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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

142 replies

TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 19:15

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 19:40

StoneofDestiny · 12/12/2022 19:31

Surely the money in 'his' bank account comes under joint assets?

Sorry. I say MIL but we actually weren't married. So no, not joint assets unfortunately. I'm planning on taking him to court to get it back.

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 12/12/2022 19:42

When you split with someone you find out exactly what their family really think of you.
I wouldn’t bother saying anything. If you genuinely think MIL was making a dig at you with the card, then there’s no point. The way you say the card was worded does scream ‘my precious angelic faultless son’ so I think you would be wasting your breath. You also shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that his parents brought him up to be the awful man that he sounds.

MsRosley · 12/12/2022 19:43

Don't do it out of spite, do it in the spirit of information she needs. If one of my sons was being a giant arsehole to his partner, I would definitely want to know.

MarshaMelrose · 12/12/2022 19:43

I'm very sorry that you ended up being subjected to such controlling behaviour and good for you getting out of it.
On the hand, I don't see what she's done that is that bad. Sorry.
She's sad the house has been sold because its an end to a relationship she always thought would continue. And she has assured her son she'll be there for him. Of course she will. You'd be the same for your child.
What's wrong with any of that? It's natural that you love and support your family. Even when you can see faults in what they do, you still love them.
You can lay out all the facts of why you're splitting up but they'll all stand by him, not because they don't like you, but because they love him.

Original poster
TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 19:43

Thank you everyone. You're all very sensible. I'm just so pissed off that he's getting away with so much.

She'll see what he's like soon enough when he moves back in with her. He's 40 years old and doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 12/12/2022 19:44

Say/do nothing.
Stay dignified and silent.

And you will always know what a sad cow she is... cos one day her bubble might just burst!

And then you can stay dignified and silent...... and smiling!

Think Mona Lisa!!

YogaLite · 12/12/2022 19:46

Just shred the card, forget it and move on don't waste your time on the past.

dolor · 12/12/2022 19:47

I'd make sure she knows everything, fuck being dignified about it. Write it up, tell her everything, and then cut the lot of them off.

You've suffered this long, they need to know what he's really like.

littleburn · 12/12/2022 19:47

I take issue with the 'keep your dignity and keep quiet' line. I don't think there's anything undignified about calmly and concisely telling the truth. As a generalism I think 'keeping your dignity' is akin to 'let him get away with it.' But then I did post to a Facebook social group that the charming single guy they went to the pub with every Friday - who was working his way through the women in the group - was in fact my cheating boyfriend of 5 years standing. Nothing undignified with stating the facts for others to make of what they wish! And yes I imagine I was painted as a crazy, stalking ex, but I'm sure it also gave a few people pause for thought before getting involved with him.

Anyway OP, provided you're not hoping it will change her views, I think there's nothing wrong with explaining to your MiL why the marriage has ended. You're just stating facts. It's up to her what she makes of it, but at least you'll know that she knows and it won't be niggling away at you.

CornishGem1975 · 12/12/2022 19:48

They won't care, the loyalty will be with their son. If you think it will make you feel better...but you may just end up more frustrated.

fedup0987 · 12/12/2022 19:49

The reality is, MIL and FIL will probably know what he's like deep down (but not the full extent) and even if you plastered it on the local billboard she'd blame you anyways. Just keep busy and forgot about her xx

Idontdoyoga · 12/12/2022 19:50

Rise above it with dignity. Stand proud. Keep your counsel. Keep your powder dry.

As suggested above, write it all out. Draft it & draft it as many times as you need to but don’t send it. Keep it & in 12 months time you'll re-read it and be glad you’re “out the other side.”
What goes around, comes around.
Good luck. It’s a New Year soon. Time to look forward to new beginnings.

walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 19:51

I'd be tempted to telephone her and ask if she'd like you to explain why this is happening

OnlyFannys · 12/12/2022 19:51

I know how you are feeling op I have been there and battled with similar myself. In the end.i just left it as not only would I come accross as bitter I decided that part of moving on was moving on from his family. Getting into drama and going back and forth with he said she said just prolongs the drama. Make a clean break and walk away, ultimately it doesn't matter what they think of you and they will always back their son

twinklestarin · 12/12/2022 19:52

It wont a difference. If she wanted to know your side she would have asked. She is clearly biased. This will only make her look at you as a spiteful ex in her eyes

Comtesse · 12/12/2022 19:52

I am not a massive believer in “they go low and we go high”. It is not undignified to give your side of the story in a calm truthful way. Don’t expect it will do much good mind you, but why should you hold your peace?

Americano75 · 12/12/2022 19:56

Honestly, I say go for it. My ex MIL maintained that her precious son could not possibly be mostly at fault for the implosion of our marriage and that there were 'faults on both sides'. Which is weird as I wasn't the abusive alcoholic having an affair, probably because I was too busy looking after our small baby. I didn't put her straight at the time because I was just too broken down, but I did a few years later. She went very quiet. She isn't a bad woman, just deluded.

poefaced · 12/12/2022 19:57

He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back

This is why it’s not always right to combine funds. The MN mantra of joint savings is not always correct.

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2022 19:57

i assume you were both on the mortgage for you to have to sell

shame if he didnt even contribute-id tell them just to get it out but dont be surprised if she doesnt belive a word of it

OldFan · 12/12/2022 19:59

@TheAbsentGazelle You could tell her if it would make you feel better to set the story straight. But I suggest blocking her immediately after so she can't say hurtful things in response. If she writes to you, chuck it without reading it.

It could be very unpleasant to get a response where she's not going to say anything supportive (well it's unlikely) and probably will claim what you're saying isn't true.

Nottodaty · 12/12/2022 20:00

She already knows - promise. She is just trying to keep the peace with her son. It’s what mothers do.
My Auntie is a nightmare her ex-husband went over to my Nans and told her all what she was up to. She said while I know it’s wrong she is my flesh and blood and I have to stand by her and will always be there for her.

frazzledasarock · 12/12/2022 20:01

If it makes you feel better tell her exactly what he’s done.

BUT, don’t expect her to be understanding or to take your side. He’s her son, she’s very likely to take his side even with clear proof.

no doubt he’ll treat her like shit soon and she’ll see exactly what he’s like. And blame you probably!

good luck with getting your money back off him. Can you not take his stuff and sell it on eBay/Vinted and get your money back that way?

Original poster
TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 20:02

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2022 19:57

i assume you were both on the mortgage for you to have to sell

shame if he didnt even contribute-id tell them just to get it out but dont be surprised if she doesnt belive a word of it

Yep. I paid the deposit and paid every single mortgage payment for the past 9 years but, because he's also on the mortgage, I'm having to sell up. He's not only wrecked my self-esteem, he's also making tens of thousands off me too. Yet he's playing the victim.

OP posts:
LondonSouth28 · 12/12/2022 20:02

My ex in laws refuse to hear a word against their son. This was a man who had been physically and verbally abusive, had mental health issues that he failed to manage, was taking drugs, was an alcoholic (as proven by his monthly failure of Court ordered drug and alcohol tests - he passed after 14 months) and he had physically injured his children. Social services were involved and concerned about him. I might add there was hard evidence to support it all and they saw the 12 page testimony and every single thing had hard irrefutable evidence and still I was the bad one. The whole blood is thicker than water thing is true. I was truly shocked when his family declared me the 'evil witch' and my favourite, "exh doesn't have a drug, drink or mental health problem he has a wife problem"!!

He will move back in with her and (if you have kids) she will help him look after them and it sounds like he will need that help! Also you never know if you may need to have her on side to help with something - for example, making him sign papers etc!

So don't bother ...

Greensleevevssnotnose · 12/12/2022 20:04

When I got divorced I heard he told his parents I was unfaithful which was untrue I filed for battery and unreasonable behaviour. When it was all sorted I sent her all the paperwork detailing how he spentpt the IVF money she gave us on booze, re mortgaged the house without my knowledge and spent that on booze list his job due to positive alcohol test etc. I don't know if she read it but I felt better. Do it.