Religious friend says my mums in hell!

[Rosiesmydog]

Excuse the rather hysterical subject title! She didn’t actually say she is, only that she may be…
context: my mum died last month. She was 99 and very frail. She had Covid. That’s on the DC but afaic she died of extreme old age.
I met with a very good friend of mine last night. GF is very religious…I’m absolutely not. I don’t believe in the hereafter or god or any other deity. GF knows this but tolerates my ungodliness. GF offered condolences and let me rabbit on about my mum. All well and good…
I spoke about the funeral, how we had a celebrant but had a hymn as my mum did have a little bit of faith and did a lot with the church when I was a kid. However, my mum was often hard work and I jokingly made a throwaway remark about how I used to tell her she’d never go to heaven and she’d end up in hell (all in jest).

last night I got a msg from her, basically saying that if mum hadnt accepted Jesus as lord and saviour then she will be in hell and that I should accept him or I’ll end up there…
really don’t know how to respond to this! Feeling quite upset that GF has judged my mum by her standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.
just looking for some words of wisdom from you folks I guess. I don’t want to break a friendship, she’s always known how I feel about religion but I think she’s crossed a line here and I feel quite conflicted. Im tempted to just ignore and sweep it under the carpet, but it’s blighted what was a good friendship and at a difficult time for me, given my recent loss 😔. I now realise that joking about heaven and hell to a committed Christian is a big no no!

Your "friend" is a dick. I would not speak to her again.

I’m very religious and I can tell you categorically that your friend has absolutely
no right to say this. I believe that God is so much bigger than this and only he knows what’s in our hearts. Only God can decide who enters heaven. He is a tolerant, loving, forgiving God and right up until the last breath he allows us free choice. No one but no one knows what goes on in anyone else’s heart except God.

I would personally tell her that you were hurt by her comments and that you’d prefer not to discuss this in the future, forgive her (for your own sake) and move on.

ps Joke away

wishing you every happiness

I'd ask her why on earth she thinks that's an appropriate thing to say to you. And unless she fully apologises I wouldn't see her any more. It doesn't matter what her beliefs are - She has no empathy for you.

She's a non friend. That's an awful thing to say.

You really don't need her in your life. I can't bear religious freaks who try to foster their own brand of lunacy onto others.

id tell her to go fuck herself and let this friendship go

There's a massive difference between having a conversation about beliefs including thoughts on "heaven" and "hell" and texting a recently bereaved friend that their mother is in "hell".
One is respectful the other is at best thoughtless and at worst nasty.
I'd be fine having a friend who holds different religious beliefs but wouldn't want a friend who could be so thoughtless and hurtful.

Your actions going forward depends how much you value your friend. It's an insensitive thing to say to you when you must be hurting over the loss of your mum. Though in her mind, as a fundamentalist Christian, she perhaps feels that she's being nice and helpful in telling you what she believes and it's come from love for you. Which I know sounds irrational!

I agree with a PP above that 'Christian' behaviour should be about being a good and decent person in everyday life rather than standing up and claiming Jesus as your saviour. The latter seems a bit like an easy get-out-of-jail free card for any crappy behaviour.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My mum has been gone for 6 years and I still miss her. Best wishes to you.

One of my favourites to do something like this and say 'so you believe you're going to hell I take it?'
But quite often with the extreme christains the rules don't apply. Or concluded that god forgives them / understands. Really the only christains (hypothetically) not going to hell are the Armish.

Can I ask those people who don’t believe in heaven and hell, why they get upset by someone saying they’re going to hell?
if someone told me I was going to Jahannam, I would not be bothered in the slightest because I don’t believe.

If this happened to me I would think she was odd and probably would stay away, but I would also think if I am not religious then it if I don't beleive in heaven/hell etc. Then it can't hurt me as it doesn't exist so it's just words

Still odd though

Because despite not believing in hell it’s perfectly possible to be offended by someone not only taking the opportunity to proselytise whilst you’re vulnerable and grieving, but also telling you that a loved one is enjoying a fiery afterlife.

Having a silly belief does not mean you have to share it.

I'd say "well it's a good job it's all make-believe then isn't it!" What a judgey cow.

Id reply that i hope i get sent to hell rather than spend my entire afterlife with people like her

Ultimately, we are all entitled to believe whatever we want.

We can all keep our traps shut and refrain from unhelpfully and unkindly sharing our beliefs with others who don't share them.

I wouldn't end a friendship over this, but I would tell the friend that it wasn't a welcome observation, and that you don't wish to bring religion into your friendship again.

She is crackers.

Is that a genuine question? Because her mum just died and this 'friend' has made insensitive and offensive comments about it.

OP, I'd be tempted to cut contact but, if you don't want to, I like the pp's suggestion of 'I value your friendship, but you crossed a line. I would prefer to keep religion out of our friendship.' See how she responds. If she does anything other than wholeheartedly apologise, she's no friend.

I'm an atheist but it would bother me because it implies that the 'believer' thinks your mum was a 'bad' person. I wouldn't want to listen to that shit if I was grieving.

Sorry for your loss op

I’m not normally offended by being told I’m going to hell either, but if I’m grieving and a friend decides to tell me, in all seriousness, that my dearly departed in hanging out in whatever underworld and I should hop on the religion train in order to avoid the same fate, you can bet your ass I’m going to be fucked off about it.

Spreading the word of God should be done by actions, not words or threats. If your only devotion to God is through fear then it's not true devotion. You should be a good person because you want to be a good person, not because you fear the afterlife.

Unless she is claiming to be as infallible as or on par with god, she can't make claims or statements on his behalf either.

Tell her to fuck off and how disrespectful, rude and inappropriate that was.

Tell her she needs to discuss her religious and philosophical ideas that bother her with people at her church and it’s considered unkind to say this to people who are not religious.

I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective as someone who used to be a committed Christian.

I agree with everyone else that what she said was very insensitive. However, if she's a devoted Christian, she might have a lot of guilt surrounding her loved ones going to Hell, and she may feel compelled to tell you as it's her way of showing you love.

She genuinely believes you're going to burn in Hell if you don't accept Jesus, so she feels as though she can't sit back and let that happen.

I'd firmly explain that her message was insensitive and hurtful, and that you don't share her beliefs and therefore you don't want to discuss this matter further.

You will be able to tell from her response whether she is a good friend who was driven by guilt (and needs to work on her poor delivery), or whether she is someone you need to let go of.

“See you there 🍻 “

FIL told me there was no point getting to know DC because they weren't christened so would end up in a 'different place' for eternity. I said "So you'll be up there with Jimmy Savile and Mugabe and I'll be down there with DC because we aren't Catholics. He nodded. What a fool he is. I pity these fools.

I have a cleaner who is so kind I adore her and would consider us friends after all these years. She is also very religious and of the view fully accept Jesus Christ or go to hell. We avoid talking about such topics!! I can see why you are upset - but honestly given her religious beliefs I think she is trying to show you she cares about you. Personably if this was an isolated incident I would move on and let it go - if it continued then that’s another story. When covid started my cleaner is anti vax and said she was ok about her kids dying from covid as they were under 18 so would go straight to heaven. She also believes there is a second coming of sorts and we are all going to die soon. Which writing this down I know makes her sound crazy but that’s conversations of a few minutes long but she has worked hard tirelessly for me for years so I can’t just ignore her good points because she has some vastly different views to me