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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband was only one not invited

138 replies

Beanielou · 13/12/2022 03:52

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

OP posts:
Knors · 13/12/2022 09:52

KangarooKenny · 13/12/2022 06:35

Would he actually want to go if he’s never been invited before ?

Doesn't matter.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 09:54

Other events

after work drinks
birthday drinks
leaving do
etc etc

is he invited to any of them?

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 09:56

Outside of work, friends? You say he’s “awkward” how does that manifest itself?

Creativecake · 13/12/2022 09:59

They made a joke of it. Said not all were invited. Blah blah. It didn’t help. I work in a horrible place though tbh

chaosmaker · 13/12/2022 10:03

I'd ask where my invite was and see what they say :)

FrankieStein403 · 13/12/2022 10:05

Perhaps the "manager" was pushing for a friend/family member to get the job when your DH got it?

That sort of petty response wont go away DH just needs to remember that he was better.

euff · 13/12/2022 10:06

I think as pp's have said your DH should at the very least say he wasn't invited when asked why he's not going. It is hurtful that no one else points this out and asks why he is not been invited.

Sorry about your DD, that's very hurtful too. I can't imagine leaving one child out like that (unless they were a bully to mine).

Soddingchristmas · 13/12/2022 10:06

Beanielou · 13/12/2022 04:35

The employers are just effectively a very rich family who own a lot of land. It’s one of the people who organises particular tasks for people to do but isn’t in a formal management role. It sounds like no one really gets on with him but I’m annoyed no one stood up to him for DH

Hmmmm is this a north west based rich family?

If so, will be the same ones who went completely bananas at me when they offered me a job and expected me to walk out of my other job on the same day and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t leave my then employer in the lurch by not covering my 4 weeks notice. I ended up telling them to stick it.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:09

His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited,

So your DH has raised it and discussed it with colleagues?

Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 10:10

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 09:54

Other events

after work drinks
birthday drinks
leaving do
etc etc

is he invited to any of them?

As far as I’m aware none of these occur. He was invited to a day out but I was just about to give birth so he didn’t go but that event is more a wider company event rather than just the more intimate aspect of the company that he is in

OP posts:
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/12/2022 10:11

Awww I feel so bad for your DH and DD. I don't have any good advice, I wouldn't know what to do either, but other posters will have advice. Stay strong OP, being left out hurts. Try to reassure your DD that it happens to everyone.

Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 10:11

Soddingchristmas · 13/12/2022 10:06

Hmmmm is this a north west based rich family?

If so, will be the same ones who went completely bananas at me when they offered me a job and expected me to walk out of my other job on the same day and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t leave my then employer in the lurch by not covering my 4 weeks notice. I ended up telling them to stick it.

Show quote history

No completely opposite end of the country in the south west. The overall company is fine it’s just the part my DH is in. The rich family basically own a very large company whilst DH works for the family in maintaining a lot of land they also own

OP posts:
Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 10:13

FrankieStein403 · 13/12/2022 10:05

Perhaps the "manager" was pushing for a friend/family member to get the job when your DH got it?

That sort of petty response wont go away DH just needs to remember that he was better.

funnily enough his family members already work there and they can’t stand him
either!

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 13/12/2022 10:14

Can't your husband just ask this person and have a conversation about it?

Nevermind31 · 13/12/2022 10:16

Be needs you go to HR. If this is a company event and someone is excluding your OH that could be bullying and should be addressed.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:19

Op - clearly your husband has raised the issues? Otherwise how else would he know his colleagues thoughts on the matter?

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:20

Does he have friends?

AndEverWhoKnew · 13/12/2022 10:22

Your DH needs to ask. He can't expect other people to ask on his behalf - that would make him look like a child.
It could be a simple misunderstanding eg they think DH doesn't drink or socialise for religious reasons; or when DH turned down the company away day there was confusion over his reasoning so they think it applies to every event, etc.
He has to ask the organiser in front of other people eg is everyone invited? or 'I don't want you to think I just didn't turn up without letting you know, I wasn't specifically invited' or 'look, I need to ask is there a reason I'm not invited?' etc. It's much better to face it head on than spend ages worrying about it.

caringcarer · 13/12/2022 10:27

He needs to submit a complaint of bullying. Deliberate exclusion is considered bullying.

JoyBeorge · 13/12/2022 10:29

Beanielou · 13/12/2022 03:52

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

To be blunt maybe it's time he stopped being such a doormat and started asking direct questions of his colleagues and the organiser instead of listening to all the stories about other colleagues not understanding why he isn't being invited and keeping quiet when he knows people are lying to him and pretending not to go. If he really is being treated differently then he needs to address that if it's about bullying of some sort but he isn't going to know if he just keeps accepting the shoddy treatment from them and doesn't ever challenge it. If he isn't going to challenge it and start asking people why he is being excluded then how will it ever change?

SpicyFoodRocks · 13/12/2022 10:30

If he doesn’t politely inquire about this directly, the same will happen next year. It’s time for him to be a little more assertive. Is there any way he could perhaps start trying with some humour, eg ‘hey I heard there was a party. What do I need to do to get my name on the guest list?!’ Or another polite way of asking before taking it further.

If he doesn’t act now, Xmas 23 will be the same.

ittakes2 · 13/12/2022 10:36

How do people get invited to this? Surely he’s just been left off an email list?

Original poster
Beanielou · 13/12/2022 10:38

ittakes2 · 13/12/2022 10:36

How do people get invited to this? Surely he’s just been left off an email list?

Apparently because it’s such a small team the man just goes around and tells them face-to-face. My husband and him see each other at least three times a week so it’s not difficult to forget

OP posts:
AndEverWhoKnew · 13/12/2022 10:40

But he's talked to your DH about the party. In most places that would be considered an invite if it's a place that does verbal invites. The only way your DH wouldn't be invited is if when the man talks about organising the party he adds 'but you're not invited'.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/12/2022 10:41

Tell your DH to take some comfort in the fact that this bully is a very sad, very pathetic little twat. I’m embarrassed for a grown adult behaving like that.

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