Husband was only one not invited

[Beanielou]

My husband has told me that for the second year of working for a company that he has not been invited to the Christmas work do. His work comprises of a few smaller teams and the person in charge of one of these teams also works in a pub and arranges the event. My husband and this person speak on a frequent basis and the coordinator has even discussed the party in front of my husband. His work colleagues all can’t understand why he hasnt been invited, they don’t gel personality wise but this man can be hard to get along with.

last night was the party and at work people were asking each other if they were going. DH works closely with one other person who said he wasn’t. However later DH heard him on the phone saying he was going and had to lie so it didn’t seem awkward in front of DH

My husband isn’t the sort to speak up about it or to find out why but AIBU at being annoyed that no one else has spoken up for him? I can see DH is gutted at not being invited and he says others across the teams have mentioned it to him.

it also feels worse as my six year old daughter was the only girl in her class (out of nine girls) last not invited to a birthday party last month - I’m starting to feel like we are social misfits

[Mentaldays]

This is workplace bullying.

Your husband is being subjected to terrible behaviour.

He should address it but the very nature of the bullying puts him on the back foot and prevents him feeling able to.

Simple outright bullying.

[BobSacamono]

If your DH felt strongly enough about it he could have raised it with the organiser before the party, and given them a chance to save face by suggesting his omission was an honest mistake, eg maybe the organiser was working to an old list of people perhaps?

There’s so many ways to read into this, but it all depends on how much it means to your DH to be included. I imagine it could look anti-social and disengaged to the owners if he’s
not there. Again, up to DH to do something about it if he wants, and sometimes it can all just come down to having a grown up conversation about it.

[Tirrrrred]

Are you sure of the facts?

Do you think possibly he was invited but can't / doesn't want to go so said he didn't receive an invite?

[keepcalm11]

This is awful.

Where I work there is an official comapny Christmas do for everyone.

I am also aware that individual managers are hosting various private parties and inviting who they wish which is of course their perogative.

But he company party should include all staff or its not fair

[Openinguponline]

That's awful. I don't understand how people can be so mean and leave someone out like that. 😔

[KatherineJaneway]

but DH won’t really ask others as he doesn’t want to highlight it further.

Shy or not he needs to or it will never be resolved. He needs to ask someone he is close to why he has been excluded or raise with management as, if this is the official Christmas party, he is being bullied by deliberately not being invited year after year.

[babyjellyfish]

I can't believe this is a thing that happens.

If it's a work Christmas party, everyone who works there should be invited. You don't exclude people just because you don't want them there. If you don't want to invite everyone, you don't hold a work event. It's not a wedding.

[bellabasset]

I always used to be invited but rarely went to evening work dos. That was my choice but partly due to living in a country district where driving 20 or 30 miles wasn't my idea of fun. We then had lunch out which was better. But we were an all inclusive group, being respectful of colleagues was expected.

[keepcalm11]

If DH is shy to ask, would he be happy to email his LM or the organiser or HR and say I dont appear to have receive details of the Christams do........

[Merlott]

Sounds like the org is toxic. They are unlikely to have an HR dept who will support the victim in cases of bullying. I mean heck I had the same bullying by exclusion for a national charity with a well funded HR Dept and they still backed the known bully who had done it to at least 5 staff before me! OP says the same thing has been done to previous staff. So chances of anything good coming from DH raising it are nearly zero.

This is clear cut bullying via exclusion. It's a toxic workplace. Ideally DH would brush up CV and start applying elsewhere. Maybe score a promotion or pay rise as well!

[thewayround]

There will be a reason Op

and I suspect ignorance is best for you OP

[thewayround]

i would leave your DH to it

i would be much more concerned about the situation re my daughter

[CinnamonJellyBeans]

This is bullying and the ones who were invited and didn't speak up or fabricate an excuse not to be there themselves should be ashamed.

[Muddywaters1]

Does he go on nights out with other friends? It is very hard to fathom a company christmas do excluding only one person. Are you sure that's actually the case and it's not just a tale he's spinning for attention, because he doesn't want to go? Or some other reason he won't attend?

[Flowersinspringgrowwild]

This is bullying. It’s horrible.

[BadNomad]

No. People shouldn't be shamed for not getting involved in other people's issues. None of this is the fault of the OP's DH's colleagues.

[Abraxan]

@thewayround

There will be a reason Op

and I suspect ignorance is best for you OP

Or the employees could just be a horrible man who likes to use his power to bully others.

I don't think it's fair to blame OP's dh or make out it's his fault he isn't being invited. There is no basis for that form the OP.

[HeleneLagonelle]

@BadNomad

No. People shouldn't be shamed for not getting involved in other people's issues. None of this is the fault of the OP's DH's colleagues.

Yes. Your DH needs to be the one to raise this if he genuinely wants it resolved.

[Onefootinthegroove]

@babyjellyfish

I can't believe this is a thing that happens.

If it's a work Christmas party, everyone who works there should be invited. You don't exclude people just because you don't want them there. If you don't want to invite everyone, you don't hold a work event. It's not a wedding.

Oh but it does, especially when you have crap management.
I used to work for an FTSE 100 company and our Xmas meal was organised by the office coordinator . She treated it as her own private event for years, invites at her discression , leaving out whole sub teams ect. , even though the company paid a fair bit towards it).
Things only changed when we got a new GM and he took on organizing it himself .

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Your DH has a choice of putting up and shutting up or creating a stink.

He might not "win" but you don't just allow yourself to be shat on.

He needs to put in a formal grievance with his boss. If it's not that kind of company and the boss doesn't give a shit, he needs to ring ACAS or at least citizens advice.

And sorry about your DD. The minefield of children's parties! It's unlikely to be intentionally hurtful although I know that doesn't help.

[RottingAutumnApples]

@Confusion101

That is so hurtful and rude and childish. The fact you can compare it to a child's birthday party shows how incredibly immature the dickhead is that organised it. I would be so hurt and would pull away from that guy. But I think your anger should lie with the organiser, not the rest who didn't speak up for him. He didn't speak up for himself either.

I disagree with this. It’s a lot harder to ‘speak up’ for yourself at a non invite when the obvious answer to ‘why am I not invited’ is ‘ I don’t like you and I wanted to shame you and let everyone you work with know it’.

It’s a lot easier for the colleagues to say ‘ It’s really not on to not invite Bob. If he is not invited, I won’t feel comfortable being there so I won’t be going either.’

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

🥹

[Rainbowsparkles29]

OP is your dh prone to keeping things from you or lying? I'm not saying he's definitely lying but even a small company would usually know that excluding an individual from what is essentially a team building exercise could be classed as workplace bullying and would just decide it isn't working.

Either he's lying in which case he needs to stop or he's allowing himself to be openly bullied in his workplace in which case he needs to grow a backbone. You can't really help him with either of these things so I'd refuse to give him any attention about the issue unless he wants help with one of the above

[Rainbowsparkles29]

And just decide it isn't worth it* sorry

[Mammamia23]

Hi @Beanielou not read all the replies so apologies if this has been explained, but you mention your husbands work comprises of a few teams - could there have been confusion over which “team night out” he should have been on? Appreciate this is bad, and someone somewhere should have made sure he was invited to his proper teams event, but i wonder if it’s a case of lazy organising rather than him being deliberately left out