To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

I think a meeting sounds a bit like extreme but I kind of get it, me and DH are terrible for not telling eachother when we are going food shopping so we end of with either no dinner planned, or more milk than we need 😂

@Rendezvousinthelounge again can you not get a cleaner or you don’t want to? If he has been like this for six years then it’s unlikely to change now. It sounds like you want to keep your family together so you can either pray that today is the day six years later that he finally gets it (while you send yourself round the bend with frustration) or you minimise what you have to do by outsourcing those tasks you can. There is literally no incentive for him to change anything at minute, despite your dissatisfaction being quite evident he has done nothing about it.

I can’t afford a cleaner. Not everyone can, @Eyerollcentral 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s not simply a case of, either I will or I don’t want to.

Not you though, the both of you. You can’t afford two hours a week or even every other week? It wouldn’t be any more than that for two adults and a baby. If money is an issue is that why you are at home a lot at the weekends?

@Eyerollcentral You’re absolutely right. If somebody can’t afford a cleaner, they don’t have a pot to piss in and should work at the weekends. Are you for real?

I’ve never had a cleaner either except when forced to, ie being evicted and my tenancy agreement says I have to pay for a “professional level clean.” (which means if you have no invoice to show when you hand in the keys, they get a very expensive professional cleaner and take the cost off your deposit).

I couldn’t afford one now that’s for sure. MN is very middle class in their solutions usually involve throwing money at the problem.

Working on communication is free and can work.

We have a shared calendar on our phones for any appointments etc. other than that it tends to be general chats like “anything in particular you want todo today? I was hoping to ….” But not a set meeting! That sounds a bit too formal. I thought that was just normal communication for people who live together and share responsibilities.

If you're the one doing the skivvy work while he's out chucking sticks for the dog on the beach, then maybe preempt him one fine weekend. You can come home and wash your own clothes and DD's. Leave his to him to sort out. At dinnertime, ask him what he's planned.

I don't think this is a failure of communication. I think your husband has realized that if he plants himself on the couch all weekend, you'll do everything that needs to be done, and youll carry the mental load of getting it all prganised, getting DD ready for a party or an outing, etc.

He can choose his moment to grab the dog and escape for a few hours of scrolling his phone while the dog runs around on the beach.

You've already seen the pushback against your efforts to get him to do his fair share. He knows you're not happy that he basically lets you get on with family work all weekend but he's going to fight to establish a privilege for himself here.

He doesn't need a daily meeting.

He needs a bollocking and to be told you're partners here, not mummy and teenage son.

@Rendezvousinthelounge you’ve completely taken me up wrong there. I was making the point it would be the both of you paying for any service. If you don’t have it you don’t have it. I haven’t said anything about you working at the weekends. You said you don’t really end up doing anything at the weekends. That’s why I asked if money was the reason, because that explains things more. You haven’t mentioned money before this. There is absolutely no need to jump down my throat

You have rejected every single suggestion any one has given you. It’s difficult to understand what you want from this tbh

You need a joint family diary - just use Google or something then you can see all of the big events on your phone

I've never had a family meeting in my life and I'm 37. What do you do at a family meeting!?!

I think a meeting is a bit much to ask but how about a pair of small whiteboards each showing Sunday to Saturday and a "This week" "Next week" label so that both of you can write on stuff that you each need to know about and can both maintain an awareness of where there might be gaps or strains. if he is expecting you to do all the emotional labour of keeping track of all these things letting him toddle along in blissful ignorance unless you are actively instructing him that his help is needed, then that's crap systematic subconscious misogyny and he needs to be called out on it.

I am tempted to ‘leave the house to go to shit to make a point’ but I don’t think that would be fair on toddler DD to live in a pig sty and for there to be inadequate food etc. If he cooked (I cook, he washes up, he does that without fail), she would have fish fingers and baked beans every evening. Things would tick over but nothing done to a high standard or planned in advance for efficiency, if that makes sense.

Why did you settle for someone like this? What’s the appeal? He can’t look after himself, his child or house like a grown man. And he can’t have a normal conversation about plans for the day like an adult either. Is he a lot younger than you? I take it he must be great in the sack.

before having a teatime freak out that nothing has been done, we have no food, the house is a tip etc

sit back and let this happen, then ask what he is planning on eating for tea and wearing on Monday?

stop organising and being his "hitler" as he puts it

Go out and leave him to it with cbbc and as you leave shout oh there is a party this afternoon and you'll need to get a present etc

Let him organise stuff

Whether you want to or not, sooner or later OP you will realise that you're just not compatible and eventually you will have enough headspace to realise that the minimising of his behaviour (as demonstrated here when shown how awful his behaviour actually is by a bunch of strangers) is unhelpful and stressful for you.

You said yourself. He pleases himself.

If he wanted to, he would. Understand that.

There's a huge chance that he won't change , and that your life with him will consist of you doing and him avoiding.

@Rendezvousinthelounge you may have to make a choice if this is the case.

@BeanieTeen because he works hard, he’s funny, loyal to me, does every nursery run, every weekday dog walk at lunchtime, is very knowledgable and interesting to talk to, has an interesting job which he is committed to (a ‘helping people’ type job), does all the bins because I refuse to do it, buys me thoughtful and generous gifts and enjoys the same holidays/treats as I do. Oh and the sack thing as well.

Seems a bit official to make a meeting out of it. Don’t you just talk to each other?
We have a small whiteboard in the kitchen that we write ‘to do’ things on, and tasks and also work reminders if the other admin bits. Really helps us not to forget things. That might help?

Shopping for bits is easy we have a pad in the kitchen, everyone writes on it. The list is then used by either of us to do a bit of shopping. Appointments/parties/kids lifts go on the phone calendar no way to forget then. Cleaning split the chores, no-one sits down till it's done.

The cheapest list pads I find on eBay. We buy in bulk

Dh and I used to be a bit like this, but it's much better now. Partly due to a more regular routine and partly due to recognising what's important to the other person.

I value organisation & planning, DH values keeping his weekends as chore-free as possible. So we've now set up a routine where we do nearly all chores on weekday evenings. Weekly shop gets done Monday night while the other person cleans. If we realise on Friday we're short of something, one of us stops off at the supermarket on the way home, no need to make a special trip. We're both much happier. Stuff gets done and we actually have most of our weekend to spend as we want, rather than filling the day with chores that neither of us wat to do.

I can massively sympathise, @Rendezvousinthelounge . People have suggested the shared calendar thing to me before but it relies on him using it, and I know he just won’t.

Essentially I have sleepwalked into a situation where I do pretty much all household and childcare tasks and it is exhausting.

How does he avoid having the chat? Don’t you just have it anyway, over a cuppa?

I will continue to insist upon these ‘chats’ until it becomes normal

@Rendezvousinthelounge Can you insist? Sounds like, the more you try to nail him down, the more he resists

Perhaps better to play him at his own game. And if your DD is still in pyjamas when MIL arrives, so be it. And if you eat frozen pizza every day for a week because there' no other food in the house, so be it

Or, agree to divide chores, do yours, and DON'T step in to plug the gaps if / when he doesn't do his share. Bonus points if his chores are things that can't be ignored for ever eg emptying dishwasher, kitchen bin, laundry etc

Most families dot use daily meetings for this type of stuff as it usually just becomes daily routine. However if you felt that’s what’s needed give it a go - although I can’t imaigine it will last - sounds like you all just generally need to communicate better