Religious friend says my mums in hell!

[Rosiesmydog]

Excuse the rather hysterical subject title! She didn’t actually say she is, only that she may be…
context: my mum died last month. She was 99 and very frail. She had Covid. That’s on the DC but afaic she died of extreme old age.
I met with a very good friend of mine last night. GF is very religious…I’m absolutely not. I don’t believe in the hereafter or god or any other deity. GF knows this but tolerates my ungodliness. GF offered condolences and let me rabbit on about my mum. All well and good…
I spoke about the funeral, how we had a celebrant but had a hymn as my mum did have a little bit of faith and did a lot with the church when I was a kid. However, my mum was often hard work and I jokingly made a throwaway remark about how I used to tell her she’d never go to heaven and she’d end up in hell (all in jest).

last night I got a msg from her, basically saying that if mum hadnt accepted Jesus as lord and saviour then she will be in hell and that I should accept him or I’ll end up there…
really don’t know how to respond to this! Feeling quite upset that GF has judged my mum by her standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.
just looking for some words of wisdom from you folks I guess. I don’t want to break a friendship, she’s always known how I feel about religion but I think she’s crossed a line here and I feel quite conflicted. Im tempted to just ignore and sweep it under the carpet, but it’s blighted what was a good friendship and at a difficult time for me, given my recent loss 😔. I now realise that joking about heaven and hell to a committed Christian is a big no no!

Tell her to piss the hell off who does she think she is the bible basher -no matter how god squad you are- FRIENDS do not say hurtful things in a time of extreme crisis

That's awful and I think I would struggle to get past this.

Many years ago a friend of the family died - I'd known him all my life, he was an unofficial uncle, he was a very fun person to be around. He was also very Christian, though I wasn't really aware as he didn't preach or try and convert us.

At the funeral, during the service, however, it was actually said that anyone there who was not Christian would be going to hell and would never see the person who had died again. My DF later called it the 'word from our sponsor part'. It was really upsetting.

I can't imaginer how I'd feel about a friend saying it and about a close family member.

Tell her that her opinion doesn't pay your bills every month and neither does GOD! Tell her to piss off!

I am a very religious person, and I would not dream of telling someone this. I'd just want to be a support system and be a friend.

Wow has she been in the holy wine?!
As a pp said, I think some people are weak lambs who are brainwashed into such craziness. I suspect she's spouting some nonsense from a preacher, it's hard to ignore but in all honesty, if god does exist and is all good, why would he only accept anyone who had accepted him... as long as they accept him ... surely this is more of a hell direction of travel?! Hardly forgiving and goodness, sounds more like a bible weaponising sheep to try and indoctrinate people.

I'm sorry you lost your mum 🥺

How dare she presume to know the mind of God ? She's going to hell.

What a horrible cruel thing to say.
I think your friend has badly misunderstood both her religion and her role as a Christian. I'd be suggesting she had a chat with her religious leader, who might be able to offer her some guidance on empathy, decency and kindness.

Dear Friens
I'm Feeling quite upset that <you have> judged my mum by <your> standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.
I don’t want to break a friendship, <you've> always known how I feel about religion but I think <you've> crossed a line here and I feel quite conflicted. I'm tempted to just ignore and sweep it under the carpet, but it’s blighted what was a good friendship and at a difficult time for me, given my recent loss

That's what I'd be sending her. What you've written in your op

I'm also completely 100% athiest.

But if she were Christian she'd know only God can judge, it is not her place.

So she should wind her flipping neck in.

I know it doesn't matter much if you don'y believe in heaven and hell, but Christians don't (or shouldn't) believe they can judge the actions of another person and how God will judge them. Only God can judge. Plus, Jesus himself said one only needs a tiny bit of faith.
That said, it was a truly awful thing to say and I wouldn't even bother to respond or speak to her again myself.

You could write back that while you respect her right to her beliefs, sharing them in such a manner when someone is in the midst of grief is an act of cruelty. Your mother’s faith doesn’t matter now because she’s dead. You were the recipient of that message and received the wound instead.

This ^^ all the way.

m You are entitled to make the heaven and hell joke in the midst of your grief. She is bang out of order to go home, have a think, type out that text and send it. Christian my ass.

What a narrow minded and bigoted religious bore. As far as I know, every religion in the world from Islam to Christianity to Judaism teaches that God is a god of love. Theres nothing loving about her vile message. Id find it very hard to overlook how she's used a deeply sad and vulnerable time in your life to try to hammer home her own agenda in the most crass way. This is not what God wants.

Block and delete.

Sometimes good people say stupid things. Sometimes bad people out themselves with a one-off horrendous comment.

She's in group two. She's entitled to her opinions but had shown an extreme lack of empathy.

Ok. So I’m a committed Christian. What your friend said was not only unacceptable, it’s wrong. My cousin is a C of E vicar. I expressed some worries to her about my dad (her uncle) when he died as an atheist at 80. She said God sees all sides of us. No one good can ‘go to hell’ and it’s not really a concept the Church pushes now - just that God loves and forgives us all. She also said that ‘there are many opportunities to meet God’ even after death. It’s just maybe that very committed Christians get a bit nearer in heaven! If your relative was a nice kind person it’s highly unlikely they are in anything other than a peaceful place. Tell your friend that if she goes around talking like that she should remind herself of what the bible says about judging others!! Don’t give her silly mean words another thought x

A few years ago I started attending our local Free Church. They put on a play called "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames" which was horrific in the extreme (saying what your friend said). I haven't been back to church since. I am a Christian. I believe in an afterlife. I also believe what I read once, that the popular definition of hell was a mistranslation, and that Hell simply means "underground". So, in other words, buried. People like your friend and my old church have elaborated over the generations, and created the fires of hell in order to keep people in line. I refuse to believe that your Mum or mine are being subject to anything other than Heaven, (In my belief) or nothing (in your belief). I'm so sorry for your loss. I do think you should tell your friend you are upset, but bear in mind that to her, the thought of you going to hell when she could potentially save you is also upsetting.

Christian she ain’t. She’s a fundamentalist. Emphasis on the final three syllables. What sort of a decent person would tell a friend their recently deceased mother was in hell as she didn’t accept Jesus as her lord and saviour? A fucking shit one.

My father in law said this about my mum at my mum's funeral. When he dies I'm going to go and do a big shit on his grave. I wouldn't bother with her again.

What a horrible, horrible person. There is no excuse for her to say that. She sent it by text so can't even say it was clumsily worded.

I am angry on your behalf.

You sound like you want to keep her in your life though so what do you need to happen to do that?

There's a real push sometimes on these threads to 'sever all contact immedietly' or reject someone after one mistake - but it's completely fine and normal to call up a friend on something that hurt you, and you should do. And it might even build on the honesty and openness in your friendship and make it better, not worse.

Shes not your friend.
Nor is she a Christian.

Tell her she won't get to Heaven for her judgment and distressing you at a sensitive time.

Oh my. I’m so sorry op.

your ‘friend’ was very much out of order saying that
I believe God looks at heart of an individual person - If there’s any ‘judging’ to be done.

really don’t know how to respond to this! Feeling quite upset that GF has judged my mum by her standards and chooses to lecture me about my ungodliness. Seems very unchristian really given the circs.

Them's the rules- the rules aren't subjective. Maybe she thought it might encourage you to accept Jesus if she said that. But she shouldn'tve said that, it was tactless. Maybe she thought you felt that way as you mentioned it in a light/joking/in response to your mum's behaviour in the past.

I think sometimes people say things that are so offensive that there is no friendship to recover. In this case the so called friend went home and considered her response and sent an especially cruel text to someone recently bereaved.

If I believed in hell I know who I think belongs there.

This, if you dont believe in hell then surely you know your mum is not there, just tell your friend theres no such thing as hell