AIBU to message ex-MIL and tell her what the real story is?

[TheAbsentGazelle]

So, after years of doing everything around the house; paying for almost everything for the house but never being allowed to change anything; years of barely any support during difficult times (almost losing my job); blatant jealousy during the good times (when I got my promotion); isolating me from my friends; installing cameras around the house to watch my movements; and finally putting a tracker on my car and following me to a work event... I have finally called time on my 13 year relationship.

Things have moved very fast. I insisted the house go on the market as quickly as possible. Its in the final stages of closing now.

I was close to MIL and FIL. FIL has been brilliant. Helping his son get packed up, offering to do various bits to get the house ready for going on the market. His other relatives have reached out to me too saying how sad they are but wishing me all the best, etc.

I hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all until the day the house went on the market and she told me how sad she was to see it online. How sad SHE was?! When I'm the one losing my beautiful house which I paid for?! I didn't reply.

A Christmas card came in the post today, for her "Darling son. Your family will be there to help get you through this".

I'm furious. Her son has brought all this on himself. I imagine he's spun her and the rest of them a pack of lies.

Am I wasting my time if I message her and tell her exactly how her son has treated me for years and how he's continuing to treat me? (He has money belonging to me in his bank account and refusing to give it back) She will take his side regardless of what I tell her, I don't doubt that.

WIBU to tell her just out of spite?

I have, and there's nothing I can do about him getting half of the equity unfortunately.

I have a son myself and if he ever treats a partner the way the OP's has I'll be through him like a dose of salts.

I think you need to cut your loses. Sharing custody of the dog won't work. You need to draw a line under it and tie things up so you don't need any future contact.

I pity her DiL.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions. It's been very helpful.

I'm going to draft a letter to MIL and see how I feel. I won't send it. Tempting as it may be!

A few people have mentioned sharing the dog won't work. No, it won't be easy but giving him up is not an option. He's my baby and the only thing that's kept me going through all this.

I never think that sharing a dog is a good idea. Maybe if there are kids and the dog can go with them between houses, but not if it’s just the pet dog where there are no kids.

It forces you to maintain a relationship which is entirely unnecessary until such time as the dog dies. I would either let him keep it and get a dog of your own, or keep it yourself. I would never agree to share a dog and tbh I think that sharing a dog is pretty much a move to make sure the other person will stay in your life.

Card for her:

Darling MIL. Enjoy your last few days of sanity. Check your car for trackers and don’t forget to smile for your gaslighting, stalking, PoS son’s CCTV cameras! 💐

maybe not, but it does feel good! Maybe write it and chuck it ;-)

All the best to you OP.

I told my MIL because I had nothing else to lose and knew he had spun a load of lies and I wasn't having that.

She apologised, was very nice and I don't feel I've lost any dignity.

Blood is thicker than water and I never expected a reply back at all. I was prepared for a nasty one but got an understanding one. Whatever the outcome I am happy knowing that they know the truth.

My mil would be exactly like this!

thats a shame-next time maybe ringfence te deposit at least

When I left my ex I had to leave my cat too as I couldn’t find a rental that let me have pets and it was hard enough finding the money for a place anyway. He kept the house and the cat and it fucking sucked but I couldn’t have kept contact with him because of her and he wasn’t the total psycho your ex is. Lots of people go through this, it’s shit but one of the many things that’s difficult about ending a relationship.

As it happened I ended up taking her back when I could down the line but at least I hadn’t stayed in regular contact with him when I was trying to recover and heal from the horror show.

He’s much loved I’m sure but he’s not actually a baby and people who have kids and split will tell you sharing contact with them is hard enough and mostly not an option.

God knows what my exhusband told his mother because she came out with some clangers especially when the divorce came through (tamest ones were saying it was my choice, and I’d kicked him out) last message I ever sent her was my divorce certificate showing we were divorced on the grounds of his desertion and the true story of what happened. She blocked me 😂

maybe just tell himt o take you to court over the dog-he hasnt paid for anything to do with it i assume tell him to do one

Who paid for the dog? I’d keep it. Tell him to fuck off. If he’s as much of a cocklodger as I suspect, you’ve paid for food, vets and probably rehoming/purchase fees. Dogs are treated as possessions by the law, I wouldn’t share. Paying for a dog sitter or daycare will be less of a ball ache than having to coordinate with an obstructive Ex

Just move on and live your best life from now on, she’s nothing to you.

OP please don't share custody of your dog with this man.

Assume the money if yours which he's keeping is in payment for the dog and have a clean break from him and this situation.

This isn't reasonable in an acrimonious situation. It's a dog, not a child. He can let it go and get a new pet.

Although it's very therapeutic to get it off your chest, it won't make an iota of difference as their golden son/brother will still come up smelling of roses.

I know a dog is in no way comparable to a child but that animal is literally the only other living thing I have in my life right now.

That man has isolated me from my friends, my family. He's getting half my house, half my savings, most of my furniture and possession. He's taken my self esteem and the best years of my life. Not to mention my fertile years. There's no way he's taking my dog too.

It's been very therapeutic just writing on this thread. Thank you again everyone.

But why would you give it up? He can give up the dog. You surely must realise that you can't take him to court over money he has stolen while sharing custody of a pet with him? Just keep your dog and get rid of the shit-bag partner.

I'm sorry but you sound a bit paranoid here. She's allowed to send a card to her son at his own home. She's also allowed to love him and want to support him.

You're reading WAY too much into the simple act of a mother sending a card to a son who happens to live in the same house as the partner he's splitting from. It would be a lot weirder if she sent it in some way that deliberately hides it, imo.

But whatever, you need to keep your dignity and take the high road. Your FIL is being supportive and helpful, but if you upset his wife, that'll be the end of that.

how is he getting half your savings if you're not married?

Keep the dog - you sound beyond miles the better ‘parent’.

Send a card to fil "thank you for your help and support your always appreciated here"

It’s her son. She has to believe he’s good even if he’s a jerk.