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Original poster

To think he discarded me because I wouldn't allow him to move in

149 replies

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 14:29

...but used a big argument where he gaslit, stonewalled, ignored and currently weeks later, is still giving me the silent treatment as a reason to end things... For context, he has form for this type of comms everytime we had an argument.I'm sick of it now and of him.In his eyes, he is never wrong, doesn't deal with issues, won't apologise so two years in, I'm done with his shit. I had enough stress in my previous marriage and in my day to day life now/ than to be dealing with his nonsense.. Argument was something of nothing but the cycles were becoming more frequent. I am interested in your thoughts though. I have my own home, great job,pension, holidays and some fantastic friends and relationships with family and colleagues. I also have three kids who to his mind are disrespectful,lazy and selfish.Each of them has additional needs but he doesn't see these difficulties as anything but behaviours that take my attention away from him. They could and should be doing more to help me so I am guilty of not being strict enough in some ways.He is an old fashioned parent who believes that children should be seen and not heard.I've really only realised this lately. Having said that, I've kept my relationship largely separate from my kids so we used to see eachother EOW. This man is early fifties, has three kids but only a civil relationship with them, has no home , presently not working due to long term ill health and has no pension or savings. He often asked to stay longer at mine but it rarely suited as my kids were coming back from their Dad's.This irritated him.He used to arrive early , even if I told him I wouldnt be there.He would buy the take away at the weekend or perhaps pay for lunch on one of the days.This was the total of his generosity.We always stayed at mine.He never booked a weekend away or night away for us anywhere. He would love nothing more than to move in with a woman who has her own house, job, money etc etc.My kids annoy him and as I said, there was no way he would have been moving in until they left home as adults.He is currently living with his aging parents. I'm wondering if he has dumped me be and met someone else to move onto, as I could not offer him which he was looking for , and used his big moody strop as an excuse or is that very cycnical of me. Thanks

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:13

yep, he saw you as a meal ticket
thank god that's over eh!

Original poster
bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 17:13

Mortifyingly, that bunch of letters and numbers was a typo ...So sorry but THANK YOU all so much.You've given me so much strength and I feel so empowered now.

OP posts:
Riu · 12/12/2022 17:16

He sounds awful. Lots of people are unwell, it doesn’t mean you are obliged to be in a relationship with them.

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:18

He used to arrive early , even if I told him I wouldnt be there
he was already seeing it as his own home where he can do as he pleases
as I said, there was no way he would have been moving in until they left home as adults
I fear this was a mistake as it implies that he can get his foot in the door followed by feet under the table if he just keeps trying
He is currently living with his aging parents
Be careful, he may make another attempt to breach the ramparts if this falls apart, dont believe him if he tries to bribe his way in, he's a leach & you'll never get rid

Goldpaw · 12/12/2022 17:23

So what if he's dumped you - it's an absolute godsend!

I hope you've now got him blocked on everything so he can't contact you and reel you back in when he's decided it's time.

And if you haven't - do it now, OP. You sound like you might be tempted to let him in again when he comes back with his smooth talking.

Allsnotwell · 12/12/2022 17:24

I would never date a man without a job or own home (independent living) nor would I dare a man who had no friends or hobbies.

These are non negotiable!!

Raise your standards and find some one who lifts you up or drags you down!

Catwoman300 · 12/12/2022 17:27

Your opinion of singledom must be very bad if it is not considered better than being with this person. He doesn't appear to have many redeeming qualities that would add to your life...at all. Do not feel sorry for him. Whatever is wrong with him is not your problem. He has made no concessions for you so let him be. If he seeks you out you've realised you are not compatible and are happier as you are. Future you will thank you ,so much, for this.

pictish · 12/12/2022 17:30

So...he's in poor health, has no money and resents your kids.
I can't understand why you haven't moved him in already, he sounds such a catch.

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 12/12/2022 17:33

He wants to move in but dislikes your kids... you see where that's going there, right? He moves in and quickly demands your kids leave, or else makes them feel very unwelcome and makes you choose between him or them.

Instead if feeling guilt for him, feel guilt for your children. They deserve to not feel like you'll not choose to stay with someone who dislikes them so much.

Twillow · 12/12/2022 17:38

He's 100% done you a favour here. Make it final - tell him you're dating again (even if you have no intention). Mourn what might have been but also maybe celebrate a little escaping from what could have been...

Ittybittytittycomittee · 12/12/2022 18:05

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 14:29

...but used a big argument where he gaslit, stonewalled, ignored and currently weeks later, is still giving me the silent treatment as a reason to end things... For context, he has form for this type of comms everytime we had an argument.I'm sick of it now and of him.In his eyes, he is never wrong, doesn't deal with issues, won't apologise so two years in, I'm done with his shit. I had enough stress in my previous marriage and in my day to day life now/ than to be dealing with his nonsense.. Argument was something of nothing but the cycles were becoming more frequent. I am interested in your thoughts though. I have my own home, great job,pension, holidays and some fantastic friends and relationships with family and colleagues. I also have three kids who to his mind are disrespectful,lazy and selfish.Each of them has additional needs but he doesn't see these difficulties as anything but behaviours that take my attention away from him. They could and should be doing more to help me so I am guilty of not being strict enough in some ways.He is an old fashioned parent who believes that children should be seen and not heard.I've really only realised this lately. Having said that, I've kept my relationship largely separate from my kids so we used to see eachother EOW. This man is early fifties, has three kids but only a civil relationship with them, has no home , presently not working due to long term ill health and has no pension or savings. He often asked to stay longer at mine but it rarely suited as my kids were coming back from their Dad's.This irritated him.He used to arrive early , even if I told him I wouldnt be there.He would buy the take away at the weekend or perhaps pay for lunch on one of the days.This was the total of his generosity.We always stayed at mine.He never booked a weekend away or night away for us anywhere. He would love nothing more than to move in with a woman who has her own house, job, money etc etc.My kids annoy him and as I said, there was no way he would have been moving in until they left home as adults.He is currently living with his aging parents. I'm wondering if he has dumped me be and met someone else to move onto, as I could not offer him which he was looking for , and used his big moody strop as an excuse or is that very cycnical of me. Thanks

I met a guy on holiday years back. We really liked each other and spent lots of time together on holiday. When I got home, about 3 days later he turned up at my flat with a suitcase, to move in! Stupidly at only 21 I allowed it. Gradually things in my home started to go missing. Money went missing form my bank account and he used to take my car and be gone for hours on end, eventually parking tickets and speeding fines landed on my doorstep. One day, after a phone call from his mum, I found out that he was in fact a Heroin addict and was using me as a meal ticket to fund his habit.
Please, and I'm not saying this guy is the same in any way, but I can see red flags all over with him.

dcut · 12/12/2022 18:14

has no home , presently not working due to long term ill health and has no pension or savings

He's a hobosexual. This is classic behaviour.
Basically he needed somewhere to live so he "falls in love" with someone who can provide that. There's usually an accommodation "emergency" which precedes this - such as being given notice to move out of family home, landlord evicting the person, can't afford the rent, whatever. In his case, perhaps the elderly parents need to downsize or one of them needs to go into a home etc and he needs to find somewhere to live.

No man falls in love faster than one who needs somewhere to live (this can be applied to women too before someone comes on here and yells at me - however in this context we are talking about a man).

I'm glad you stood your ground and didn't let him move in - because many hobosexuals turn into cocklodgers pretty soon after moving in - and he sounds like he's a prime cocklodging candidate - doesn't work (in his case due to ill health so that can't be helped) and doesn't have pensions or savings so he's going to be up shit creek in a few years time isn't he.

You're well rid. Get him blocked on everything before he tries to worm his way back in.

daisy46 · 12/12/2022 18:14

You are the winner in this situation. Merry Christmas! And don't let him come back when he decides to "forgive you" and try again after Christmas.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/12/2022 18:26

It sounds like you are someone who is caring and understanding.
Sounds like he's got the measure of you and its taking full advantage
You're his nurse with a purse meal ticket.
Your kids are the flies in his nice little ointment.
Run, run for the hills and don't look back.

mach2 · 12/12/2022 18:34

This man is early fifties, has three kids but only a civil relationship with them, has no home , presently not working due to long term ill health and has no pension or savings.

Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

Original poster
bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 19:22

He kept giving me unsolicited advice about my kids, despite having a bad relationship with his own.He used to come round and go straight to my room to rest and watch tv until kids were gone to their Dad's...very little interest or interaction in the kids because they were not robots.This only crept in in the last few months.I started to walk on eggshells as he was becoming bossy eg talking through a movie IN MY OWN HOME...... I saw the light but battled with his illness which rendered him tired and depressed and yes, I felt sorry for him. Then I went out with friends a couple of nights.He insisted on dropping and collecting me but in a way that appeared kind and generous.He got paranoid that I was on my phone too much and hding the incoming callers.Posters, I really was not.Finally he reminded me in a joking way, that I had been out a couple of weekends in a row.... I had enough then so we rowed and he got angry and has ignored and given me the silent treatment since.

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 12/12/2022 19:28

He'll come up with a host of reasons about how he's "protecting you" and make you out to be the unreasonable one bennyfromthebloc. He's manipulated you repeatedly.
No matter how ill he claims to be, your children do not deserve to share any part of their lives with this man. They are where your emotional support should be - not with him.
Harden your heart, put you and your children first and block him. Pack up any of his things and leave them by the door. Change the locks if you think he's got a key and go grey rock. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Good luck.

Original poster
bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 19:39

I wanted to come back and say that I have blocked him on every single platform so there is no way he can contact me whatsoever.I suspect he is either reeling in anger or has moved on to his next person.Possibly an old flame.He kept a couple of them on social media despite me saying how inapproprite it was to me.Again, I didnt realise this until recently.Gosh, theres no fool like an old fool...... Still, ,I cant imagine anyone seeking a long term relationship would jump at a date with him.It has been only in the last year that he has been unwell and has moved back to his folks due to a rental crisis in our city. Prior to that he had his own renatl, a good job amd good health, although he did promise me the worl when we met.It was wonderful then.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/12/2022 19:42

Oh, his story will be that he caught you fucking somebody else, by the way.

It couldn't possibly be that he's the problem, it'll have to be because you're getting cock from someone you're 'having an affair with'.

And there could well be a few 'could we meet up for a coffee? I think we should have some closure', 'just wanted to say goodbye and whatever happens to me now, it's not your fault' (breadcrumbing self harm) messages. Ignore them.

Name99 · 12/12/2022 19:43

Isn't it lonely when the trash takes itself out

Name99 · 12/12/2022 19:43

*lovely

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2022 20:01

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 19:39

I wanted to come back and say that I have blocked him on every single platform so there is no way he can contact me whatsoever.I suspect he is either reeling in anger or has moved on to his next person.Possibly an old flame.He kept a couple of them on social media despite me saying how inapproprite it was to me.Again, I didnt realise this until recently.Gosh, theres no fool like an old fool...... Still, ,I cant imagine anyone seeking a long term relationship would jump at a date with him.It has been only in the last year that he has been unwell and has moved back to his folks due to a rental crisis in our city. Prior to that he had his own renatl, a good job amd good health, although he did promise me the worl when we met.It was wonderful then.

Wonderful, you've blocked him! Now for the next few days or so let 'unknown' calls go to voicemail.

And do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

Original poster
bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 20:30

He has never taken responsibility for any problems so I suspect he will blame me, yes......'She left me becaue I got sick and got sick and lost my rental...' He knows Ive a major issue with infidelity so I doubt he will say that, although who knows .

OP posts:
theduckinatree · 12/12/2022 20:52

So satisfying when the trash takes itself out. Stay strong OP, he's an utterly vile waste of space. Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

Original poster
bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 21:19

Im not so muchworried about our relationship being over but what he will say about me.I have been such a good partner but I fear that he will speak badly about me like calling me a slut or whatver.He spoke so badly about his exes.They were controlling, abusive, nasty, violent.He was scared of them.. the list goes on.None of it true when I did some investigating.He said his ex slapped him, said he slapped her.I know this because when all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit,I contacted her and she was so lovely and so thrilled that I was free of him.During his ill health, when he was not compus mentis, he text her and while he did tell her we were together and happy, he suggested they meet for a coffee sometime if in the same city...

OP posts: