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Original poster

Religious friend says my mums in hell!

331 replies

Rosiesmydog · 13/12/2022 10:18

Excuse the rather hysterical subject title! She didn’t actually say she is, only that she may be…
context: my mum died last month. She was 99 and very frail. She had Covid. That’s on the DC but afaic she died of extreme old age.
I met with a very good friend of mine last night. GF is very religious…I’m absolutely not. I don’t believe in the hereafter or god or any other deity. GF knows this but tolerates my ungodliness. GF offered condolences and let me rabbit on about my mum. All well and good…
I spoke about the funeral, how we had a celebrant but had a hymn as my mum did have a little bit of faith and did a lot with the church when I was a kid. However, my mum was often hard work and I jokingly made a throwaway remark about how I used to tell her she’d never go to heaven and she’d end up in hell (all in jest).

last night I got a msg from her, basically saying that if mum hadnt accepted Jesus as lord and saviour then she will be in hell and that I should accept him or I’ll end up there…
really don’t know how to respond to this! Feeling quite upset that GF has judged my mum by her standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.
just looking for some words of wisdom from you folks I guess. I don’t want to break a friendship, she’s always known how I feel about religion but I think she’s crossed a line here and I feel quite conflicted. Im tempted to just ignore and sweep it under the carpet, but it’s blighted what was a good friendship and at a difficult time for me, given my recent loss 😔. I now realise that joking about heaven and hell to a committed Christian is a big no no!

OP posts:
Siriusmuggle · 13/12/2022 13:11

Unacceptable and unforgivable. This is one of my major objections to religion.

antelopevalley · 13/12/2022 13:11

Tell her you forgive her for her sin. Although you realise only God can decide whether to forgive her or not.

newnamequickly · 13/12/2022 13:15

It's a good thing God isn't religious. This man made stuff is hurtful, inaccurate and not helpful in the slightest.

I do happen to believe in God but I also believe in the thousand steps to unconsciousness after the body has departed this earth. In any one of these steps a person can acknowledge God. Your friends' beliefs are standard Christian beliefs trotted out time and time again.

I stopped going to church in 1987. I still believe in God. I just don't find the traditional Christian way very representative of the God I know.

Frabbits · 13/12/2022 13:16

Mittens1717 · 13/12/2022 13:09

This, if you dont believe in hell then surely you know your mum is not there, just tell your friend theres no such thing as hell

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Is it honestly so hard to understand why, even if you don't believe in it, having someone tell you your mother in hell is an utterly wankerish thing to do?

Eyerollcentral · 13/12/2022 13:16

OP is your friend a born-again Christian? I have a few born again friends and while they are genuinely lovely people who would do anything they could to help someone and see that as their duty, they also see it as their duty, being saved, to evangelise and tell those around them about salvation. As another poster referred to upthread I am also a Catholic and they don’t regard me as saved. Several have tried to get me to attend meetings, etc in the hope of saving my soul. I don’t agree with the posters saying these kind of people are indoctrinated, some may be, in the case of every one I know in fact they have thought deeply about their faith and live it through their daily lives. That said it is wildly insensitive to say that about your recently departed mum. As back to front as it sounds this friend will think she is being a loving friend by telling you to accept Christ, otherwise you are damned.

5128gap · 13/12/2022 13:16

Mittens1717 · 13/12/2022 13:09

This, if you dont believe in hell then surely you know your mum is not there, just tell your friend theres no such thing as hell

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I don't believe in hell either so would not be upset that there may be truth in it. Rather that a good friend thought it appropriate to judge my mum and to respond to my grief with something pointless, cruel and highly likely to upset me further.

PraiseTheSunshine · 13/12/2022 13:16

That's a horrible thing to say and I wouldn't consider her a friend at all after that. I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Herejustforthisone · 13/12/2022 13:19

Mittens1717 · 13/12/2022 13:09

This, if you dont believe in hell then surely you know your mum is not there, just tell your friend theres no such thing as hell

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Are you two so dense as to not see that these spiteful words would be deeply hurtful simply because they are coming from someone with such a fanatical belief? The OP may not believe the total nonsense but it’s hurtful by virtue of the fact that the friend truly does.

Doliveira · 13/12/2022 13:20

She’s in a bit of a self righteous lather and thought this was her moment to show you the path to salvation. Piggyback your “Saved” onto your comment about your mothers passing. Clumsy but well - intentioned?

if I liked her enough to retain the friendship I’d respond to her message with something like “ you’re clodhopping over familial grief here! ouch!”

I’m sorry for your loss, Op. 99 is a great age!

AnorLondo · 13/12/2022 13:21

Eyerollcentral · 13/12/2022 13:16

OP is your friend a born-again Christian? I have a few born again friends and while they are genuinely lovely people who would do anything they could to help someone and see that as their duty, they also see it as their duty, being saved, to evangelise and tell those around them about salvation. As another poster referred to upthread I am also a Catholic and they don’t regard me as saved. Several have tried to get me to attend meetings, etc in the hope of saving my soul. I don’t agree with the posters saying these kind of people are indoctrinated, some may be, in the case of every one I know in fact they have thought deeply about their faith and live it through their daily lives. That said it is wildly insensitive to say that about your recently departed mum. As back to front as it sounds this friend will think she is being a loving friend by telling you to accept Christ, otherwise you are damned.

OPs friend does not sound like a lovely person.

StaunchMomma · 13/12/2022 13:23

'For someone who is supposedly a Christian, you are a terribly judgemental, awful person

Do not ever contact me again'.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 13/12/2022 13:24

She's not a friend.

She's also not a true Christian or she would never have said it.

OP just ditch her.

messybutfun · 13/12/2022 13:28

i call it the heaven and hell Paradoxon. Why on earth would anybody spent eternity in a different place from family and friends! Where they go, I will follow.
Not sure you can call something heaven if your family is not there.

OwwwMuuuum · 13/12/2022 13:29

And this is why nobody goes to Church any more.

Mittens1717 · 13/12/2022 13:31

Frabbits · 13/12/2022 13:16

Is it honestly so hard to understand why, even if you don't believe in it, having someone tell you your mother in hell is an utterly wankerish thing to do?

Show quote history

Yes it's a terrible thing to say I never said it wasn't, but the OP needs to tell her friend she doesnt believe in hell so theres no point trying to upset her over it

Maray1967 · 13/12/2022 13:34

I’m a Christian- in a leadership role in my church. This friend has behaved appallingly. No one I know in my church would say something like that.
Im sorry for the loss of your Mum 💐

TinyChancer · 13/12/2022 13:34

She's not your friend, to say that about your mum is horrible. I would never forgive someone who said that. She's entitled to her beliefs but she doesn't need to force them upon you. Don't have anything more to do with her.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/12/2022 13:35

Whether she believes it or not, whether OP believes it or not, it is a grossly inconsiderate thing to say to a recently bereaved person. It doesn't matter whether OP's friend cares about OP's soul, she has said something inappropriate to a grieving friend, and that's not OK.

I don't believe in religions and am at peace with that. I would NEVER say something so crass, so far removed from a thoughtful sentiment that conveys sorrow and empathy to anyone bereaved, let alone a friend I considered dear. It's poor form and just not acceptable.

I know OP brought up the topic to her friend, albeit in a humorous way, but I wouldn't have taken that as a serious thing to expound on. I have two Christian friends and never bring up religious topics with them, even lightly, because I don't want to get into a situation like OP's (although I don't think either of my friends would say such a thing, they seem too tactful for that).

Cr3ateAUsername · 13/12/2022 13:36

If you don’t believe in hell why do you care?

Sakura7 · 13/12/2022 13:38

What an appalling thing to say to you. She's no friend.

I'd reply saying "that was a cruel, heartless and inappropriate thing to say, and it doesn't paint you in a good light as a Christian."

Then block her.

MsRosley · 13/12/2022 13:39

Tell her to stuff her antiquated religious bullshit up her arse.

Marths · 13/12/2022 13:49

Cr3ateAUsername · 13/12/2022 13:36

If you don’t believe in hell why do you care?

Yeah, would she care that her friend told her that her mother is deservedly being tortured in hell?

HotChoxs · 13/12/2022 13:50

OP Can I recommend "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Harold Kushner. He is a Rabbi who's 3 year old son was diagnosed with a terminal degenerative disease and has some interesting viewpoints on how he had to deal with peoples opinions on God's role in this.

HotChoxs · 13/12/2022 13:51

And your so called friend is obviously wrong.

speakout · 13/12/2022 13:57

Whether we are atheist or not it is a pretty horrible thing to tell someone they deserve to go to hell.
The christian saying this obviously thinks they deserve to go to hell.

If I tell someone I think they deserve to be shot in front of a firing squad because they are late for an appointment- it's pretty much the same thing.

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