To think controlled crying is cruel

[KazMa]

DH would like to try controlled crying/sleep training but I am totally against any sort of crying/leaving DS on his own upset. Any advice?

Here is current scenario:

DS just turned 7 months old and we have been co sleeping since the dreaded 4 month sleep regression, he also breastfeeds to sleep - will go to sleep without it but needs a lot of patting, rocking and walking around so it’s easier just to BF.

For a month now I am able to BF to sleep and then leave him in his cot in his own room for nap times and he will sleep 45mins to an hour per nap (3x per day).

At night however he will wake up and only go back to sleep if he is laying & feeding next to me in my bed. (Eg, bedtime at 8pm but he’ll wake at 8:45 and won’t go back to sleep.

I agree but if you want advice I’d start a new thread with a less inflammatory title. I’ve never left DD to cry, I don’t believe you can train a baby to sleep by ignoring them, I wouldn’t leave my husband, a friend, an elderly relative crying in distress or pain or confusion. Sleep is developmental like walking, talking and eating solids.

However, a lot of people have felt they had no option but to use methods like this and you’ll likely get defensive responses which won’t help you in your current situation whereas a more general asking for advice post on the Sleep board might be better.

I agree with you and it's something DH and I never considered even though DS was a terrible sleeper in his early years.

Imho baby's cry for a reason. It's their way of telling you something is wrong. Ignoring that isn't good parenting in my book or just describing some babies as "fussy".

However, I'm sure you'll get some devotees to the method on this thread and IME the my can be pretty evangelical about it.

Frankly I have never engaged. If you're willing to let your baby cry then of course you are going to defend the reasons because the alternative is admitting it's a shitty thing to do.

Upshot the whole thing gives me the creeps - even the name "controlled crying".

It's basically a method to teach babies that crying when something is wrong doesn't result in that need being met. It should be called "dissociative parenting" in my opinion.

I don't necessarily think it's cruel. But I would never do it with any of my children. I would feel guilty to leave them crying.

Well when you have two babies and one set of arms - there’s not much you can do - they do learn to wait or sleep, to the point that neither liked being rocked to sleep because they never had the luxury.

Both now 18 and haven’t ‘suffered’

Worked a treat for us. Took us about 4 nights using controlled crying at 6 months for DS to start sleeping though. He's now 21 and a happy little sausage. So no harm done.

Sorry - haven't given any tips....

What we did was stop the BF to sleep - even if it was easier. I realised I'd made a rod for my own back there as he associated that with being settled and ready to sleep.

It means he was unable to self soothe.

So yes, it took longer but when put to bed, we did a bath and then we rocked/cuddled etc and for the first week of the new approach DH did it - so baby was clear no milk would be forthcoming. Obviously made sure baby had been fed before bedtime routine started.

When baby woke, same routine re: cuddles and rocking and yes it was hard - I won't lie.

As time progressed we moved from cuddles to stroking and calming in the cot until baby reached the point they were are to wake and get back to sleep by themselves.

This.

I take it you only have one child OP?

Try having twins.

I worked with children who's parents did that. Those children were no less happy than the others. No cruel, ill effects.

Your DH can't make you leave the baby, just say you are happy to continue as you are.

I too agree, I think it is cruel. However controlled crying is nothing new, it was common many years ago and nobody thought anything of it.

I'm sorry your husband feels as he does, op. Also mine always co-slept with me and husband, no problem.

It doesn't last forever, they grow up soon enough.

Times have changed. Controlled crying is unnecessary. A baby cries for a reason they have no concept of manipulation at this age.
Responsive parenting is required, not trying to control them to fit your agenda. Leaving a baby to cry can only benefit the adult. A baby needs to feel secure their only way of communicating at this age is by crying. They are more likely to settle if you make them feel loved and secure so leaving them to cry it out is the opposite of this.

Some people do it. Some don't. Some it works for, some it does. I definitely wouldn't call it cruel no. Like pps hav said, when you've more then one crying baby, one or some have to wait.

When I worked in a nursery, new mums would leave quite upset on the first fre days , asking why we were leaving babies to cry like that.

Well with 12 in the room and only space for 6 to be fed at a time or only 2/4 adults, yes some children sat/crawled around crying for a while every day ..til a spare set of hands were available.

It did not damage them, it was not cruel. It was simply life happening around them.

it is called controlled crying as the word controlled is the difference between leaving your child to cry and cry and being in control and comforting your child but not allowing them to control the situation. I speak from experience and I know lots will disagree but with 6 DC and a DC that was waking as they were in the habit of it not for another reason I used control crying. I didn’t go and watch tv while my DC cried or leave them I was in and out of their room until they settled. ( I sat outside the door) The difference was I didn’t make conversation or take them out of the cot. I stroked their head and whispered a word of comfort. Yes it was hard and not the easy option as some think it was. But it worked. It then not only helped me in getting sleep but my DC was a much happier Child as DC need sleep.
as long as your child is not sick and you are happy they have been fed and are clean then controlled crying does work. It’s a personal thing and so I don’t expect everyone to agree

I suppose there are many terms encompassed within 'controlled crying'. With my son and under supervision and written instructions from community midwife he never cried for more than 3 minutes and slept through the night within 4 days (and napped in day, which he couldn't do before either). If things are difficult get professional help

I don't agree, my baby just could not settle and slip into sleep, older wiser women saw and mentioned it to me but it took months of me trying before reaching out for help. Within a week of the sleep expert coming and giving me help he was a different baby. My second had no such problem at all.

Personally I never tried it but then I had a DC who was a fairly good sleeper after they started crawling (at around 6 months, so reasonably early on - before that was torture). I also had a fair amount of family help.

In an imperfect world where there are no ideal solutions, I can understand why it's the best option for some people. As parents, we have varying levels of resources (in terms of help, childcare etc.) and if you're low on resource, controlled crying may be a better option for your DC than having parents dangerously wrecked by exhaustion.

Trouble is you will get posts like this, from either side.

It isn’t right for you if you aren’t comfortable with it.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work fine for other people, as another PP said you can’t attend to twins at the same time, and in previous generations with multiple children it was similarly impossible - it seems unlikely they are all damaged.

Lesson 1 in parenting is realising that it’s OK to start being gently firm and guiding your child in the right direction.

This starts with getting baby into a good sleep routine. It’s hard but so worthwhile. A bit of gentle controlled crying won’t harm your baby’s emotional development! Keep going back and offering plenty of reassurance every minute or two.

I really don’t think good parenting is letting your child call the shots and co sleep for the first however many years. By not taking steps to settle your baby into a good routine at night you’re starting to make this rod for your back.

I would argue that having an older baby or toddler that’s capable of sleeping through the night in their own dark room where they can get a really good nights sleep is a sign of a parent that has put a good effort in and been consistent. Of course there’ll be times during Illness or teething where the routine isn’t possible but it can work the majority of the time.

Loads of people will say oh no I couldn’t, this wouldn’t work for my child because of x,y,z. The reality is it does work for pretty much all children unless there’s some kind of medical reason. It’s the parents it doesn’t work for because it’s bloody hard especially when you have to get up for work the next day. I know this from my own experience. Also some parents like cosleeping which is fair enough.

Also, just to say 'controlled crying' is not 'leave them to cry' as in Dr Spocks time. It's quite a misnomer and in fact involves more soothing, picking up, than leaving to cry. Definitely get professional advice to understand it before you start - you will have a few sleepless nights!

Your kids will treat you how you treat them. It's life's karma. I wouldn't do it.

I hated the thought of it but my son is a big baby and I’ve a bad back - rocking him to sleep every night for an hour was ruining me!
sleep training or whatever you call it is the best thing I ever did - I did it out of necessity but I so regret not doing it earlier. He goes down every night now, never cries, falls asleep in minutes and sleeps through.
he cried for a few minutes at the start, not because he was in pain, or hungry or anything was wrong - just wasn’t what he was used to.
really key to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them at all they’re just mildly put out at lack of attention

My kids are in their 30's and we all love each other, and they haven't disowned me yet, don't be so dramatic 🤣 again to reiterate, get professional advice. It's called sleep training these days in Australia, it's not leaving them to cry in a pram at the end of the garden!

Can I ask were you doing this method with a new born as you mention community midwife who only give care up to day 28 postnatally.
I still view controlled crying as unnecessary it floods the baby's brain with the stress hormone cortisol it increases their blood pressure heart rate anc temperature. I feel the baby gives up more than self soothes itself to sleep.

My children did cry when they wanted sleep - quickly swaddled and laid down for a sleep - not a peep til morning.

What’s wrong with that?