AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

[TheAbsentGazelle]

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

Op

Please do it, for yourself.
I've seen so often, abuse festers because it's kept a secret.

Tempting as this may be, I'd say no. Be dignified. Her husband may have told her and still she acts like this? You'll do yourself no favours and may come off worse. Rise above, you'll never regret that.

If it's not going to change her mind or benefit you anyway, then I wouldn't bother. Totally understand why you feel this way. You've done all the right things, now maybe try speaking with a therapist to work all the understandable anger out. Hopefully you have people in your corner too, it makes sense he has his own mum in his. Good luck with the separation.

Blood is thicker than water - even for your ex FIL. Message the MIL by all means but keep your own future business to yourself. His family are not your friends anymore.

Don't bother, she won't believe you or care. Stay silent and dignified.

My now ex ils were blinkered to their ds's massive faults. Their logic was to stay away from our home and therefore not see the damage he did.
They were unable to deny it when he tried to punch his own dm. A pensioner in her own front garden.
Tell your mil op but don't expect her to care.

I told my MiL , she never spoke to me again . We had been really close too .

I'm not trying to get her on my side or to get her to believe me, I know she won't.

The message in the card has just riled me. I feel like she's put that in there deliberately as she knows I will see it.

It's a dig directly at me. Not just words of comfort for her son.

Think carefully before you do it. It would be very satisfying, but you could open a can of worms! I wouldn't go into details. You don't want to antagonize her and FIL, as you could make things worse for yourself.

Just leave it. Be glad your ex DH has got her to moan at. She's welcome to him.

DP and I have a dog which we will be sharing care of so it's not like he or the in-laws will be out of my life soon.

I'll still see them when I'm picking the dog up etc (he's moving back with his parents).

I probably wouldn't be so bothered if I was never going to see them again.

Why do you think she's getting a dig at you with what she's written?

A mother hold her son responsible for his own behaviour? A mother see her son as anything than an angel and ray of light??! Your joking aren't you? Mothers are the worst when It comes to recognising bad behaviour in the men that they raise and most are very misogynistic thinking women to always be the problem. I wouldn't bother, she will never accept it, she will say something back after getting his input and you'll be left even more upset. I have the same experience with my own mother babying the living shit out of my brother and always being a total rude bitch to his girlfriend. She raised an absolute useless shitbag who can't even flush a toilet or turn a washing machine on. She can't see it though. It's probably my fault he's like this, or another woman's fault. Not her golden baby boy.

I can understand why you would want to, but I don't think you would achieve anything. Pretend you haven't seen the card, and behave as usual around her. It will drive her mad...

Write a letter (literally, on paper) and get everything out. Even if the order is mad and its full of swearing. And after writing it all down, anger, angst, all of it, decide if you want to send it, or re-write and send a version, or just burn it and be done. Something my therapist advised, because being able to get it out is sometimes all the closure you need, or at least enough to feel you can start to move away from it. I wrote one to my old boss. It ended with 'I f...ing hate you NAME. F... you' (I didn't send it 😂)

You're stronger than all this OP. Regardless of hoe it feels or what anyone else thinks, you're out. You won.

Well done for calling it a day, He probably spun his mother a story that he was the victim. You are the winner here to be rid of him. Best wishes.

MIL is one of those people who loves reading cards. Every year she'll come to our house and read all our birthday cards, Valentines cards or Christmas cards on display in the house.

Why write something like that in a card that she knows ex will put up on display in the house? She could say these words to him privately.

You could but she won't care.
She's team son regardless of how he's behaved.

Tell her exactly what he is.

She knows. Or she would if she would allow herself to.

Dont waste your time.

And frankly, let him have the dog. Cut all ties now and walk away clean.

Surely the money in 'his' bank account comes under joint assets?

Urgh as satisfying as it would be chances are he would just say you are lying and she'll believe him anyway. Plus he sounds volatile and it's not worth doing anything that could trigger him to do anything dangerous.

I did this too a bit but wish I had told them the full story - they went NC but I wish they knew why their son had a life long restraining order

I'd wait, if you'll see her it will come up in conversation, just some little remark she'll make -but that's your opening
The truth always comes out,
I bet she has her suspicions already but who wants to hear that about her own child

I did tell my in-laws what their precious son was like, they didn't care, took his side and no doubt believed him when he told them I was lying. But god it made me feel better.

About 10 years later I bumped into the wife of his best friend, she was no longer married to him, but she told my ex had got remarried and was treating his new wife just as bad as he treated me. The words 'you know better than anyone how bad he is', we're said. This made me feel so much better, as people, even if they don't want to admit it at the time, could also see what an awful man he was. To this day I still think his Mum knows I was telling the truth.