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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

142 replies

TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 19:15

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

OP posts:
changeme4this · 12/12/2022 20:05

I don't think the card is a direct dig at you, obviously he has an opinion of what has happened to your relationship and he has given his parents his version of it (as we all do).

So that's the side MIL is seeing, and she is just trying to be supportive to him.

ps. I can think of a couple of messages I have sent to a former neighbour to try and cheer him up and help him start to look on the bright side, yet I have no idea (and don't really want to know) what Her side of it is.

Those messages were not written as a slur against her at all should she ever get to read them. I hope that makes sense...

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 20:06

I wouldn’t bother.

Sharing the dog won’t work, he’s not the sort you can have any sort of amicable pet coparenting relationship with. It’ll end in tears, don’t do it.

You’ve done the right thing ditching him, you won’t get to enjoy your freedom unless you make a clean break and stop having contact with him.

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 20:13

Send your FIL a Christmas card: "Thanks for all your support."

LPI · 12/12/2022 20:14

I would understand why you would want to tell her, and to be honest I would too if I wasn't going to see her ever again - who cares what she might think.

However if you're still going to see her for your dog then I would leave it, you're making it difficult for yourself. It will leave a very bitter aftertaste.

Hope you're ok Flowers

Original poster
TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 20:14

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 20:13

Send your FIL a Christmas card: "Thanks for all your support."

Ha! I love that! Grin

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 12/12/2022 20:15

Don’t bother.

Also I think you need to just let the dog go. Either buy it off him or let it go. Why tie yourself to your ex for any longer? He sounds like an ass.

Also regarding the money he’s withholding from you: tell him he hands it back or you’ll just take it off of his share of the sale of the house. If you can prove it’s yours send the threat via a solicitor.

LPI · 12/12/2022 20:17

Btw my FIL stayed with us for almost a month once and it was very evident that he saw all the positives of DH and negatives of me. He was always complementing DH's work, cooking, how he looks after the kids and never about me.

That's what parents do. Your in laws will never believe you

Squamata · 12/12/2022 20:21

Nah. They're not going to go, 'we thought our son was an angel but then ex-DIL sent us a bluntly-worded card and it completely changed our minds'. You'll upset them then they'll remember only that you were ungracious, not the content of what you said. You'll just give them fuel to say 'gazelle sent us such a rude card, after all we did for her' blah blah.

I agree sharing the dog won't work. Don't invest more energy in them than you have to, you need it to build a new life. Good luck! Flowers

Genevieva · 12/12/2022 20:23

You need to look into coercive control. This is a criminal offence and as criminals are not permitted to benefit from the proceeds of crime it would mean he would not be entitled to a penny. But it is a serious crime and it would need correspondingly substantial evidence. Being forced to pay for all the basics of life while he presumably squandered his income would not be sufficient. The other option is a civil case in which you suggest he settles out of court by letting you keep the lion's share of the sale value because it would be cheaper than him going to court, losing all of the sale value and having to pay both sets of legal fees.

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/12/2022 20:25

How have you not gone to the police about the secret cameras and tracker on your car?

Itsabitnotcold · 12/12/2022 20:26

I'd be amazed if 1. She didn't know what kind of man she'd raised. And 2. She would ever believe it was his fault anyway.

It would only end up slapping you in the face somehow.

Fomn · 12/12/2022 20:26

I've said yabu, but that's not for telling your mil how her son has behaved, but rather for what seems to me your misplaced anger.

You say she's not been in touch, but to me her saying she's sad to see the house up for sale, seems like she's trying to offer you sympathy, perhaps it's clumsy, but I'm not sure why you're so angry about it. And since you've just ignored it she's got to assume you don't want to talk to her.

As for the Christmas card, well he's her son, she's unlikely to completely turn her back on him no matter what she thinks of his behaviour. So then what would you have had her write in a Xmas card? Just wishing him a Merry Xmas and ignoring the situation would be insensitive. It really just reads to me as a mother offering her son support, I don't see it as a dig at you at all.

But go ahead and tell her or anyone/everyone else how he's behaved, but don't expect his mother to turn her back on him no matter what she might think of his behaviour.

DilemmaADay · 12/12/2022 20:29

Either mother-in-law is tone deaf or she's being passive aggressive.... Seems strange all the times that father-in-law has seen you both to help pack the house up that he couldn't have passed the card on for your exH himself when you haven't been present

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/12/2022 20:33

I'd recommend saving your breath.

She knows exactly what he is (the product of his upbringing, no doubt) and couldn't care less. She sent that card to make a calculated dig, same as my own MiL refuses to address me by my actual name but always DH's; a name I've never used. She wants a response, and you'll be gratifying that wish if you give her one.

Silence is its own reply. It says 'You're nothing to me. I don't care enough about you to even dignify your childish passive aggression with a response'. It conveys sheer contempt and disinterest. It's one of the most powerful responses there is.

She wants a scene, and having written that card is probably gearing up for one.

Disappoint her.

Original poster
TheAbsentGazelle · 12/12/2022 20:34

Fomn · 12/12/2022 20:26

I've said yabu, but that's not for telling your mil how her son has behaved, but rather for what seems to me your misplaced anger.

You say she's not been in touch, but to me her saying she's sad to see the house up for sale, seems like she's trying to offer you sympathy, perhaps it's clumsy, but I'm not sure why you're so angry about it. And since you've just ignored it she's got to assume you don't want to talk to her.

As for the Christmas card, well he's her son, she's unlikely to completely turn her back on him no matter what she thinks of his behaviour. So then what would you have had her write in a Xmas card? Just wishing him a Merry Xmas and ignoring the situation would be insensitive. It really just reads to me as a mother offering her son support, I don't see it as a dig at you at all.

But go ahead and tell her or anyone/everyone else how he's behaved, but don't expect his mother to turn her back on him no matter what she might think of his behaviour.

I am maybe reading too much into it.

I was just expecting something different after all these years rather than how upset SHE was about seeing MY house on the market. Not even any words of empathy at all about the situation. All the rest of her family managed that, including her sister, nieces and husband.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 12/12/2022 20:34

So It's your house. You paid for it. He didn't contribute a cent. But his name is on thd deeds? Why did you do that? Why didn't he pay anything? Why has he got your money? This is all so bizarre.

To answer your question no don't talk to his mum again. Sharing a dog seems like a bad idea. It's not a child. Clean break.

Pinkyxx · 12/12/2022 20:34

If you do tell her, it won't have the desired effect. When I split from my abusive ex , his parents whom I'd be close to immediately sided with him. I was hurt, and tempted to tell then the truth about their precious son. I choose not to as I didn't want to create animosity with my DD's grandparents.

Over the years, ex continued to act like the man he is. I no longer had to put up with it, so didn't which caused ongoing conflict. About 6 years after we'd divorced, his father called me one Christmas all upset because his son had told him I was ''breaking the court order'' and this meant none of their side of the family would see DD. He felt I was being very selfish and cruel. He hoped to help me see sense for the sake of our child. I invited him to ask his son for a copy of said court order to see for himself, assuring him I was not in breach, I was simply asking his son to follow the order. While I don't know what discussions took place, after that Christmas, the warmth I'd previously experienced from ex's parents parents returned. I can only assume he exposed himself for who he actually is.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 12/12/2022 20:34

Do it if it makes you feel better (hell do whatever makes you feel better at the moment) But don’t get your hopes up for a positive response.

I paid off my ExH ‘s credit cards, student loan (old type) bank overdraft, used my (early) inheritance to pay £30k off the mortgage. MiL was disgusted when he left for the OW when DD3 was 14wks old. She forgave him in literally two months and the MiL was having Christmas Dinner with him and the OW three months after he left. They say ‘blood is thicker…’ and it’s true.

But it doesn’t stop you from dropping a ‘truth bomb’!

Good luck OP!

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2022 20:35

Americano75 · 12/12/2022 19:56

Honestly, I say go for it. My ex MIL maintained that her precious son could not possibly be mostly at fault for the implosion of our marriage and that there were 'faults on both sides'. Which is weird as I wasn't the abusive alcoholic having an affair, probably because I was too busy looking after our small baby. I didn't put her straight at the time because I was just too broken down, but I did a few years later. She went very quiet. She isn't a bad woman, just deluded.

She's not the only deluded mil.
My ex husband's mother was the same. Utterly deluded. He was her golden boy.

GruffaIo · 12/12/2022 20:37

OP, have you got legal advice about how much you're paying your ex from the net proceeds of sale?

roarfeckingroarr · 12/12/2022 20:37

Speaking as a mother of a son, I wouldn't care about what you have to say. He's her baby. Such is life.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 12/12/2022 20:38

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2022 20:35

She's not the only deluded mil.
My ex husband's mother was the same. Utterly deluded. He was her golden boy.

Show quote history

This!

My MiL (who I had been close to) ended up saying her darling son did nothing wrong in leaving his wife and three kids for someone else - he ‘just fell in love’.

Americano75 · 12/12/2022 20:38

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2022 20:35

She's not the only deluded mil.
My ex husband's mother was the same. Utterly deluded. He was her golden boy.

Show quote history

It was a long time ago for me now but I remember how much it hurt back then. My ex MIL knew her son wasn't perfect but she didn't want to believe he could be at fault really, on top of being upset at the split. By the time I gently told her the full truth a lot of water had gone under the bridge.

vivaespanaole · 12/12/2022 20:39

Its galling. But she will never acknowledge what you need/want her to. And to be honest nor should she in some ways. She should always be loyal to her son. Some people just aren't emotionally equipped to be able to do both that AND acknowledge the pain and distress of the other party.

Your father in law clearly gets it. So id say SHE KNOWS. But isn't going to acknowledge it.

Id shoot holes in his story but slowly over time. If you scream like a banshee in anger your MIL will cover her ears. So instead if he has painted you as an angry unreasonable witch-then continue to be delightful to her every time you collect the dog. Undermine his story. And drop little things into conversation over time if you feel you need to. Oh right DH mentioned the dog insurance. Ah right my share can come out of the money of mine he is withholding.

But i honestly think pennies drop over time. People with time realise the explanation they were given doesn't stack up.

GrumpyPanda · 12/12/2022 20:40

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/12/2022 20:25

How have you not gone to the police about the secret cameras and tracker on your car?

Very much this. Especially if, as you seem to indicate, the walker is still living in the house.

Oh and let him have the dog. Who knows, he may even get fed up with caring for the beastie.