AIBU to think I'm unemployable? Or am I just difficult?

[anerki101]

I have one child in their first year of primary school. DS enjoys school but it's a struggle to get him there. I have posted previously about his various issues. We suspect he may have autism and the school have been observing him. They are going to set up a meeting with me after the Christmas holidays.

I have long suspected that I'm also neurodiverse and DS is almost exactly as I was at that age. I also take medication for generalised anxiety and health anxiety.

I have a DH who works 8am until 5:30pm five days a week and 1 in 3 Saturdays too.

I do the school runs. 840am drop off and 3pm pick up.

I have no family help for school runs or school holidays. The school has a breakfast club but no after school club.

So essentially my work options are 930 - 2pm roughly depending on distance from school, term time only.

I'm well aware plenty of parents work around primary aged DC but for the life of me, I cannot see a way to make it work.

The first job I considered was TA. But all the jobs I've looked at, even they finish at 3:30 but I have to pick DS up at 3. No afterschool Club and I cannot afford to pay for childcare.

I can't afford to okay for holidays clubs in the school holidays and with DS various needs, I really don't think it would be a good idea anyway.

So what am I supposed to do? We desperately need another income. I'm currently at uni and contribute my student maintenance loan to the household Pot but its not enough. My degree also isn't one that will lead directly to a career. I'd be a graduate so there would be more job options but not a direct career path. And those more job options are likely to be unworkable due to DS anyway.

Am I being deliberately difficult here or are there really no answers?

I will add I did have an evening job but DS really struggled with not seeing me all day whilst at school and then not seeing me at all in the evenings.

Sorry for the length.

Have you applied for dla for your son (you can without diagnosis)?
I worked with three children (two attended sen schools with diagnosis of autism) I worked full time in a school and found being honest about the situation meant they would adapt my timetable.
Can you check the website for local teaching/ in school jobs?
I know it may seem insurmountable but it's not and I would echo (although you have ignored it) that your child has two parents and he needs to do his share. Your DS may prefer you around but it gives your 'H' an excuse to not parent. Why is that ok for any of you?
He can't expect you to deliver the goods with no input...

Telephone market research interviewer? Flexible hours and you could work in the evenings when dad’s around to look after the wee one?

Why does DS need to be in bed? Surely anytime after DH is home from work would be an option?

It sounds like the only full-time job you are genuinely willing to consider is school based, i.e. TA, which would also allow you to be at home in the holidays.
As others have said, it is possible to do care work in the community between 9am-2.30pm, you would also have the option of working alternate weekends doing similar hours, provided your husband was available to look after your son.
It is doable, if you are willing to compromise a little.

I'm flabbergasted on the degree choice. So many options in STEM, business and finance... which would lead more directly to a well paid and flexible career path!

Anyway. Cleaning sounds a good start because you have experience already and it will be flexible around the hours you are available.

McDonalds and KFC have ad campaigns running on how flexible they are for single parents, no idea how true it is.

When DC is into Y1 you might find he develops and is much more able to enjoy holiday clubs/after school clubs.

NB. There will be after school provision in your area, usually the schools don't run these so you will have to ask a number of people before you discover the secret of who to contact!!!!

So you’re a full time student with a young child and a DH that works lots. You also have high outgoings. Something has to change, a job isn’t going to solve everything for you because it sounds like you just physically don’t have the time to work the hours you need to. Either cut down on outgoings or see if you can switch to a part time course. Really the only thing that’s going to work for you otherwise is something very flexible and very well paid but you aren’t at that stage in your life yet.

I don't think you're necessarily being difficult. If people are offering suggestions that don't work for you and your family, then they don't work. It's not your fault.
It's a weird Mumsnet thing that if someone makes a bad suggestion because they don't understand the realities of someone else's life, it's somehow your fault for being different.

NT people with NT children often just don't get it. Your situation is difficult, that's not that same as you being difficult.

Thanks for the advice. I will just add on the degree choice, writing really is all I'm good at. I'm terrible with numbers and science based subjects. Took me three times to scrape a C on my maths GCSE.

You're definitely being difficult

My pal had a baby around the same time as me. I went back to work, she didn't. The kids are 10 now and she's never worked in all those years. She's virtually unemployable now as she has had a nap for 3 or more hours a day since her dc started school and will not do without it

Her poor dh shoulders all of the financial burden (and isn't a high earner) their house is dropping to bits and she constantly wishes they had a new bed, floor, car etc

Even if your DC is NT, it’s ok to want to spend time with him. It sounds like the course needs to be scaled back while you focus on earnings and family time, you’ll burn out otherwise.

I think some posters are being critical but they haven’t appreciated you’re also a full time student.

To be honest, it's not easy for anyone. I'm sure all working parents have days when they would love to jack in their jobs. But most of us need to make ends meet so crack on with it.

Most women in my family/friendship circle who have been in your position have picked up evening supermarket work. They leave for work when their partner's get in and come home later at night. My auntie worked for Tesco for 20+ years doing that shift pattern.

It is entirely possible, if you can be bothered.

Not really sure this is a comparable situation. I have been employed since I was 17. I quite my part time cleaning job at the end of October because it was fucking horrendous. So I've been unemployed for the first time in my life for just over a month. I'm not work shy. I went back to work when DS was 9 months old and I've been in some form of employment ever since. I don't nap in the day. I attend University full time, do 90% housework, prep dinners, get the shopping, study and up until a month ago I also worked in the evenings too.

But a full time student in a degree that leads absolutely nowhere. It's purely self-indulgent, it doesn't in any way increase her earning potential or lead to a career, it's basically just a very expensive hobby. For someone struggling financially, it's a very poor choice.

But you still won't answer where your dp is in all of this ?

I agree with everything @Azandme said

I felt like this a couple of years ago. Like with two kids who seem to be always being sent home with temperatures I didn't know how I was actually supposed to make it work.

I actually couldn't get my head around it to the point I set up my own business. My kids can come to work with me

Could you be a brow/ lash technician/ cleaner / home help? Something where you can set your own diary.

And this -- for all the posters who think I don't want to work, can't be bothered or I'm lazy. And all of the above was done during some really difficult personal situations including a miscarriage, a cancer scare and diagnosis of anxiety, medication prescribed and several rounds of CBT. And looking after a ND four year old and step parenting 4 kids but OK, I can't be bothered.

I done think you're being difficult, about 5 years ago I was scratching my head how to work with school hours. I decided to work out what I was good at and went self employed in that skill.

People are always looking for cleaners OP, you could find work there very quickly I'm sure. Also, I had cause to look for private carers for mum and they mostly seem to charge £20 per hour privately.

Can you clarify why your Dh can’t do bed times?

Look at Exam Invigilator roles at your local secondary school. Internal exams go on throughout the whole school year, obviously busier in May & Jun.

Dh is working 45+ hours a week in a skilled but inflexible job as the sole breadwinner who also helps out and pulls his weight when he is around.

He can. We do bed times together. DH changes DS, brushes his teeth and then I go in and read him a story and kiss him goodnight. I just quit an evening job that meant I missed bedtimes because ND DS really wasn't coping and the job was utterly terrible.

I think there are a few issues:

1. your DH isn’t stepping up and he should. Working doesn’t mean you don’t parent your children.
2. You have very limited working hours
3. You don’t have much in the way of training.

You need to address them all but I would start looking at some school jobs - particularly independent schools if there are any nearby.

Also, whilst lunchtime supervision isn’t perfect it’s often a way in and opens up opportunities in the office and classroom.

I honestly get it - have have two children with ASD and juggling everything is hard even with a functional DH and family support.

A 25hr week admin role with flexible working would be what I was looking for in your shoes.