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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter embarrassed by sexual gesture at work

132 replies

G00d0mens · 11/12/2022 14:22

I’m posting as I’m unsure if I have unrealistic expectations of society in general or if I am actually being unreasonable. Mumsnet has been a great help in the past.

Last night I got a text from my daughter to say that she felt very humiliated and wanted to come home (she works in our local pub).

She was shaking a cocktail and saw a manager make a juggling gesture with his hands (clearly a boob related gesture) to some customers who said « Don’t stop » when she stopped. She is a young 18 and has since said she felt very ashamed and angry after what had happened.

I did go down but she was talking to the boss and trying to sort it out and wanted to see out her shift. She was keen to know what actions would be taken as a result. For context, she is on a zero hour contract and worried about losing her job, which she loves in general.

She has gone in today but has said that it isn’t going well. I feel torn as I want to do what she wants but also can’t forget that when I was her age similar had happened to me. Probably to a lot of us? I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone (thought I would be blamed).

I thought she could take out a grievance if nothing is sorted but wondered as well -AIBU - she works behind a bar and this is to be expected? How sad if it is - I thought we were better as a society.

Advice please - she doesn’t want to lose her job but is also quite upset.

Thanking you all in advance.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 11/12/2022 14:25

He sounds awful. I hope there is a good outcome.

mamabear715 · 11/12/2022 14:26

Umm, I can see what you / your DD mean, & it shouldn't happen these days, but it does.. I might get flamed but I'd be telling her to just move on.. if it was an undertakers, it might be different, but a pub..

catgirl1976 · 11/12/2022 14:26

Is it an independent pub or a chain that has a HR department? If the latter she should speak to HR. If the former I think a written grievance to the boss clearly setting out their obligations to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace and to provide a safe working environment.

i think she needs to be prepared to get a new job if it’s an independent with an unhelpful owner sadly. She’s not worked long enough to claim unfair dismissal but she can make a claim for sex discrimination. Not suggesting she will want to go this route. It she could make it very clear what her tights are in a letter of complaint

Original poster
G00d0mens · 11/12/2022 14:27

Hi
It’s a well known national pub chain if that helps.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 11/12/2022 14:28

In that case they will have an HR department and she should speak to them and ask about a formal grievance

catgirl1976 · 11/12/2022 14:29

This maybe helpful landaulaw.co.uk/sexual-harassment-at-work/

Original poster
G00d0mens · 11/12/2022 14:29

Thank you - we will try and sort on Monday. For context, it was mainly middle aged blokes who were involved in this. Old enough to know better if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 11/12/2022 14:31

The manager should be pulled up on this - it's disgraceful behaviour. You can't control what customers do and say but he should know better.

catgirl1976 · 11/12/2022 14:31

the employer has a duty to prevent that and her length of service isn’t overly relevant so get on to HR and hopefully they will take this very seriously

i work in HR and we would take it very seriously so I am sure they will too.

Waitingforsomethingtostart · 11/12/2022 14:32

This was from a manager? - I don't care if it is a pub, it's not on and shows the environment she is working in is not good. It doesn't matter that she is 18 - no one should be subject to this in their work environment by colleagues or management, and customers (harder to foresee and control) should get given a short shrift when it happens.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2022 14:33

Definitely tell her to call HR if she doesn't feel there's been a suitable resolution

Over40Overdating · 11/12/2022 14:33

G00d0mens · 11/12/2022 14:29

Thank you - we will try and sort on Monday. For context, it was mainly middle aged blokes who were involved in this. Old enough to know better if you see what I mean.

Sadly it’s the ones who should know better who are the worst perpetrators because they know they will get away with it through shame or complacency - as evidenced by a post saying your daughter should just move on.

If it’s the chain I think it is, Head Office will take it seriously as they have had a lot of negative press about their working environment and are going out of their way to address all issues head on.

CookPassBabtridge · 11/12/2022 14:37

Ewwww this is disgusting. Definitely report it.. men like this need constant reminders it's not okay. Thick fuckers.

Sapphire387 · 11/12/2022 14:49

If you're writing a grievance, you can reference the Equality Act 2010 (Google it - it covers sexual harassment). And the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974 - employers are required to maintain a safe environment- and this includes mental health. I work for a trade union. Sadly, I hear this kind of shit all the time.

YellowTreeHouse · 11/12/2022 14:54

This is something she has to handle herself with her employers.

You can’t “go down there” to try and sort it out and you couldn’t even if she were under 18. They are not your employers, they are hers, so they are under no obligation to discuss anything with you at all.

Original poster
G00d0mens · 11/12/2022 14:57

No, they don’t. But if your daughter calls you and asks for your help, then you go.

OP posts:
Bettyboop3 · 11/12/2022 15:02

mamabear715 · 11/12/2022 14:26

Umm, I can see what you / your DD mean, & it shouldn't happen these days, but it does.. I might get flamed but I'd be telling her to just move on.. if it was an undertakers, it might be different, but a pub..

& it will continue to happen if people don't speak up & call others out on it rather than just accepting this type of behaviour!

WonderingWanda · 11/12/2022 15:09

It's sexual harassment and she should not have to tolerate it. See the link.

www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

PinkPanther50 · 11/12/2022 15:09

Tell her to leave. If the manager doesn’t have the backs of female staff in a drinking environment then he’s not a manager. If she doesn’t want to put in a complaint then using your local ‘Spotted’ page on fb tends to get the word out well! There are plenty of decent managers out there and hospitality are crying out for staff. Give her the support to be able to stand up for herself and not take this shit!

SequinShagger · 11/12/2022 15:10

YellowTreeHouse · 11/12/2022 14:54

This is something she has to handle herself with her employers.

You can’t “go down there” to try and sort it out and you couldn’t even if she were under 18. They are not your employers, they are hers, so they are under no obligation to discuss anything with you at all.

Agree

Clymene · 11/12/2022 15:13

mamabear715 · 11/12/2022 14:26

Umm, I can see what you / your DD mean, & it shouldn't happen these days, but it does.. I might get flamed but I'd be telling her to just move on.. if it was an undertakers, it might be different, but a pub..

It's sexual harassment

blubberyboo · 11/12/2022 15:16

@mamabear715

well yea you will get flames for your comment because

a) the same laws apply to pubs as undertakers when it comes to sexual harassment

b) this was a manager so it is not acceptable

c) the customer could have been asked to leave

OP your daughter needs to put the whole story in writing to HR and describe what she felt. They would be hard pushed to sack her with the record but even if they did I’d want her to work somewhere else. If she does nothing she will be forever cross with herself

Branster · 11/12/2022 15:16

YellowTreeHouse · 11/12/2022 14:54

This is something she has to handle herself with her employers.

You can’t “go down there” to try and sort it out and you couldn’t even if she were under 18. They are not your employers, they are hers, so they are under no obligation to discuss anything with you at all.

I don't know, if that was my 18 year old self, I'd want my mum to assist for moral support whilst I do the talking. I'd probably want my dad there too to show the middle aged manager that other middle aged men don't stand for this sort of behaviour.

Ihavekids · 11/12/2022 15:17

She should have just told him to stop being a pathetic, creepy old pervert. Embarrassed and shamed him, right at the time.

mamabear715 · 11/12/2022 15:17

Well, no flaming (thanks ladies) time has moved on since I was working. It was so common then. The area manager 'squeezing' behind me, etc.. ugh! It always seemed like just a rite of passage, & in a pub type job, I'd assumed it would be easy to hire & fire..