To think why have so many kids if you can’t afford their presents?

[yuletidey]

Before I start I just want to say I have absolutely nothing against large families, I also understand people will have times in their lives where they struggle.

I recently volunteered for a local to charity, they donate toys to children in need all around the country. I have volunteered for around 6 years around Christmas time to get toys packed. Yesterday I was helping pack boxes as they are really overwhelmed with the demand.

Recently I think the charity has changed their criteria as before anyone could get in touch and they would receive toys, I think the founder was a bit naive there but hey. Now people need to be referred by a school, social worker, support worker etc as a lot of people were taking advantage.

Anyway a woman turned up to the charity yesterday, asking for toys. The young girl working there said they will be giving them out all next week, she mentioned they had changed the criteria. The woman was saying she has ten kids and she was relying on them for toys, she was saying how can I get toys, she has kids from 16 to 1. They will now have to go without and no one bothered to tell her the criteria changed. The young girl apologised and said all updates were on their social media but they can’t update everyone individually. The woman lost her temper saying they have ruined her kids Christmas, it’s the girls fault, she’s ruined 10 kids Christmas.

This went on for a bit until I someone else stepped in but I was just shocked. I appreciate people need help and the pressure of Christmas can’t be nice but this woman has used the toys since they started, in that time she’s had a few children. I realise it’s a touchy subject but I felt so sorry for the young girl as she was really upset at letting children down

Totally agree with this and your opening paragraph is at odds with your click bait title. The issue was not a woman with 10 children it was with a woman who took her frustration out on another young woman. That could happen if someone had 2 or 10 children.

Did you not step in to diffuse the situation for your colleague or did you just stare and judge.

I know a woman who had two sets of twins, and then an unplanned third pregnancy which her husband threatened to divorce her if she terminated. So 5 children from 3 pregnancies, when she had originally “planned” to have 2 - 3 children in total. Sometimes circumstances take these decisions out of our control, it would be lovely if all of our lives followed the paths we wanted them to but they don’t. I’m sure this woman, if she even exists, was panicked and upset at a last minute change in circumstances and reacted badly. Again, if she exists, I hope she manages to sort something out for her children.

What is the point of this? Sure it’s irresponsible. Sure I wouldn’t choose to have ten kids if I had no money. But what’s the implication?

The children are in the world. They don’t deserve to be completely impoverished because of their parents bad choices. Surely the most important question is - how to help kids like this. Blaming the parents just shifts the conversation, taking the focus off the suffering children. Ultimately we should not tolerate societies where children live in poverty. That’s the conversation that needs to happen.

I don’t know why I think this but instinct is she was probably looking to sell the toys for drugs and probably didn’t even have as many kids.

A large number of children was never for me.
It is to do with available resources.
And that includes one to one parental time, family finances, and the strain on the environmet.

In years gone by people would have
' made' gifts for their kids whether they had money or not .
A shame the woman relied on others and couldn't be creative herself to give her kids a fun Christmas Day .

Well 10 children is hardly for anyone, is it? How many women have birthed 10 children in the UK?

Agree but it's not full of the Christmas spirit !

Tbh i am more concerned about the climate impact of 10 kids and of mountains of stuff in general at xmas.

284 women apparently.
www.walesonline.co.uk/news/uk-news/six-women-21-children-each-19774101

Assuming this is real, which is a stretch, given that number you are really fucked when it comes to breaching confidentiality, op.

She may also not have 10 children but an eBay account. I think if I was running this people would be allowed max 2 gifts only so that you can help more people with the donations.
and maybe a sign saying our staff are volunteers be polite or similar and ban anyone that is aggressive especially to younger staff

But in your example the decision wasn't out of her control. She could have terminated the last pregnancy. She chose not to because her husband is an arse and gave her an ultimatum.

Oh FFS. Another of these bullshit naive posts.

Why aren't all people perfect like me, then the world would be perfect?

People are complicated. You have a choice - accept it and help, or not accept it and punish/ignore. When you punish/ignore, you make children suffer and increase the likelihood they'll go on to have problems later.

This OP is so childish.

That person shouted because they have issues. This is not exactly a revolutionary concept.

Yep. Mine was a combination of a bad start in life, being brought up by a parent with complex mental health, and another who had no idea how to be a parent, and a grandma who done her best but was very old - undiagnosed ADHD and ASD - and then an abusive relationship where birth control wasn’t allowed and sex was no choice. Then subsequent trauma which I couldn’t get proper therapy for and made decisions that were stupid and naive. So yeah there are a lot of reasons someone might end up with a whole bunch of kids, but it usually stems from inter generational poverty and mental health. Unfortunately the whole system is against people who come from these backgrounds, education first and foremost and the NHS close behind.

In an ideal world, none of this would happen and we’d all be “sensible” like most of the previous posters on here however life just doesn’t work like that, so I’d urge everyone to look just a little deeper when faced with things like this. The woman shouldn’t have kicked off but I guess none of us know what she’s going through.

Managed to get my eldest to uni so far so hopefully I’m breaking the curse.

Having ten kids is silly, whether you can afford it or not.

They share.

Having you own bedroom isn't a right.

I know plenty of kids, especially under 8, who share bedrooms.

Some of my friends have spare bedrooms - plural - and their kids have chosen to share with their sibling. My friends actually set the children up in separate rooms and then had to move beds/buy bunk beds because they would find one of the kids asleep in their sibling's room.

Some of the same sex siblings but not all want their own room around puberty.

I probably would have liked two but we can give one a much better life, so we have our one and are happy.

Often people with many children and little to no money or living on benefits have been raised that way themselves. It’s their norm. A lack of knowledge on what life has to offer and a lack of aspiration to do more with their lives.

I work in a school and this rings so true. Third or fourth generation of children growing up with parents living mostly off benefits or very little money - parents lack of aspiration for their children, never mind themselves, is very evident. As you say it’s their norm.

I feel sorry for the children being born to such reckless individuals.

I quite agree.

The other possibility is the OP made it up. There are always plenty of posts like this about ne'er do wells, posted by 'surprised' or 'shocked' timid little OPs.

If this is real, and that's a big IF, you need to have a bit more understanding with regards to deprivation.

As a few posters have covered earlier, it's a complex area and there will be lots of reasons at play here.

I don't think you should be volunteering if you are this judgemental.

The lady was rude speaking to the volunteer like that, but she sounds desperate to me.

Just try and have a bit more understanding of the world around you and especially in the area you volunteer in.

It sounds like she was desperate and at the end of her tether. Of course she shouldn't have taken it out on the volunteer. We've all overreacted at times tho, right?

I agree and I wonder if lady was going to sell the toys and if the ten children existed. It's a lovely thing you doing op. That poor young lady

So Elon Musk is silly?

Most male billionaires and multimillionaires have 6-9 children with more than one partner. There are a few who do have 6-7 children with one partner.

I live in a well-off area and it isn't unusual to see families of 4-5 children.

YANBU but I do think in a lot of cases there's something else "wrong", my cousin has loads, can't look after them, they're dirty and don't go to school, but social can't manage that many siblings so just keep giving her chances. But it's so strange, she recently got pregnant again and was upset that her parents weren't happy for her. No understanding at all , I can't really explain it.

To be fair, Mumsnet doesn't exactly help when it comes to thoughtless procreation.

If someone says they're pregnant, or even trying to conceive, all rational thought leaves the thread; it's all googly eyes and coochie coo noises. No pause, no reflection, no questioning.

No 'Do you have a healthy relationship in which to co-parent this child for the next 18 years? Do you have a stable home in which to live? Can you support this child financially? Practically? Psychologically? Emotionally? Are you a suitable parent, living in circumstances which allow you to raise a(nother) child?'

And it is a brave voice who posts that every woman has a range of options and the right to choose whichever of them is best for her.