To think controlled crying is cruel

[KazMa]

DH would like to try controlled crying/sleep training but I am totally against any sort of crying/leaving DS on his own upset. Any advice?

Here is current scenario:

DS just turned 7 months old and we have been co sleeping since the dreaded 4 month sleep regression, he also breastfeeds to sleep - will go to sleep without it but needs a lot of patting, rocking and walking around so it’s easier just to BF.

For a month now I am able to BF to sleep and then leave him in his cot in his own room for nap times and he will sleep 45mins to an hour per nap (3x per day).

At night however he will wake up and only go back to sleep if he is laying & feeding next to me in my bed. (Eg, bedtime at 8pm but he’ll wake at 8:45 and won’t go back to sleep.

Who tends to child through the night? If the answer is always you then its none of his business. If you are expecting him to do even some of the night feeds then YABU. My partner co sleeps with our DS because he wouldn't sleep train. I see it as his job because he rejected my answer/solution to the sleepless nights.

We did it and it was great. Prior to this, DD was waking 45 mins / 1 hour every night. Then she’d cry, I’d feed her, we’d start the whole thing again, all night.

She slept through the night on about night 3. Maybe 2 hours of crying in total which was faaaaar less crying than she’d do normally, but it was concentrated to the start of the night. We then slept too and she’s a great sleeper now.

It’s not for everyone. Hearing your baby cry is not nice and if you’re not committed to doing it then that’s cruel, your baby will be bewildered that you left her to cry for 30 mins before picking her up, you do have to be committed.

You should also return to soothe every few mins so you’re not leaving her just to cry and never come back again, that too would be cruel

Worked a treat for me twice after 4 month sleep regression waking around 8 times a night at just over 6 months I did Ferber method but with smaller retreats went from waking as above to sleeping 8-8 in 3 nights

Just also - you always get people on these threads saying there are cases of babies who never cry anymore because they’ve learnt someone won’t come. This is overly emotion nonsense. These cases come from a Romanian orphanage which suffered years of serious neglect. Not the same at all.

My baby would still cry but after CC it was great because we actually knew that something was wrong, not just that she needed help getting to sleep

Should add the change in their development and general chirpiness once they got solid sleep was astounding such happier babies ( and mummy but no one cares about that)

I couldn’t do it with my two, I just imagine that they’d think they were being abandoned as we walk out of the door 😕.

We did it for about 3 nights, repeated it a few months later when kids regressed. But for a couple of nights I’d anguish they rarely worked before 7, we too, weren’t sleep deprived and were probably nicer parents because of it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Mind you my wife couldn’t do it, it was a definite evil daddy job!!

The alternative is cruel is the point.

An unhappy baby for months on end is not good.

I did the Ferber method with my little girl at around 7 months (it's not recommended any younger than this but I can't remember why). This is when you let them cry for 1 min before going in to settle, then 3 mins & settle, 5 mins & settle, 7 mins and so on.

It worked & after only a couple of nights I was able to put her down awake & she'd sleep through with no tears or fuss.

This got us a good year of decent sleep.

But at 18 months it all changed again. She started to want to be held to sleep, then eventually wanted to cuddle through the night. It became harder to settle this way the older she got and was able to shout "mummy cuddle" for example, even harder when into her toddler bed she could just get out of if she wanted. She's 2.5yrs now & I'm currently lying on some floor cushions next to her bed after rubbing her back to settle her back down.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm not against it, it can work but doesn't mean it's fool proof either.

I'm due baby no.2 in January and after a lot of boasting about my great sleeper & how amazing sleep training worked for us, I'm still going to dealing with a newborn & a restless toddler through the night. Any tips on that greatly welcome.

No wonder so many kids secretly self harm when they're older because from a young age they know their parents don't care.

Oh don't be so dramatic!! Plenty of people have used a form of sleep training over the years, and their children won't remember a thing about it. I agree that it makes more sense to have a baby which has learned to sleep through the night than one who constantly wakes up looking for comfort - how can that be good for a baby? They need sleep, just like the rest of us. Honestly, young mothers seem to think they know more about raising babies than anyone else ever did.

I didn't do CC with mine, not sure it would have worked for me. But from the title of the OP and the rest of post I'm guessing you don't know what CC actually is, so I'm not sure how you can judge it's relative merits based on no knowledge.

And if we're going to go with inflammatory - sleep regressions are a well-known myth to sell books, seemingly popular with tired, new parents who are desperate for reassurance that this won't last forever; and co-sleeping is more dangerous than putting the baby to sleep in an empty cot on it's back. I'd say it's quite easily demonstrable that it's FAR more dangerous than CC (which, as I said, I didn't do, so it doesn't hold any great weight with me - it's just clearly not as dangerous, that's kind of obvious).

This "it teaches them you won't come" stuff is claptrap in my experience. CC meant my kids learned to link their sleep cycles. If they have a nightmare or feel unwell or whatever, they still cry and of course we go into them. I know lots of people who sleep trained and none of them have children too scared to wake them if they actually need something.

I firmly believe all kids are different - some need help to learn things and some get it on their own.

My kids cried less during sleep training than they do on a long drive - we minimise driving (we don't own a car and take the train whenever possible rather than renting a car on holiday) to avoid the endless tears. Lot of the anti sleep trainers I suspect just let their kids cry in the car, probably even more upsetting for a baby as they can see you're right there

YANBU at all OP, I agree. DP also hated the thought, he couldn't imagine just leaving them to cry for however long.

It's not for me. Mine have all been left to cry at points - when I needed a wee or shout in a cupboard but I'd never intentionally plan into their day a point to leave them crying.

I noticed that too, it doesn't seem to be okay to leave adults to cry. Surely the poster's husband should have comforted her for so many minutes then walked away to leave her to regulate her emotions by herself...

3 nights for a happier home for everyone. My kids are now teenagers and happy, well rounded people and funnily enough none of them remember those 3 nights that I sat outside their bedroom all night going in and out sleep training them. I did come when they cried, I just didn’t stay lying beside them and lifting them up.

jackpot indeed 😂

I also think the 'cry it out' method is cruel. All it teaches young children is that when they are very distressed, nobody will come and comfort them. Children and babies need comfort. Goodness knows adults do too at times.

That said, it's unrealistic to expect to only ever sleep in 45 minute blocks before your little one is awake and wanting another feed. What else have you tried? Can you try other ways to comfort?

Are we talking about cry it out (CIO) or actual controlled crying (Ferber method)? CIO felt very cruel to me when my DC were babies and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I did try CC where I would gradually decrease the time I’d go into my DS from one minute up to four minutes. I felt awful the whole time and hated doing it and it still wasn’t working after day four or five so stopped.

Obnoxious post and quite clear you've only got one child if you've got the time to BF it to sleep 3 times a day.

Come back to me when you've got another child and we'll see how you feel then

Thank you Heartbroken, I was speechless!🤣🙄

I did it. Wasn’t a decision born of happiness and joy! Those non-sleeping days were horrific and fuelled by DDs reflux. Add in my chronic health condition and an unsupportive husband and it felt like there was no other choice. I don’t think I did anything wrong and DD is a loving, caring, well adjusted 12 year old now!

Woops, Barbarella not Heartbroken

I do remember doing rapid return with my second DC when I was heavily pregnant with DC 3. My husband works evenings and so I would always solo parent bedtimes. DC2 was 18 months and still not settling at bedtime unless I stayed with her until she fell asleep (I was very much path of least resistance!) but I knew being solo in the evenings, this was not a tenable situation with a newborn.

I remember very clearly doing bedtime and leaving, standing on the landing outside and she would cry and get up looking for me. I must have returned her to bed screaming about 15 times. The next night it was a bit less and so on. After about a week we magically got to that place of bedtime cuddles and story and then I could leave. It was a compete game changer and felt like a very gentle method - first few times of returning her to bed, I would say “bedtime now DC, time to go to sleep” and then after that just not saying anything but firmly returning her. But obviously 18 months is very different to a 7 month old in terms of comprehension and communication.

I did controlled crying with my then 6 month old. He slept through from day 3, crying no more than about 45 mins all in.

And yes, he does still call out in the night when he actually needs something and always has done, he's 5 now.

YANBU I could never even consider it. How could I just ignore him when he needed me? He cosleeps, I can't imagine him waking from a nightmare and being scared and just being ignored.