AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

[TheAbsentGazelle]

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

Then he’s yours. And you don’t need to let your ex have anything to do with him.

OP, I know you’ve said you’ve seen a solicitor about the house,but why is he getting your furniture and possessions? You’re not married so there is no 50:50. The house might be a definite, but I’d be deducting things from the amount of equity he’s due. Yours is a perfect example of why being unmarried is an advantage!

He’s your dog then. Don’t share him.

As you say I don’t think it would change her view one bit.

It’d be bad karma if you ask me. He’s a prick. You’ve survived him and moved on. You’ve won.

Dear mil,

just a quick card to say how much the realisation that it is the level of your support and understanding that has both confirmed and sustained my knowledge that what I am doing is absolutely the right thing both for my mental health and my future economic sanity. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but if it wasn’t for you - and especially the clear way you have always expressed your feelings about me - I wouldn’t have had the courage to end the relationship and move on to my future life, so I will always feel grateful for the extra push I think you gave me to break free.

There, that will be something for her to put up on her mantelpiece and re read a few times until it sinks in.😃

@viques That is such a brilliant letter!

She will always be his MUM. Regardless of who is at fault, she will support him through this.

What do you want to do? Alienate him from his family? Why do you care what his family thinks of you? I’m sure he’ll have things to say about you too, would it be acceptable if he spoke to your parents and relatives about it?

I am NOT saying he wasn’t bad to you. I don’t know. But, they are his family regardless.

That is a great message, @viques .

If she is trying to get a rise out of you the best thing to do is act totally oblivious. Guaranteed to put her nose out of joint.

I think I would write her a card and wish her a happy Christmas and you hope that the new year brings happiness to her and her family and that you hope her sons treatment of you (cameras all over the house, trackers on your car, financial abuse etc) doesn't now transfer to her as the dominant female in his life and you genuinely do wish them a peaceful and calm 2023 together.

Aka im being nice because you catch more flies with honey than vinegar but im also throwing some salt in the wound.

Amazing @viques !

Haha @viques that's brilliant!

Im still pissed off that MIL hasn't even bothered to get in touch with me. Her DS is making minimum effort with our son, despite me offering him anytime he wants and 50/50 etc. He'll no doubt be telling her I won't let him, which is quite the opposite. Any words of wisdom on what I could put in her card? Obviously I've not received one from her but I don't want our son going to see her on Xmas day with no card and pressie

Maybe you could start your own thread?

I had this too, definitely blood thicker than water and they believe whatever diluted version of the truth he gave them.
My ex had a double life for several years, barely saw out DC because he was flirting between families. However his parents don't speak to me and now are having a lovely Christmas with his affair partner.

Although I think a lot is denial, 'if we don't talk about it then it didn't happen' and Shame on her parenting that golden son has fucked up, so it's easier to pretend it isn't the case, 'what would Vera as the coffee morning say if she knew' mentality.
That's why so many families scandal comes out 30 years later.

It's annoying, upsetting and beyond irritating but try to rise above it. I'm still planning on writing a book about what I experienced with him and then post the in-laws a copy eventually

Definitely tell her. In a plain factual way. Write it down, just to set the record straight.

Wait until the divorce and house sale are all 100% complete. No point unleashing any potential drama now.

I think you are taking it personally, when it isn't a dig at you at all. It is the kind of thing mothers say to sons when they are in trouble, whether the trouble is of their own making or not.

He isn't going to come out of this a better person without family support. Be glad for him and for his next partner, that he has got support,