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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband was only one not invited

138 replies

Beanielou · 13/12/2022 03:52

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 13/12/2022 08:00

Could it be that there is a list of staff for these types of things and your dh has been missed off the list by accident. Especially as it's the second year in a row.

Your dh needs to grow a spine and ask the organiser why he's been missed off for the second time in a row.

Slimjimtobe · 13/12/2022 08:01

This is so horrible and spiteful
it’s a pity one of the other invited colleagues haven’t spoken up !!

DrManhattan · 13/12/2022 08:04

No one is going to stick up for your husband he needs to stick up for himself. He needs to ask the manager person what the deal is. He should consider leaving that work place as it sounds toxic.

Butchyrestingface · 13/12/2022 08:08

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him?

I'd be more annoyed at my husband for not doing something about it.

That said, this is clearly bullying. Is there an HR department? The issue should be escalated to HR, and failing that, his manager.

Is your husband generally happy at work?

BananaSpanner · 13/12/2022 08:09

It should have been such an easy thing to resolve. The bully is not going to admit purposefully excluding someone, he will just argue it’s an oversight unless challenged.

Next year, your husband has to email him directly in advance of Christmas and say that he notices he doesn’t get an invite and he would like to go. Also, If he feels he is able, speak to someone of a similar level to the bully now and raise that he is being deliberately excluded.

He needs to be assertive.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 13/12/2022 08:09

Is the employer thirteen?

Scrap that, even most 13 year olds wouldn’t behave that spitefully.

I hope that somehow this is all a big misunderstanding. If not, I hope your DH finds a nicer job.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 13/12/2022 08:13

Why are his workplace allowing this to happen ? And his other workmates for that matter......your dp needs to raise this with his boss. I mean if I was him I wouldn't want to go but this playground bullying bullshit shouldn't be happening in the workplace.

panko · 13/12/2022 08:14

Has he ever been on a night out with them?

notanothertakeaway · 13/12/2022 08:17

His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event

Is your DH clearly a member of the team that have the pub event?

Or could it be that teams A, B & C each organise their own event, and his role doesn't fall clearly within any of those teams? That might explain why he's not invited

Roselilly36 · 13/12/2022 08:17

I wonder if the management presumed he wouldn’t want to go, if he’s shy etc, but he should be given the opportunity. Awful to feel excluded. Sorry this has happened, appalling of the management.

batchainpuller · 13/12/2022 08:31

This is horrible, it sounds like bullying to me.

DogInATent · 13/12/2022 09:00

Is the do organiser one of the family?

You say the organiser isn't one of the managers. So has your husband mentioned it to his own manager that it's odd that over the years he's always been excluded from these events. Unless your husband is prepared to say something at least once, the organiser can keep brushing it off with "I asked him, but he's not interested".

diddl · 13/12/2022 09:03

So the bully is the organiser?

How does he know who to invite?

Who tells him the numbers for each team?

Bookworm20 · 13/12/2022 09:25

How were the invites sent out? Email, post, by hand? It seems very odd to just not invite one particular person, even if the organiser doesn't like them that much.

If by hand, then its obviously deliberate. If it was by email, or post or text etc, could it be that the organiser has your DHs contact info down wrong? So if he sent out an email but the address wasn't correct and therefore he didn't get an invite? Does he get other communication from this person in this same way no issues?

Perhaps he doesn't like your dh because he never responds to emails (because he doesn't get them?) I don't know, just clutching at straws here because it sounds very odd.

I think your DH just simply needs to say to the organiser, I heard you had the xmas party last night, I'm just wondering why I wasn't invited as sounds like it was a good night. Something along those lines? The person would have to answer if he asked directly and then mystery solved. I understand he is shy, but he needs to stick himself out of his comfort zone for a few minutes if he really wants to know whats going on.

ArabellaScott · 13/12/2022 09:27

That sounds awful, OP. Yes, it's bullying.

Does your husband enjoy the work, otherwise? I think I'd be looking for something else.

BakedTattie · 13/12/2022 09:31

Your husband needs to speak up.

“is there a reason I’m not invited/wasn’t invited”

Creativecake · 13/12/2022 09:33

I’ve been there. Me and a colleague excluded from a work event. It’s not so easy to call people out in this stuff. They are seldom truthful in their responses. He will have to ask though or he’ll never know.

nickelbabe · 13/12/2022 09:39

If this is the second year running that he hasn't been invited, I bet it's because they're using the same list and just haven't noticed dh's name isn't on it.

To be perfectly honest, he needs to tell his boss he hasn't had his invitation.

Bobbins36 · 13/12/2022 09:41

Awful. Would take guts but would straight up ask the manager why he was excluded - not “why wasn’t I invited” but “why was I excluded” specifically.

not nice xx

Noodlehen · 13/12/2022 09:41

I’d speak to the managers, I wouldn’t confront the bully. especially if he’s already so nasty

FreddieMercurysCat · 13/12/2022 09:46

Your husband's employers could be in deep do-do for allowing this to happen. It would fall under workplace bullying I believe. I sub-contract for someone who is an employment lawyer and these sort of things do get brought up as legitimate grievances. I've even seen one or two get to Employment Tribunal. Its not on.

Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 09:46

Mammamia23 · 13/12/2022 07:59

Hi @Beanielou not read all the replies so apologies if this has been explained, but you mention your husbands work comprises of a few teams - could there have been confusion over which “team night out” he should have been on? Appreciate this is bad, and someone somewhere should have made sure he was invited to his proper teams event, but i wonder if it’s a case of lazy organising rather than him being deliberately left out

Where DH works ‘teams’ literally means 2 people on grounds maintenance, 4 people on buildings. Overall there are not many of them and it’s highly unlikely to miss anyone off. My husband is in a team of two and the other one was included

OP posts:
Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 09:49

KatherineJaneway · 13/12/2022 06:56

but DH won’t really ask others as he doesn’t want to highlight it further.

Shy or not he needs to or it will never be resolved. He needs to ask someone he is close to why he has been excluded or raise with management as, if this is the official Christmas party, he is being bullied by deliberately not being invited year after year.

I think because it is an all male culture he doesn’t want to look like he feels he’s being bullied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 09:50

Creativecake · 13/12/2022 09:33

I’ve been there. Me and a colleague excluded from a work event. It’s not so easy to call people out in this stuff. They are seldom truthful in their responses. He will have to ask though or he’ll never know.

I’m sorry it’s happened to you, did you mention it at work and what response did you get?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 09:51

diddl · 13/12/2022 09:03

So the bully is the organiser?

How does he know who to invite?

Who tells him the numbers for each team?

It’s such small teams like two people here, four here etc.

OP posts: