To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

Do you not chat throughout the week about what’s going on at the weekend? So we usually do one day out with the DCs somewhere (for a walk etc) and one day in to get the housework sorted. In the evenings during the week we will usually plan where to go that weekend or I will say if I’m planning on taking the DCs to my parents on one of the days, DH will say if the in-laws are coming round. Stuff like needing to pick stuff up from the shops one of us will just say to the other that we need stuff, we don’t need a specific time to arrange things. We just do when we talk to each other.

@RabbitTastic Leave him to sort out the teens, their and his meals and their and his laundry.
Feel your shoulders relax.
Not your business...not your problem.

Shared iPhone calendar

If it isn't in the calendar then it doesn't happen in this house

DH and I both WFH but with the need to attend sites/do school runs so it's a must here

DH found it hard to adhere to at the start but the one time he forgot to log an ad hoc event for his hobby and wasn't able to go, he soon sorted himself out

why cant you leave thats not a life

Rather than a labelled "meeting", surely just a quick convo to say what are you up to today, I'll do this, you do that. Isn't that just normal communication in a household?

It sounds very organisational to call it a meeting, but from your subsequent posts I can hear your resentment at being treated as a default.

In my house, we check what we each have on in the morning but it’s more in the spirit of taking an interest in each other’s lives iyswim. Once a week I update my diary and ask what he’s got on so I can plan around that.

Responsibilities get passed about in the context of the pressures we fall under - we both try and pick up the slack for the other.

I’m not discounting the possibility that your dh is just taking the piss, and if that’s the case ignore me. But it’s also easy to get into a dynamic where you both resent the other because you’ve stopped communicating and don’t understand each other’s pressures. I don’t think “meetings” to discuss and distribute chores will fix that because it’s subtly adversarial. You need to connect as two people with cuppas and chats and figure out how to be in the same boat.

Right, so MIL is providing free childcare essentially? Be straight with your idiot partner.

"She is doing us a favour - the 'price' is you get DD dressed and ready, get her over there for the agreed time and chat politely with her for a few minutes. Or you can pay £50 for a babysitter next time? Oh and pick up the cheap dog food on the way home."

drop DD at MIL’s after lunch for a couple of hours
go to a certain shop to pick up dog food
go to another as we need to buy a birthday present and some stocking fillers for DD
our online shop was missing a few things so need to drop into the supermarket for replacements

I'd leave him to do that whilst I took the dog out!

If he's busy he needs to tell him mum & get off.

"Stuck talking to his mum"-that's not very nice when you've just dropped your kid off!

Why doesn't he know that these things need doing & take the initiative?

Does he hope that if he sits on his arse long enough you'll just give up & do it all?

Fwiw op. He would pull his weight if he wanted to. He clearly doesn't.

I'm not screaming LTB , but life is much easier when you separate from a partner like this. You get eow to yourself for a start. And doing laundry is a lot less painful when their dirty pants are not there and you can stop having to factor in their food tastes at meal times.

We have a big calendar in the hall with a column for everyone so we can all see who's doing what. At the end of the month I sit down and plan out the next, share this with DH and talk about who's taking DD1 to X, who's taking DD2 to Y, who's got a night out, etc etc. Anything else that comes up gets added to the calendar and planned for. You need to be organised. I think every day is a bit much, you can plan week to week or for a whole month.

You need a weekend routine. Sounds like food shopping and a bit of a catch up clean need to be done every weekend, so just do those things at the same time every week.

Maybe a family calendar for DD's stuff, any appointments or social engagements etc. Use the calendar to work out who will drive DD around.

Then you just need to check in with each other by Thu or Fri to see if either of you has any specific plans for activities/want a lazy weekend/feel like the house could do with a bigger clean etc, so everyone knows what the vague plan for the weekend is before it's gone.

I'd probably just approach this by saying you're frustrated by the way weekends are going right now and could you rejig a bit - then suggest the weekly tasks.

Sitting down that morning to discuss it is a bit late and probably why you get annoyed with each other.

Isn't that just called breakfast?

Lots of you are speaking as if the op's partner is a normal , supportive , and communicative person. It sounds like this isn't the case.

Yes , you absolutely should be able to have a small chat about what tasks need completing. My husband and I do this all of the time. But my exh refused to engage in any such talk , and was always far too busy with his own projects to listen. It's exhausting and you end up doing everything yourself.

Right. So given your post of 46 minutes ago, the problem isn't what you particularly detailed in your op, the problem is that your husband is a complete and utter selfish, thoughtless arsehole who believes his wants to be superior to yours.

It's a shame you didn't post that, as you have now had many posters kind of on his side, who haven't read your updates, and are assuming this is simply an organisational problem.

Your solution isn't with calendars.

Your solution is to get divorced.

Family calendar for big things like trips, activities, who is dropping/pick up.
A rota for cleaning:shopping etc.

He's leaving all the mental load to you. Have you read the book about wife work?

We start almost every Saturday and Sunday with coffee and this sort of conversation.

Shared family calendar like the Cozi app for daily weekly stuff but you’ll need a proper long sit down chat of all your family responsibilities and who’s responsible for what before you can start adding stuff into the app. Family life requires work, how do you and DH manage your time in a work scenario? Do you have meetings and objectives and responsibilities and things written down, or do you just endlessly float around wondering who’s doing what?

There’s no way i would have a meeting about my plans every morning , my plans and priorities change throughout the day o don’t know why you can’t just go with the flow

There's an app called Cozi that has a daily schedule we use (I put in his works shifts, what classes and activities our little one has, any appointments/meetings/things we're doing ect.) It's easy enough for us to both look at and know what's happening every day and we can easily see if there's a free day if we need to go see grandparents ect.
It might be useful for you 🤔 there's a todo list on it and a shopping list as well that would probably help your situation

Just seen your update - you both work full time!! How have you got to this point? You need to shift responsibility onto him ASAP, otherwise you’re just his servant.

Get a shared family calendar app
Have a dedicated place for all invitations, timetables, whatever to be kept
Menu plan and do an online food shop

Surely there must be some sort of natural routine you fall into?

It would drive me nuts to have that conversation every day. Better to have permanent allications.

All dog stuff - you.
All kid stuff - me.
Food - alternate weekends.

Then you only need to talk about it if there’s a problem.

Aghhhh

’allocations’

I'm not sure. it's not something we do really as we just talk in general as such. For example, I will say X has a party on saturday so you'll have to take Y to her club or else X to her party.

Same as if my partner has something going on, I'll be late home from work today or next week I have ABC going on so cant do XYZ.

perhaps just regular conversation would help this as opposed to having to have meetings daily.