Husband was only one not invited

[Beanielou]

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

This happened to me over 30 years ago. I was temping at the time but had been acting PA to the MD for about 4 months when he asked me to organise a Xmas lunch and type up individual invites to all employees and leave them on his desk. Naively I included one to myself and when he saw it he came in to tell me that I wasn't invited as he would need me to cover the phones that day. I mentioned it to a lady I was friendly with. She wasn't going to the lunch and told him that she would cover the phone but he was having none of it.

So it was definitely intentional then.

To be fair, you weren’t an employee of the company. You were an employee of the recruitment agency.

I too was a temp during Christmas holidays as a student 20 years ago. I didn’t attend the Christmas lunch, I had to man the phones. Completely understood why!

Unless your husband is prepared to speak up or look for another job nothing is going to change. Could he find another job?

This happened to a friend of mine a few years back, she was working in the hospitality industry. Like your DH, the MD was from a wealthy background and owned the business, family run.

The interesting thing about my friends experience was. The MD was known to behave in a passive aggressive manner to staff he didn't like, and they would then leave. So he effectively used to bully them out of their job.

My friend worked for this man for about 4 years and he used to tell her how wonderful she was at her job, but she saw first hand how he used to treat other people and they would then leave. She admitted to me she ( like all the other staff) never called him out on his bad behaviours to staff as it wasn't directed to her, until it was.

He decided one day he didn't like her anymore and effectively over a period of time started criticising her work, ignoring her, not inviting her to Teams nights out and treating her in a manner to leave her no option but to leave her job. She was deeply hurt and stressed about the whole experience, no one got involved.

So, others saying why doesn't someone else stick up for your DH, experience has taught me, no one really cares if people are being treated unfairly as long as it doesn't impact them. Its very easy for people to say they would not tolerate this, but until you are faced with this situation, you really don't know how you will behave. This was a hard lesson for my friend, but it is true in all walks in life.

I do feel for your DH, it really is a horrible way to be treated. I would suggest you encourage him to find a new job next year and to hell with the lot of them. People can be very cruel.

As soon as your DH leaves the MD will most probably move onto bullying someone else.

This.

I don't know why people are so surprised.

A relative of mine in a sector apparently desperate for people was recently bullied out - manager was well know for it in their case it was affected their health to such an extend NHS was looking for a serious condition.

Last job of another relative manager picked on her - she played dumb let it all wash over her and smiled at woman still and she moved on to a younger person who turned out to have a parent in HR - manager ended up being let go. Staff talking late reckoned manger had for nearly a decade managed to bully out one to two people a year out and nothing had been done.

DH left a job - having got a better one - citing his manger unreasonable behaviour of which there were many examples in exit interview as had many previous employees as had some external partners to point they started to refuse to work with them. It was a situation that drifted on for several years afterwards - till they finally started to look into things (suggestion some legal cases started) and manager moved on.

Many workplaces don't seem to address bullying behavior even when it is obviously costing them staff and thus time and money on recruitment.

If it's the only thing that's happening and job suit I'd probably stick it out - though I can see why OP DH feels socially awkward most people would be thinking the manager is the dick here

He doesn't have to call it bullying. He could just say to his boss - "Boss, is something wrong I am not aware of? I am not invited to the Christmas party, wondering what the rason was."

Many workplaces don't seem to address bullying behavior even when it is obviously costing them staff and thus time and money on recruitment.

I worked in a small organisation where one person was a bullying dickhead. One by one, staff started leaving. Two of us joined together and approached management about the bully's behaviour but they didn't really act. They made half-hearted attempts to but never properly managed the behaviour. I think part of it is because often the people who should manage the bully are the ones who appointed them and really tackling it means admitting they appointed a bully.

The person I joined forces with left. About a dozen volunteers went with her and they still did nothing. Appointed a replacement. The replacement and the bully were then invited to an event at the manager's home, which I was left out of. It was the replacement who let that one slip and the manager's face was a picture. I didn't bother pulling her up on it, I just kept it in my back pocket as ammo in case things kicked off again. But I basically made it to the end of my contract and then left. These things become systemic and sadly getting out is often the best option.

Agree with PP. Organisations can have all the policies they want but when it comes to it, they are most concerned with protecting the organisational reputation and the organisation’s hierarchy.

Going to HR with a ‘left out of a work function’ would be a waste of time. If there is more evidence that could be collated you could build a case. It is hard to prove though.

I work in a very toxic team. I am very much part of the ‘out group’. I tried to gather evidence of exclusion as a form of bullying but even my union told me I was on a hiding to nothing.

I think most people in these situations end up leaving. I’m just hanging on for my pension now.

@WisherWood

The replacement and the bully were then invited to an event at the manager's home, which I was left out of.

this was clearly a social non work event held at the managers home. Why would you expect an invitation?

So, others saying why doesn't someone else stick up for your DH, experience has taught me, no one really cares if people are being treated unfairly as long as it doesn't impact them

This, unfortunately. I worked in a office with a clique (which I wasn't part of). One of the clique members fell foul of it and was fuming to me about the 'toxic culture'; which she was OK with as long as it was directed at someone else.

@Goodgrief82 I didn't expect it as such. However, the bullying was partly about exclusion and inclusion. When you're the boss and are organising a large event - around a hundred or so people - then you do need to be careful who you do or don't invite. I've had this come up before. The lines are somewhat more blurred than you might think. If these two colleagues had organised a get together for themselves and other friends outside of work, then I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. That's entirely their prerogative. But when your boss organises an event that is also a networking opportunity, and excludes you from it whilst inviting other employees, you're on trickier ground. Given the history in this case, it was particularly clumsy of her.

So I didn't expect an invitation but the fact that I didn't get one and that she, as boss, chose to socialise with my colleagues but not me, did tell me a lot about what I needed to know for my future in the organisation.

I don't think its useful to assume bullying rather than mistake/misunderstanding. Unless there is cause for that?

Honestly he needed to address it before hand with a casual question, to know what was going on and decide what to do about it. Stewing on it for a year isn't going to help anyone.

So I didn't expect an invitation but the fact that I didn't get one and that she, as boss, chose to socialise with my colleagues but not me, did tell me a lot about what I needed to know for my future in the organisation.

but I would only invite a very few select colleagues over to my home . Doesn’t mean I’m bullying the others.

but I would only invite a very few select colleagues over to my home . Doesn’t mean I’m bullying the others.

To give you more context - my boss was a local landowner. She lived in a mansion. The event she was hosting had an attendance of around 100 people. We'd just been through a grievance process during which one employee left, in part due to bullying and exclusion. She recruited a newbie, giving her then three employees - me, the woman accused of bullying and the newbie. She invited the newbie and the bully to a large event, but not me.

Bullying isn't about one event. It's about how someone is treated over a longer period of time. It's often about microaggressions. Indeed that's what can make it difficult to prove. So if I were a boss and had three employees, and was inviting around 100 people to my very large home, I'd make sure I either invited all three employees or none. This isn't about one person choosing to socialise with a couple of other employees at broadly the same level as them, within a larger organisation. It's about a boss who has already had staff leave due to exclusion, inviting 2/3 staff to a large event and leaving the third out. It's dubious ground to be on and she knew it.

So if I were a boss and had three employees, and was inviting around 100 people to my very large home, I'd make sure I either invited all three employees or none.

This.

Tbh I applied a similar principle to my wedding, which was obviously a completely private event. There are three separate teams in my department at work. I would have liked to invite a couple of people from one of the other teams to my wedding, but I couldn't invite them all, so in the end I just invited the two people from my own team, because it made it easier to justify why I had invited them and not others.

And I'm not even the boss and it wasn't a work event.

Totally agree with @bjrce , bullying is so common in group situations, not just work but also lots of friendship/social situations and it's virtually impossible to tackle. Bullies rely on the silence of others who understandably don't want to become targets themselves so it takes a ballsy individual to call it out but they smell fear and lack of assertiveness. Presenting a confident persona is the best protection against these gits.

Your options are to call it out, husband doesn't want to go there and no protection of an HR department (which aren't very effective in most cases), remove himself from this company or to become deaf and blind to the behaviour at danger to self esteem.

From my own experience walking away is the easiest option for maintaining mental health. I did successfully fight an unfair dismissal case in the past that was bullying based but in hindsight the drawn out, character assassination didn't make me feel great, despite the payout. Life is just too short and there are lots of healthier groups out there if you are able to move on.

It's workplace bullying and not on.

But you can't be angry at others for not standing up for your husband when he didn't stand up for himself. If he's worried about looking daft why didn't he make it into a joke and say in a banter way eee Mike you forgot me on the list for the Xmas do, hope you aren't intentionally excluding me mate hr hate that sort of stuff haha only joking! looking forward to celebrating with everyone though make sure you got me down as attending

Was it a charity? Just that you refer to a dozen volunteers leaving

‘No he’s employed by the company and what makes it worse is that all the regular self employed contractors have been invited!’

Ouch! @Beanielou that’s a slap in the face for him & completely unacceptable.

@babyjellyfish

Tbh I applied a similar principle to my wedding, which was obviously a completely private event. There are three separate teams in my department at work. I would have liked to invite a couple of people from one of the other teams to my wedding, but I couldn't invite them all, so in the end I just invited the two people from my own team, because it made it easier to justify why I had invited them and not others..

but completely and utterly reasonably to invite whomever the hell you damn well want to your wedding.

I was once in a team and the only one in the small team not to be invited to another teams 50th.

I wasn’t the least bit hurt or surprised. Why? Because I hardly knew the person and wasn’t at all friends with them. No bad blood. Just no closeness. Which was different to my immediate colleagues relationship with him!

It does matter to an extent. If he brings it up, the organiser is reprimanded and once invited he announces that he doesn’t want to go or can’t make the date he will look ridiculous.

I would just turn up and embarace them all!!! Shame them.

That’s just terrible how rude

I agree. He should escalate it to HR. It's nasty.