To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

Isn't it easier to simply divide up the tasks weekly or on an ongoing basis. Eg when I was married I did the school run (and dropped him) as same direction as work, I also did the before work dog walk as I was better in the morning. I did the long dog walk as I worked pt, and I cooked tea, he did bedtime and did the late night dog walk as he was a night owl.

Kids are now grown and I live with dp, we tell each other if we won't be home at the normal times, I shop and cook as I'm pt, otherwise we just divide tasks according to who has time or the skills

@LookItsMeAgain DD is 2

We do it the night before. Just a check on which child needs picking up, what we are doing for tea (if we need to get anything out of the freezer) who needs a packed lunch, what time will such and such be home, you need to order that for your dad's birthday etc. We also have one of those calendars with columns for everyone one, so we usually check that.

This week it's school trips to panto and late pick-ups.

How about a Day List? Every weekend I sit down with everyone's diaries/calendars and write down what we have on, in a small spiral notebook with a new page for each day. Then I add the regular stuff like bin days, supermarket deliveries etc. It lives on the kitchen counter and we cross stuff off as we do it. Writing it up at the weekend also gives us a heads-up a few days ahead of any logistical issues.

I am going to give a slightly different perspective on this: do you ever do anything fun and relaxing as a family? do you have any hobbies? get involved in any sports? do you see friends?

Because reading about your routine it frankly sounds dull as hell.

After a week at work not everyone enjoys spending weekend going in and out of shops. It is just incredibly boring to many people and as many have already commented you should try freeing your time by getting things delivered during the week.

To me it just sounds like you have stopped doing things together as a family and your partner is simply checking out because it just seems that your life is simply an endless list of chores.

Weekend should be a time to do things as a family or with your partner that go beyond dragging everyone around the shops or being a taxi service for your kids.

Your life sounds utterly claustrophobic to me. I am not surprise your partner wants time out for himself.

OP as your daughter is 2 think very carefully before having another baby. If this is how it is now it’s highly unlikely he’ll be any more invested with a second baby at home. I guarantee he will go out more though!

😁 I guess being a snob just once a week would be fun! (Yes I know it's a typo, but a good one).

Yeah this is the classic, all that wifework ticking round in your head while his is blissfully empty.

You do need the quick convo but do it the night before, not in the morning. Mainly though you need his buy-in that some of this stuff is actually his responsibility. One without the other is useless. Obviously you also need to listen to what he thinks is on the list for the weekend. He's not completely stupid, he will understand that bread and dog food need buying.

DD is still very young, maybe he has just not adapted to busier new weekend-life-with-kids. You're on the same team. Tell him why you need things to change but be more open to other solutions, don't take sole responsibility for the to do list and "meeting" management.

Jesus, in this scenario with a demand for a meeting the only plan I would have would be a divorce. Don’t you just chat? I hate someone planning my day/life etc I totally understand your DH

We do this the night before. Like: are there any plans for tomorrow? No? Do you want to do anything with DD in the morning or do you want to do the big shop/clean the gutters/ hoover the place? And then I let him choose. I don't care as long as shit gets done and DD gets looked after. This way it's his choice what to do so he doesn't complain. If one of us does have a plan I ask if the plan includes DD or if not possible, oh lets do the big shop in the evening/ on sunday then. Whatever works.

I firmly believe in letting men choose. They like control over their lives and don't seem to get that I actually made a pre-choice for them 😁. Also works with inlaws and brothers.

I think a morning meeting every morning is a bit too much. How about a Sunday morning meeting for about 20 mins? And whatever you both agree to is written on a white board or blackboard (or laptop if you don't want visitors to see it). So for example, one week he does the dog every day and you do the dishwasher and the following week you swap etc or whatever works for you both. You could also discuss finances, upcoming birthdays etc. That way you don't get bogged down and the chores are split fairly.

We have a family calendar as well plus we discuss every Tuesday at dinner the next weeks dinners and who is ‘on deck’ to cook them (DH was a sailor). The menu and chef are pinned to the fridge..with any notes like “6pm” if that day we are eating early or later than our usual dinner time.

Ive said repeatedly I don’t mean an official ‘meeting’, just a one minute chat. I had to keep it concise for the title.

I guarantee you if you rewrite this as another thread and drop the word meeting and use instead 'Aibu to expect my husband to communicate with me the bear minimum and actually getting involved in family life rather than just do his own thing' which is actually the rub of this, you would have had rather different answers. Though given your post of about half an hour ago, you wouldn't like the answers and will continue to bury your head in the sand.

How long have you been together OP and how long has this been a problem?

He sounds like a child, and a particularly useless one.

YANBU, this would drive me up the wall.

It's not automatically your job to work everything out, plan it all in advance, and ensure all the things he cba with get done.

I wonder if stepping back might help? If you're constantly stepping in to rescue everything, that's convenient for him, isn't it? So - stop doing it. Let it all hang out! Let it go to fuck and let him work out for himself that things need to be organised.

@arethereanyleftatall why am I burying my head in the sand? I will continue to insist upon these ‘chats’ until it becomes normal, I just won’t her divorced and break my family up over something that’s an ‘irritation’ rather than a huge betrayal of trust etc. I just wanted to check I’m not BU by doing so.

We’ve been together 6 years. Before that he lived alone for 15 years, a few short/medium term relationships in that time but the vast majority of it answering to nobody and pleasing himself. I think that answers for a lot of this tbh.

I completely understand the need. I hate how (some) men get to swan around with an empty head just taking the day as it comes while their wives get stuck with all the "boring" work of organising the day and making sure everyone and everything gets where they need to be/gets done what needs to be done. The resistance to the actual organisation of this adds insult to injury painting you as a nag or micro manager, while your OH gets to be all fun and spontaneous at your expense.

There is an excellent Bluey episode that captures this (Swimming Pool) where all the boring stuff mum does is completely undervalued until they are having a shit time without that organisation...

Personally, a discussion every day would kill me @Rendezvousinthelounge . I hate that manager role and the voice that comes out of my mouth when the other (apparently) competent adult in the house behaves like one of the kids. Instead, I keep the family calendar and agree certain rules.

There are 3 parts to the calendar (we use blackboards and whiteboards)-
One board that is the months of the year, so whatever comes up can be put on the relevant month. I use little magnetic wipe clean labels so, for example, all the December appointments can be transferred to the month calendar when it arrives.
One board for the month with all appointments and activities.
One small board for the day, where the night before I write the key things for the day. E.g. DH picking up kids, me taking them to Scouts, something to be posted (who'll do it), anything in particular that needs to go back to school etc etc.

The basic rules are that if he didn't put something on the calendar and finds himself double booked -that's his problem to solve. This has been a huge issue for us as my DH works on-call weekends and he never tells me when they are. Making it impossible for me to book a hair cut or any other weekend activity. Now I just fill the calendar and if he finds he is on call and double booked it's his problem not mine. He quietly sorts it (after the first time I said, "well you didn't have it on the calendar, so...?").
Stuff on the calendar takes priority -if you have something else come up, again it's your own responsibility to juggle your stuff.
Put your own shit on the calendar!
Read the calendar -if I have a hair/dentist/dr appoint (or anything else) and I've put it on the calendar, then he knows he has the kids.

I get that by managing the calendars I am accepting the wifework here, but I work part-time while he works full-time and I accept this as one of the jobs I do at home that balances this. And it feels so much better to just go and write the next days stuff on the whiteboard rather than sitting him down for a chat. I don't remind him to read them either. They are there, in a central part of the house and entirely unmissable. I'm not going to give myself the work of leading the horse to water...

I am tempted to ‘leave the house to go to shit to make a point’ but I don’t think that would be fair on toddler DD to live in a pig sty and for there to be inadequate food etc. If he cooked (I cook, he washes up, he does that without fail), she would have fish fingers and baked beans every evening. Things would tick over but nothing done to a high standard or planned in advance for efficiency, if that makes sense.

We use an app called Cozi. Our dc are teenagers though and we all have access to it. We all update it whenever we book anything in so we can look and see who needs to be where and when. As for the dog, DH does mornings before work and I do it after work. Weekends we usually all go at least for one of them.

When we only had one child my husband assumed he could just go on about his business like nothing had changed too!

Child number 2 soon sorted that out.

We have a shared Google calendar and usually have quick chat on a Friday evening about the week/weeks ahead.

He generally does any top up shops on his way home from work to leave weekends as shopping free as possible.

During the summer months all chores we sort on weekday evenings to leave weekends free to be out and about.

During the winter I'll often leave more laundry etc to a Sunday when I don't mind staying home.

Thank you@Psychonabike useful suggestions there.

Do you not have a table that you sit and eat together at a few times a day?
Do you ever just have conversations?
Do you not have any communication?

Good relationships are built on good communication.
I'd honestly consider marriage guidance in your position. Without sorting the communication the whole relationship will crumble into mutual resentment.

Me: What are your plans for today?
DP: I was going to do ABC but I'm not going to do that now
Me: okay so you're not going to do ABC, what are your plans?
DP: I just told you

I voted YANBU

Im pretty sure reading that it would look ridiculous to people who aren’t living like that, but I am like you and it really winds me up. I get “working away” dropped on me a few days before it happens and sometimes “you’re driving me to the station” the night before it needs to happen (at best) on a school day.

He spends a lot of time doing unnecessary jobs and then moans that the essential stuff hasn’t been done while he’s off and I’m working, and I choose to do the hours I do, I don’t actually have to. In fairness he wants to spend all his time off with DC but this frequently means my time off is all spent catching up. I’m the boring, nagging, mean parent that I don’t want to be because he won’t adapt and I feel under stress all the time.