AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

[TheAbsentGazelle]

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

Let it go, @TheAbsentGazelle.
If you really feel you can't, then reply 'recollections may vary' and say no more.
Best of luck to you.

Also 50/50 is a starting point surely why can you not challenge this

She means no evil. She’s just birthed a shit which I am sure she knows about. It’s dreadful to have a shit got a son. I would leave her. You get to move on. She can’t.

I imagine that it will be impossible for her to actually think through what her son has done to you. Best to ignore her. Don’t let her wrong opinions get to you. Send back the Christmas card with a return to sender note.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

When the house is sold, when the money issues are resolved, when the dust has settled and you are safely ensconced in a new home, then say your piece. Saying something now could make things more difficult.

Not all MIL are blinded by their sons. My ex MIL disowned her son as soon as I told her how violent and controlling he was. She never allowed him to say a bad word about me and until the day she died was always my biggest supporter and more of a mum than my own. I miss her every day

I’d write her a card with a few truths if that alone is cathartic. But as long as you don’t expect anything useful in reply. As you’ll likely be disappointed :(

What will you gain from it ?

You are directing your anger towards your mik whibhasnt done anything other than keep out of it. Your fil has been really helpful

All you will do is hurt them.

The best revenge is a life well led. Move on enjoy your life

OP I feel for you. My Mil and I were best friends and did everything together with my own mum and son. She always questioned where her abusive son was, and knew the answer would be in the pub or hungover. She told me I had to put a stop to it. I'd told her about instances of abuse and she said "he's just frustrated as he works so hard"

We eventually split, abuse amplified and he ended up with a caution for DA. His family completely cut me off. I sent her a message giving my side of the story, no reply.

It did make me feels better as I know she's heard my side now, whether she believes it or not is irrelevant as the police don't caution people without evidence

It's up to you, but don't expect her to reply

I would write it OP - not out of spite but to "clear your name" in his household. Why should you let his version of events be the only one they hear? She deserves to be confronted with thge actual facts, particularly his abusive behaviour and the situation about the mortgage payments and your money that he still has. She won't want to believe it, but it will be there in black and white for his family to think abpout. I think you owe it to yourself to let them know the real situation as a way of defending yourself. If they had any decency they might try and get him to pay you some of what he owes too..

Don't do it. He fooled you long enough to financially and emotionally abuse you for 13 years.

She is his Mother and he will be very careful to manipulate her so she never realises what you now have.

Just be glad your eyes have opened and make sure you never get into a relationship like it again.

It's been 3 years and I still get the dig Christmas cards, and a birthday dig this year too! It's getting more and more bullying, I think next year might be outright hate mail. DC gets ott gushing lovey dovey, miss you loads cards. When she rings up and says she misses them I've invited her to meet up with DC whenever she wants and she ignores it, so can't miss them that much 🤷‍♀️ Just love them for show, like her son.

Much that it will make you feel a bit better by telling MIL, what is it going to achieve? I have a MIL that takes no interest whatsoever in our relationship, never asks how I am and quite frankly isn’t interested in our problems which are mostly caused by her son. To that end, I don’t have a relationship other than seeing them once a year at Christmas. I think it’s ok to choose your battles and IMO, just let it go. You are already moving on and very soon, your in laws are all going to be in the distant past!

Don't say a word until all the i's are dotted and the ts are crossed. And even then it is probably a good idea to not bother. And I'd sort out who has the dog... if he is controlling, the dog will be used... and when one of you gets another partner it will be odd...

She sounds like a silly old boot who will never believe you, so I wouldn’t bother.

But as he’s moving in with them it might be fun to make a cryptic comment when you visit for dog custody: “Have you found any of DP’s cameras yet? You know he loves to hide them all around the house. Don’t do anything you’d be embarrassed for him to see!” tinkly laugh

Don’t write down anything that he might use to get a heads up in legal proceedings. She’ll realise how much you’ve been subsidising him and what a waste of space he is once you pull the plug.

Thats what I’m clinging onto right now going into my own separation. The nice house, the nice cars, the paying for family meals out, nice presents for his family are all going to dry up, because you can’t afford that when you’re clinging to someone else’s coat tails and they then cut you loose

The pain in those few words is palpable. I'm so sorry, OP. What you've described above is nothing short of a devastating situation.

Sending you warmth and sympathy, but also congratulations and admiration in the same breath. It is not easy to rid yourself of a malign influence like this from your life.

You did it. I sincerely hope you can move on to a better future. My experience is that those closest to the partner will always resent you for leaving: when I left my ex I lost the people who started out as my friends, who squarely sided with him having never spoken to me about the situation. I'd left, therefore I was automatically to blame. Such is life. Win some, lose some, and if that was who they were I'd lost nothing by no longer having them in my life.

It's all better off in the past. You can soon leave it there, move on, regain your confidence and happiness, and live a better, freer future.

Go well, with my sincere good wishes.

i mean you keep the dog and tell him to jog on not give it up

I was going to say let home have the dog to save you from having to see the idiot man ever again, but having read the whole thread I think you should just keep the dog yourself. If he wants to see th dog I can guarantee it's only to spite you

She won’t listen OP. I’ve got a MIL just like that. She’s enabled his behaviour forever. Sorry he’s such a shit 💐

I’ll preface this by saying I have two sons.

I would want to know all of it. One, because I wouldn’t allow one of them to financially screw a woman over at any age without consequences. I genuinely would step in and make it clear that he needs to make his own way in life.

Two, I would want to try and get him some help because that behaviour is completely unacceptable and controlling. Granted it may not work because he’s my son but I would want to try.

I’ve had a gf message me a few truths about my son (nothing that deep as he’s late teens). Most of it was spiteful bullshit, one thing was true and he and I dealt with it. I didn’t like his behaviour (substance issue) but I still love him.

In your situation I wouldn’t disown my son. I would intensely dislike him and be ashamed of him, but without knowing I wouldn’t be able to try and help the you in the situation.

Unfortunately, the signs with this woman aren’t positive. So you probably won’t see any action. But I think you should say your piece, but say it for you because you want it to be very clear what he has done to you.

This. If you keep contact with him you undermine any court case. Your defence will be his profiteering from a coercively controlling relationship. You really have to decide what is more important to you. I take it the dog is in his name and I am sorry. I know it will desperately hurt to leave the dog if that’s what you decide. I understand. I truly do. The only you could perhaps get the dog back is if it can be proven you took care of the dog, paid for food, vets bill etc.

Say nothing. Even if you tell her and she believes you- he is her son and she will be tied to him forever. The most likely result is that she will stop speaking to you rather than have to apologise for his behaviour.

If you say nothing you can keep the relationship in some form.

Is it fair? No.Sadly, in many families that’s how it is. This is why people go NC.

Dog is registered to me with his microchip and the vets. I pay for his insurance, food, everything. So no, he won't be going anywhere

100% agree with this - all “going high” achieves is to let bad behaviour go unchecked.

I’d probably write a Christmas card to both of them just from you - but add effusive and really detailed thanks to FIL for all his help at such a stressful and upsetting time for you. That having his support has meant the world to you. Can’t quite think how you could allude to his son’s awfulness without spelling it out… but do try!

Congratulations on extracting yourself from this horrible situation OP, I hope you have a happy Christmas and that 2023 brings you joy.