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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think why have so many kids if you can’t afford their presents?

479 replies

yuletidey · 13/12/2022 04:50

Before I start I just want to say I have absolutely nothing against large families, I also understand people will have times in their lives where they struggle.

I recently volunteered for a local to charity, they donate toys to children in need all around the country. I have volunteered for around 6 years around Christmas time to get toys packed. Yesterday I was helping pack boxes as they are really overwhelmed with the demand.

Recently I think the charity has changed their criteria as before anyone could get in touch and they would receive toys, I think the founder was a bit naive there but hey. Now people need to be referred by a school, social worker, support worker etc as a lot of people were taking advantage.

Anyway a woman turned up to the charity yesterday, asking for toys. The young girl working there said they will be giving them out all next week, she mentioned they had changed the criteria. The woman was saying she has ten kids and she was relying on them for toys, she was saying how can I get toys, she has kids from 16 to 1. They will now have to go without and no one bothered to tell her the criteria changed. The young girl apologised and said all updates were on their social media but they can’t update everyone individually. The woman lost her temper saying they have ruined her kids Christmas, it’s the girls fault, she’s ruined 10 kids Christmas.

This went on for a bit until I someone else stepped in but I was just shocked. I appreciate people need help and the pressure of Christmas can’t be nice but this woman has used the toys since they started, in that time she’s had a few children. I realise it’s a touchy subject but I felt so sorry for the young girl as she was really upset at letting children down

OP posts:
Sockwomble · 13/12/2022 07:22

"That's 3000 or more kids whose needs are not being met. Buy hey, who cares...

It is possible to care without writing frothy goady fucker posts which if it did happen you are identifiable and the person will recognise themselves.

Original poster
yuletidey · 13/12/2022 07:23

Again working with this charity for many years, I don’t judge families on benefits, or the need for benefits or the fact circumstances change. Definitely nothing to do with the daily Mail and I don’t mean to rile people up.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 13/12/2022 07:24

Yes I agree, but I also wonder if she was genuine, perhaps she’s a scammer and planned on selling the toys. Surely if her need was genuine she could be referred? If not it’s highly irresponsible to have more kids if you can’t afford too.

ZED55JAX0 · 13/12/2022 07:25

Stunningscreamer · 13/12/2022 07:22

But surely you should think about circumstances potentially changing when you decide the size of your family? Four children is still a big family. No-one needs five or six children and it seems irresponsible, especially given the environment and the demands on resources. Even if you have good jobs that's a big pull on services like the NHS and education, unless they're all privately educated and you only use private healthcare, and that's without the pressure on the environment. If your circumstances change and you have six children then it's not just bad luck, you could have anticipated this to some degree.

I know on MN for some weird reason big families are a blessing, even though it can end badly, and relationships can break up, which means with our stupid CMS system families often end up relying on the state. If you have two children then that's really sad but perfectly reasonable. If you have six then that pisses me off.

Show quote history

We did and do have , thank you

Pineconederby · 13/12/2022 07:26

Agreed. There was a family at school with five kids who tried to claim keyworker status during the pandemic. Essentially they couldn’t cope with them all at home. So why have so many then?! And working a day a weekend as a hospital cleaner does not make you a keyworker who can’t look after your own kids during the week.

Morestrangethings · 13/12/2022 07:26

SafariRushHour · 13/12/2022 05:17

I’d withhold judgment as it’s pointless and unproductive. it’s not like she can suck all 10 children back up. The kids are here, the woman’s circumstances are unknown and everyone needs a little kindness.

I agree she shouldn’t have spoken to the girl in such an awful way but sounds like she was having a bad day or panic. I hope the girl has been debriefed and supported.

Good post SafarRushHour

i agree with both your points.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2022 07:27

Does “no one is entitled to nice stuff” poster have teens yet?! Interested to see how that pans out…

lifeinthehills · 13/12/2022 07:27

ZED55JAX0 · 13/12/2022 07:25

We did and do have , thank you

Show quote history

Us too. And planned for the unpredictable with income and life insurances. Can't insure against a relationship break up but can support myself. If someone is pissed off by my choices - don't care.

BlusteryLake · 13/12/2022 07:28

Mellymoon · 13/12/2022 06:51

I don’t know why I think this but instinct is she was probably looking to sell the toys for drugs and probably didn’t even have as many kids.

Oh, I know why you think that. It is less about "instinct" (were you there?) and more about being sewn inside a massive pair of judgy pants.

Soproudoflionesses · 13/12/2022 07:30

Couldn't agree more op.
That poor girl.

There isna parents at my dd's school who always makes sneery comments to me if l have been on holiday about oh must be lovely being able to afford a holiday. Winds me up. If they had less kids and worked like l have to, they probably could go away.

Dittosaw · 13/12/2022 07:31

Well I hope her kids have an amazing Christmas. They didn’t ask to be born and they have done nothing wrong.You need to look at it the other way around. Regardless of their mother’s decisions, they should not be judged, criticised or looked down on.

I’ve been putting things on marketplace very cheaply to subtly try and help
people a little. Not much and not often. Isn’t this the season of loving and giving! If sharing and kindness?

littlehouselights · 13/12/2022 07:31

This is a breach of confidentiality.

This woman will be identifiable from what you have posted.

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 07:31

ComfortablyDazed · 13/12/2022 07:19

Well, it’s certainly not for me.

Check out mybabydolls on Instagram - she’s a Mum of 11, the youngest is a month old, she’s back to her pre-pregnancy weight, they’re all immaculately turned out, and appear to be happy and well cared for.

So I suspect ‘absolutely impossible’ is not entirely accurate.

Show quote history

Because we all know an influencer's well curated instagram page is an accurate reflection of what their life really is like and of what goes on behind the scenes. How naive 🙄

lifeinthehills · 13/12/2022 07:31

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2022 07:27

Does “no one is entitled to nice stuff” poster have teens yet?! Interested to see how that pans out…

My parents had this approach. We got jobs and bought our own nice stuff.

Justthisonce12 · 13/12/2022 07:33

You would have to be thick as pig shit to have 10 children in those circumstances, so I don’t think Mumsnet is your target audience here in terms of responsibility actions. Cause and affect etc.

Original poster
yuletidey · 13/12/2022 07:34

I have also known poverty, I grew up with a single alcoholic mother. I then was a teenage mother who knew nothing about benefits. I wouldn’t be in the place I was now if it was for the support of benefits.
I appreciate that’s an incredibly lucky thing to be able to say, as I have the capacity to reflect. I understand some people do not have this.

I do understand the barriers etc, just my first thought was shock as anyone else who came to get toys said they would contact the relevant support and then they would be in touch.

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 13/12/2022 07:34

YANBU - unless one of you has an extremely well paid job, no one can afford ten children. I understand long term people's circumstances change and there are families out there with two parents working near the minimum wage doing their bit for society, but you really shouldn't be having children you can't afford to support yourself in any other circumstances.

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 07:35

littlehouselights · 13/12/2022 07:31

This is a breach of confidentiality.

This woman will be identifiable from what you have posted.

Lol..

Believeitornot · 13/12/2022 07:36

yuletidey · 13/12/2022 07:34

I have also known poverty, I grew up with a single alcoholic mother. I then was a teenage mother who knew nothing about benefits. I wouldn’t be in the place I was now if it was for the support of benefits.
I appreciate that’s an incredibly lucky thing to be able to say, as I have the capacity to reflect. I understand some people do not have this.

I do understand the barriers etc, just my first thought was shock as anyone else who came to get toys said they would contact the relevant support and then they would be in touch.

I grew up with an alcoholic single mum with severe mental health issues and I wouldn’t start a thread about someone needing presents for her ten kids.

the kids are here. You don’t know the back story, so be careful with judgement.

Hadjab · 13/12/2022 07:36

Pineconederby · 13/12/2022 07:26

Agreed. There was a family at school with five kids who tried to claim keyworker status during the pandemic. Essentially they couldn’t cope with them all at home. So why have so many then?! And working a day a weekend as a hospital cleaner does not make you a keyworker who can’t look after your own kids during the week.

There were parents out there with only one child who couldn’t cope during the pandemic.

Cleaning staff were 100% considered key workers by the third lockdown

Original poster
yuletidey · 13/12/2022 07:37

I also haven’t signed anything to volunteer. Us volunteers were in the back putting things into boxes. We have no contact with the users of the charity

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 13/12/2022 07:37

yuletidey · 13/12/2022 07:23

Again working with this charity for many years, I don’t judge families on benefits, or the need for benefits or the fact circumstances change. Definitely nothing to do with the daily Mail and I don’t mean to rile people up.

Er you quite clearly do judge!

littlehouselights · 13/12/2022 07:39

There aren't that many families with ten children. How many use the service? Unlikely to be more than one family with the ages the op has posted. Someone who knows the charity concerned can identify the woman. And that's not fair. And a breach of confidentiality. Especially given how much the daily mail etc pick up stories from here.

FortSalem86 · 13/12/2022 07:39

ComfortablyDazed · 13/12/2022 07:19

Well, it’s certainly not for me.

Check out mybabydolls on Instagram - she’s a Mum of 11, the youngest is a month old, she’s back to her pre-pregnancy weight, they’re all immaculately turned out, and appear to be happy and well cared for.

So I suspect ‘absolutely impossible’ is not entirely accurate.

Show quote history

I wouldn't go by anything put on Instagram. It always looks picture perfect.

Sockwomble · 13/12/2022 07:41

"I also haven’t signed anything to volunteer. Us volunteers were in the back putting things into boxes. We have no contact with the users of the charity"

This thread does not reflect well on the charity.