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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he discarded me because I wouldn't allow him to move in

149 replies

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 14:29

...but used a big argument where he gaslit, stonewalled, ignored and currently weeks later, is still giving me the silent treatment as a reason to end things... For context, he has form for this type of comms everytime we had an argument.I'm sick of it now and of him.In his eyes, he is never wrong, doesn't deal with issues, won't apologise so two years in, I'm done with his shit. I had enough stress in my previous marriage and in my day to day life now/ than to be dealing with his nonsense.. Argument was something of nothing but the cycles were becoming more frequent. I am interested in your thoughts though. I have my own home, great job,pension, holidays and some fantastic friends and relationships with family and colleagues. I also have three kids who to his mind are disrespectful,lazy and selfish.Each of them has additional needs but he doesn't see these difficulties as anything but behaviours that take my attention away from him. They could and should be doing more to help me so I am guilty of not being strict enough in some ways.He is an old fashioned parent who believes that children should be seen and not heard.I've really only realised this lately. Having said that, I've kept my relationship largely separate from my kids so we used to see eachother EOW. This man is early fifties, has three kids but only a civil relationship with them, has no home , presently not working due to long term ill health and has no pension or savings. He often asked to stay longer at mine but it rarely suited as my kids were coming back from their Dad's.This irritated him.He used to arrive early , even if I told him I wouldnt be there.He would buy the take away at the weekend or perhaps pay for lunch on one of the days.This was the total of his generosity.We always stayed at mine.He never booked a weekend away or night away for us anywhere. He would love nothing more than to move in with a woman who has her own house, job, money etc etc.My kids annoy him and as I said, there was no way he would have been moving in until they left home as adults.He is currently living with his aging parents. I'm wondering if he has dumped me be and met someone else to move onto, as I could not offer him which he was looking for , and used his big moody strop as an excuse or is that very cycnical of me. Thanks

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 12/12/2022 16:23

I’m just amazed you tolerated this behavior for so long, finish with him and get your life back, you were doing him a favour and all you get is hassle, sod that.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2022 16:25

Block him from all comms right now, whilst he's giving you the silent treatment. Yes, I know that's 'ghosting', but sometimes needs must. People like him can be extremely manipulative and often unbelievably contrite and 'charming' when they see their victim is slipping away. Men like that should be radio-collared so women can 'track and avoid' like Grizzly Bears, and tattooed "cocklodger supreme" across their foreheads.

He wasn't only looking for financial security, a roof, and a housekeeper, but since he's in 'ill health' he was obvs looking for a carer too! You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a rocket propelled grenade!!!

sentientpuddle · 12/12/2022 16:26

HE discarded YOU?

PrinceHaz · 12/12/2022 16:26

He sounds utterly repugnant. Get rid today.

gamerchick · 12/12/2022 16:28

So the fuck what I'd he's unwell. Do you want to be his carer?
Send him a message telling him you don't want to see him again then block.

Gather up his bits at yours ready in a bag next to the front door when he panics and comes round. Give him the bag and if he doesn't leave, call the police.

He's a waste and will add nowt to your life.

PhoenixReincarnated · 12/12/2022 16:32

You've wasted two years of your life on him. Don't waste another second. Bag up any stuff of his and dump it on the front doorstep of his parents if you know where they live. Then block him on all forms of communication.

Nevermind31 · 12/12/2022 16:32

Congratulate yourself that you don’t have to end things with him. Block his number and move on.
sounds like he doesn’t add anything to your life - so why keep him around?

sweetgingercat · 12/12/2022 16:36

OMG why would you want to be with this cock lodger who will obviously fuck with your kids upbringing?

Redbone · 12/12/2022 16:43

Wow absolutely a potential cocklodger. Please, please, please do not let him guilt trip you. I had a friend in a similar situation to you who let him move in and then spent the next ten years trying to get him out!

TeaAndTattoos · 12/12/2022 16:44

I would forget about him sounds like the rubbish has taken its self out. What does ZGF5 mean?

DrManhattan · 12/12/2022 16:47

Why are you even arsed? Bin him off

TheShellBeach · 12/12/2022 16:49

TeaAndTattoos · 12/12/2022 16:44

I would forget about him sounds like the rubbish has taken its self out. What does ZGF5 mean?

I wondered that, too. Come on, OP. Tell us what ZFG5 means.

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 16:50

What is ZGF5s please?

not sure how you ended up dating him but it sounds like you're spared the hassle of ending it, which is good. He sounds horrible.

Bard6817 · 12/12/2022 16:53

As a guy - he’s giving me red flags. get out now.

TeaAndTattoos · 12/12/2022 16:54

@TheShellBeach I searched google to see if I could figure it out but not even google knows what I’m talking about. Watch now the OP will come back and it will be something really obvious.

chevvyroo · 12/12/2022 16:54

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 14:45

Take advantage of this silent treatment, and join in and make it permanent.

This. ENJOY it!

darkwinterdays · 12/12/2022 16:55

He was an aspiring cocklodger who left because he could not find a way into your home and get his feet under the table. Once in he would halve been impossible to budge.

Lucky escape, you have definitely dodged a bullet there.

Bollindger · 12/12/2022 16:55

He really does think that your going to OBEY him. This him punishing you for saying , wait no.
He must think he was a Chipendale for the way he was treating you.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 16:57

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 14:34

Guilt would not allow me to finish it.He is long term unwell.

Then the only advice you need is THIS OP -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Everything you wrote in your initial post is spot-on, clearheaded & accurate.
He is clearly a wannabee cocklodger, & the only mistake you made was in allowing him to manipulate him for too long. Of course he's on the lookout for his next meal ticket. He probably won;t let you go easily though, as it;s far easier to guilt-trip you that train up a new opportunity.

Note also his territorial & ignorant attitude toward your DC.
If you'd let him move in on you, he'd soon be abusing them & upsetting you with a "man of the house" act. Using them to punish & control you with. Any adult who cannot handle your kids because they feel entitled to be first in the queue for you attention is an adult who needs to never be around your kids, & dumped pronto.

skyeisthelimit · 12/12/2022 16:58

It really doesn't matter why as you are much better off without him.

He wanted a woman to cook, clean, provide the money, put him first, treat children like you live in Victorian times (although I do agree that parents should rule and not the kids and they should always help out etc, but seen and not heard is a bit extreme).

You will be better off all round, including financially.

MyKidsAreKnobsInDecember · 12/12/2022 17:01

dottiedodah · 12/12/2022 15:31

Just wondering who the 6% who thought you were unreasonable were! Gosh you are well rid .He sounds like a loser .Just move on

She's been unreasonable to tolerate his shit for as long as she has and she's unreasonable to consider taking him back, even for a moment.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 17:01

bennyfromthebloc · 12/12/2022 14:40

You are right.It really doesnt matter why he pulled this massive strop and has gone for weeks with his silent treatment but sometimes, when you're in a fog, I find it helpful to get objective opinions from people who dont know me so I will make sure never to get lumped in that situation again.

Here you go OP -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

This is what will most help you recognise & avoid similar in future - you can take this course online now, for just a few quid -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Learn about your ex here, & how to 'pattern-spot' red flags in future -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

& when you feel ready to start dating again -
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You're doing great, btw.
Well done for sticking to your guns.
Keep this loser AWAY from yourself & your DC. Flowers

Poppyblush · 12/12/2022 17:01

Block and move on! Have a merry Christmas now!

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 12/12/2022 17:02

I believe that your instincts are entirely correct and you're well rid of him. Do not give him the time of day.

Seeingadistance · 12/12/2022 17:10

TheShellBeach · 12/12/2022 14:47

What is a ZGF5?

That's what I was wondering.

Obviously, the OP should ditch the waste of space, but yeah, what is a ZGF5?