To think controlled crying is cruel

[KazMa]

DH would like to try controlled crying/sleep training but I am totally against any sort of crying/leaving DS on his own upset. Any advice?

Here is current scenario:

DS just turned 7 months old and we have been co sleeping since the dreaded 4 month sleep regression, he also breastfeeds to sleep - will go to sleep without it but needs a lot of patting, rocking and walking around so it’s easier just to BF.

For a month now I am able to BF to sleep and then leave him in his cot in his own room for nap times and he will sleep 45mins to an hour per nap (3x per day).

At night however he will wake up and only go back to sleep if he is laying & feeding next to me in my bed. (Eg, bedtime at 8pm but he’ll wake at 8:45 and won’t go back to sleep.

Did you watch that episode of Handmaids tale too?

It's a tough one. I have friends who breastfed to sleep when their baby was your child's age. Now their babies are 15 months old and they still expect it. So many have had so little sleep their relationships are on edge and they are looking at night weaning. One or two are happy to cosleep till the babies are much older but at least in my group that isn't the norm.

I have had 2 kids that didn't sleep through till aged 2. They were close in age and we coslept because I had to function enough to take care of them safely and be productive at work. My current baby has slept through from 3 months. She falls asleep on her own, no patting, rocking or feeding required. She is my only child to. I would feel her, change her and put her down in her cot, she babbles and then within 10 minutes is usually asleep. If she was to cry I would console her and then give it half an hour before I tried again but she just never has. She goes to bed at 8pm and is tired. I stay upstairs of an evening, (havit from when the older two were little) and am on hand should she wake but she just doesn't. For nap times she just lies down herself but she is 15 months old now. If she is ill we cosleep but that is more for me than her.

There are lot of sleep training methods, if you want look the up, do so. Most do not involve leaving your baby to cry.

Meh I disagree I did it with my daughter - ages a very happy baby,loves her cot now, sleeps so well!

she sometimes even requests to go to bed - walking into her room and reaching up to be out in

happy to say goodnight to everyone and be brought to bed when I say it’s bedtime

failing to see where I’ve been cruel here

she sometimes has to be peeled from my arms at nursery drop off and it’s awful how upset she is some days - but I have to go to work - so what can I do. Nobody ever says it’s cruel or your a bad parent for doing this.

Rather emotionally mature, actually. The facts are there to see. Letting your child cry themselves to sleep is damaging whether you choose to face that fact or not. Not damaging for you of course, you understand what’s going on. The child does not. They’re being deprived of something so natural- comfort. So yeah try shit on my character because I responded to my babies needed and you keep telling yourself this method isn’t cruel 😘

Or has to work. Seriously what judgement.

Still nothing wrong with a toddler having hours or disturbed sleep hey OP.

it’s not cruel- it’s a choice and like all parenting choices each to their own.

That's the whole point!
You don't leave them to cry at all, you go in and settle , then again and settle and again..
They learn you are coming, feel reassured and go to sleep.
I think the "omg they learn you hate them, watch out when you are old " posters are projecting their own issues onto their children and others.
I mean, it's perfectly normal to have a good sleep routine but they have this need for a child to never stop being dependent on them.
It doesn't actually have anything to do with the child's needs -BF a toddler every 20 mins ?
Before everyone jumps on me I BF for England !

7 months?? When a young baby is just displaying baby-like needs? I find this mind blowing

It is cruel. Controlled cruelty. You don't get to opt out of parenting just because its night time. People refuse to put the childs needs before their own wants and then wonder why they end up with teens with anxiety and mental health issues.

He's only a baby, completely defenseless and 100% reliant on you. He comes first, always.

My kids treat me very well now they’re adults. Both sleep trained from an early age - took a few nights but they quickly fell into a healthy sleep routine.
my young grandchildren both love their sleep - both sleep trained.

For the vast majority or babies, it’s about having a clear routine that they quickly become familiar with. One that involves the same smells, sounds and timings around bedtime. If the routine includes getting brought into mummy’s bed for a feed to settle down, then that’s what the baby will get used to. As a parent, if you’re happy to do this, then fine - you’ve sleep trained your baby! From about 6 months old, feeding in the night isn’t necessary for nutrition purposes, it’s a comfort thing.
In today’s world, parents have the choice to have a disturbed nights sleep then try to function well during the day on less than needed sleep, or sleep train over a few nights and have a settled baby that sleeps for a good 8 hours or more. Everyone gets decent sleep.
for those criticising it and implying parents who sleep train are damaging their children because they’re not getting their needs met, that’s emotional blackmail and utter rubbish. I can guarantee if you surveyed all MN users, no one can remember how they learned to sleep routinely as a baby or whether their parents coslept or left them to self settle, No one.

Of course it isn't cruel.

Can't believe some of the ridiculous replies on here.

What you're doing now is just a habit you've created. No more. No less.

Your child is 7 months old. Time to create another habit/routine that benefits your child.

For those saying you ignore your child or you are leaving them to cry do not have any idea what controlled crying is. I was told to do it by my health visitor as I was so so tired and my DC was so so tired. In order to do it I had to spend all night awake. You go in and out to your baby. I literally spend all night for two days outside their door. It started to get better on the first night. Instead of waking every 39 minutes it got less and less. After the second night my DC a had a full night sleep and what a huge difference it made to my DC. He was a different baby and I am sure I was a different mum. So no you are not being lazy and ignoring your DC , nor are you not going to see them when you cry. You are just letting them know it is the middle of the night and not playtime / food time etc. you have to be very strong to do it as you are literally up all night and the urge to not just take the easier option and pick up your DC and put them in bed with you is hard to resist when your tired but it does work and is not cruel. My health visitor said to me you are the adult and you need to help your DC and indeed you get a full night sleep.
we all have different ideas as parents and what was right for me and my DC is not the same for others but is mums are not being cruel we are doing what we believe is best for our DC.

Letting your child cry themselves to sleep is damaging
that’s cry it out!
there’s also plenty of evidence that sleep deprivation is detrimental. So when you have a toddler (not a baby) taking hours to get to sleep and waking every few hours after that, that’s not good for their development.

To those criticising I didn't leave my baby alone,her cot was by our bed for over a year.
It took one hour in 2x 30 minute bursts,one night to break the habit of waking in the night
to play.
It's what works for each parent and for me putting a small baby in a seperate room to sleep seems wierd,that doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone.

It worked well with all of mine. I'd go in to check that they didn't need anything, and then leave them to cry. I'd pop back periodically and just touch or stroke them, then leave again. I think it was about 45 minutes the first night, less the second night and they slept through on the third night. I suppose it does feel a bit cruel when they're crying, but then they are able to happily get themselves back to sleep and they have a well-rested mum. I'm not aware of any negative side-effects and they are happy, loving, well adjusted young people now.

people always get confused by the terms

Sleep training - just means anything that helps to remove the crutch the baby has and teaches them to fall asleep independently. Shush pat is sleep training!
Cry it out - shut the door and leave the baby to cry for however long, you don’t go back
Controlled crying - return at increasing intervals to comfort

I wish the cosleeping / BF every 20 minute brigade would bother to learn the difference

I think it completely depends on the baby, my dd needed quiet, dark space in order to fall asleep. If I tried to comfort her she got more and more agitated.

For us it was 5 mins crying for a good nights sleep vs hours of comforting for no sleep 🤷‍♀️

She's 16yo now and still needs a quiet, dark place to sleep and does not seem too traumatised by the 5 mins of crying.

No it isn't cruel.

Also get it out and controlled crying are different things

god this thread is so judgemental though honestly

i don’t think it’s cruel, but fair enough if you don’t want to do it. But it doesn’t mean leaving them crying all night. Can just be starting to wait a minute before going in, or not picking them up but instead patting/speaking to them.

Like I said...mistaking sentimentality for genuine emotional insight. We saw it in your first post, didn't need more evidence. And the kissy face emoji just screams maturity haha.

To any sleep deprived mums considering sleep training who are reading this nonsense, my advice is just to really look at the type of people pushing the anti-sleep training rhetoric and ask yourself if they sound like the type of person you want to take advice from. Do they sound compassionate, thoughtful, and caring? Do what's best for your baby and family.

we had a chronic non sleeper in our eldest. We didn't do controlled crying. We coslept. For about 4 years. Turned our bedroom into a massive floor mattress and all slept there.

Controlled crying is not just shutting the door and leaving them to it and if I had my time over I think I'd give it a go.

People say oh you're teaching them that there's no point crying because nobody will come (I'm ashamed to admit I said the same in the past before I understood what controlled crying is actually supposed to be)

But it isn't that. You are teaching them that they are safe and you are there. That you do come when they cry. You don't pick them up and play with them in the middle of the night but you are there. If they are hungry you give them milk. If their nappy needs changing you do it. You don't leave them there all night hungry and with a stinking load in their nappy.

You are up and down like a yo-yo. Sitting on the floor outside their bedroom for hours so you can go in every few minutes so they know you are there and they are able to settle.

In the end they learn that someone will always come if they have a need.

Completely different from the nspcc "miles has learned that nobody will come" thing.

Don't do it then.

We did after trying some "gentle" methods that all also involved crying. DS didn't sleep, would only be cuddled to sleep for hours and then woke every 45 minutes, he was a mess in nursery, I was mess in work, I nearly crashed my car because I nodded off at the wheel. I'll take being "cruel" over being so exhausted I can't function.

Can confirm he still cries and still gets plenty of attention, just he sleeps 11 hours at night now.

Like I said, it’s your choice to ignore the obvious in order push your own lazy method. Using the maturity card is weak when arguably you’re lacking the emotional maturity to understand that asking an adult norm of a 6/7/8 month old baby is such a reach. Of course it can be imposed upon them but to the detriment of them, because they have been an inconvenience to the ADULT who chose to have them. It lacks compassion, care and thoughtfulness.

I had to resort to it twice, both times when my children were just over one. It was a last resort. I'd tried everything else such as co-sleeping, gradual withdrawal etc. I was on my knees with sleep deprivation and my children were too. For my daughter it took one night, for my son it took 2 nights. Both children were so, so much happier afterwards because they were getting sleep. Yes they cried during the process but they knew I was there. I went every few minutes, they also heard my voice from outside. They knew I hadn't just abandoned them. They cried simply because they wanted to get up and play. It wasn't co-sleeping they wanted - we'd tried that so many times. At that age they often cried if they didn't get their own way, or I wouldn't buy them something in a shop or I served food on the wrong plate etc. You don't feel wracked with guilt if they cry at other times. As I say it was very quick to work and benefitted THEM even more than me. It was a gift I gave to them to remind them how to sleep on their own. I know many children eventually learn to sleep but I have friends who couldn't do it and their children still didn't sleep well many years later. I don't think that's fair on the children.

Controlled crying isn't 'cry it out', controlled is checking on the baby but not picking them up, instead patting, shushing etc. Leaving them to cry without checking on them isn't controlled crying. I did it with both mine it worked fine in one night. We all slept better including the baby. They don't hate me now they are adults either!