Husband was only one not invited

[Beanielou]

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

[icanwearwhatiwant]

Are you sure there isn't just a general invite and your dh has got the wrong end of the stick? If this man has discussed the party in front of him could he not just have said "sounds great, it's in my diary" or similar?

[Beanielou]

No they were all personally invited as the man needed numbers to know how many to accommodate in the pub.

[Sparkletastic]

This could be evidence of workplace bullying

[steff13]

Goodness, surely any employee should be invited. Is this event sanctioned by the employer, or is it just informally arranged by the co-workers?

[ShirleyPhallus]

This is so weird, he should just speak to his manager about it. Or just turn up.

[Beanielou]

The employers are just effectively a very rich family who own a lot of land. It’s one of the people who organises particular tasks for people to do but isn’t in a formal management role. It sounds like no one really gets on with him but I’m annoyed no one stood up to him for DH

[Beanielou]

I suggested just turning up but there would be no table setting for him and that would be excruciatingly embarrassing for him. DH is a bit shy and socially awkward, he gets on with people but is more of an introvert

[Zanatdy]

That’s bad and like someone said could be construed as workplace bullying. I thought I wasn’t invited to drinks in one of my teams, but thought maybe it’s because I head up the team now. Then I found out I’m not on that particular circulation list, so it wasn’t that I wasn’t invited. I didn’t go though as it was minus 4 and I only found out for sure that morning. Your DH should ask the boss during a 1-2-1. I’d say I was just wondering if I’d done something to upset the team as I’ve not been invited to the party. It’s completely unacceptable as the boss to do that

[AllIwantforChristmas22]

Could it be a racist/cultural thing? Are they excluding your DH because of his background?
he should definitely complain, it’s not acceptable.

[Beanielou]

@AllIwantforChristmas22

Could it be a racist/cultural thing? Are they excluding your DH because of his background?
he should definitely complain, it’s not acceptable.

No they all come from the same cultural background so there are no disparities here.

[Confusion101]

That is so hurtful and rude and childish. The fact you can compare it to a child's birthday party shows how incredibly immature the dickhead is that organised it. I would be so hurt and would pull away from that guy. But I think your anger should lie with the organiser, not the rest who didn't speak up for him. He didn't speak up for himself either.

[Beanielou]

@Confusion101

That is so hurtful and rude and childish. The fact you can compare it to a child's birthday party shows how incredibly immature the dickhead is that organised it. I would be so hurt and would pull away from that guy. But I think your anger should lie with the organiser, not the rest who didn't speak up for him. He didn't speak up for himself either.

No I agree, the organiser is clearly an arse and I am frustrated my DH didn’t speak up but it’s just not in his nature to

[BadNomad]

Can your husband ask one of his colleagues if they know why he is never invited to these things? Can it be they think because he's shy he probably wouldn't want to go? I say this as an autistic person who also comes across awkward and shy and so is never invited to things because people assume I wouldn't enjoy them. It's hurtful.

[Beanielou]

Yes he is shy and awkward but as far as I’m aware he gets on with everyone else, just for some reason this guy has taken a dislike to him. Apparently he’s done it to other people in the past who have since left but DH won’t really ask others as he doesn’t want to highlight it further.

[UniversalAunt]

Is your DH a contractor?

Even though he’s been there a while, contractors are - in my experience - not invited to work place events for employees.

I was a bit surprised when I first came across this, but it seemed to be OK with the contractors I was working with as one of the differences between being on a short-term higher rate contractor (an arrangement that seemed to go on for years as they had scarce ICT skills) & a regular employee with paid holidays, sick pay & pension contributions.

[LemonLime13]

This is bullying. Plain and simple.
Clearly everyone knows of his non-invite as colleague mentioned feeling awkward and therefore employer surely knows. And are letting it slide!

He needs to stand up to be honest or take it further.

Feel really sorry for him!

[Beanielou]

No he’s employed by the company and what makes it worse is that all the regular self employed contractors have been invited!

[sorcerersapprentice]

That's awful. I'm not surprised he's upset. Even if he is shy, he needs to speak up. People who were there might just assume he couldn't make it, turned down the invite or that he was just being plain anti-social. He's got to be brave and say something. The most effective would be 'Why wasn't I invited?' . It's too easy to let these things go without challenge. And the bully will do it to him again and others after him. It's not on.
Has he got someone he is close to at work he can talk it through with? To try and find a bit of moral support for it with some colleagues

[HollyDollyChristmas]

Does he actually want to go, or just be invited? If he’s too shy to do or say anything then he needs to forget about it and move on.

[Outtasteamandluck]

He is not alone.

I didn't get invited either and I spoke up and still didn't get an invite / apology.

I must be a social misfit too.

I

[Americano75]

That is 100% workplace bullying. Your poor husband, I don't suppose he's in a union?

[pinkfondu]

Does his boss/ company owner know this is happening?

[FlamingJingleBells]

I think your husband should mention that he wasn't invited rather than he's not going. The former highlights it's deliberate & the fault of the coordinator. The latter could be understood as he was invited but couldn't attend due to unforeseen circumstances.

See the difference between the two & how the party organiser is hoping your dh stays silent.

[panko]

So weird to not invite someone. These aren't meant to be mates all getting together.

Not really much you can do if your DH won't do anything though. Maybe next year if he's still there book something amazing on the same day.

[KangarooKenny]

Would he actually want to go if he’s never been invited before ?