You-l'm-Catholic" which seems to make them give up.

Surroundedbyfools · 13/12/2022 10:54

id Tell this “good friend” to take a running fuck to themselves. I abso do not believe in heaven/hell but even if I did I certainly would never say this to anyone who is grieving. They r not a friend !

mamabear715 · 13/12/2022 10:54

I had a churchgoing 'friend' like this too.. I'm Christian & spiritual, but she would not accept that mediumship etc was helpful to people grieving losses, (there IS a Heaven!) & told me it was the devil sending messages.. I said we'll have to agree to disagree (Mamabear speak for BACK OFF, I'm getting really pissed off now) but she would NOT let it go.
She also assumed, & told a mutual friend, that because I have a strong regional accent, I couldn't possibly have had (afforded) horses when I was younger (WHAT?) & that two other friends of ours were gay (two males sharing a house) they weren't, but if they had been, what business is it of hers?
I don't care if you're Christian or not, I do NOT like judgemental.

Heliumburgers · 13/12/2022 10:55

Pemba · 13/12/2022 10:49

What an awful thing to say to you. Cannot stand this type of 'Christian', I feel that Jesus wouldn't have acknowledged them. Like the gun-toting, woman hating, Trump-loving 'Christians' you find in the USA. By their fruits you shall know them, as the Bible says. As others have said, this type generally conveniently ignore all the turn the other cheek and give all you have to the poor stuff, don't they?

She's been vile, what do you really get from this friendship?

I feel like this sort are on the rise in the UK.
But maybe that is because I recently met one, she was slagging off the local church for not being Christian enough.
Very curious to know whether its on the rise or I just happened to meet one of the few.

twinkletwinkle007 · 13/12/2022 10:55

She is not your friend.

SaySomethingMan · 13/12/2022 10:58

Frabbits · 13/12/2022 10:48

  1. It's applying a judgement to someone that they are a bad person by a set of completely logically inconsistent rules, many of which are actually completely immoral.
  2. It's implying that a loved one is suffering the eternal torment of hell or whatever bullshit it's supposed to be.
Show quote history

I kind of understand the first point but the friend didn’t say OP’s mum was a bad person. She said she’s not accepted Jesus as her personal saviour.

OP has stated that they’ve respected each other’s views for however long, until OP decided to make a joke about her friend’s beliefs.

The second point is what I just don’t get. Why be bothered about your loved one being in a place that doesn’t exist- good or bad?

mamabear715 · 13/12/2022 10:59

@Heliumburgers my sister has often said that some strict churchgoers wear big hats to cover their sins.. :-)

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