To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

Separate out tasks and then they don't need discussed every week. If DH is responsible for shopping; I'm cooking; he's laundry; I'm homework, etc - we don't need to talk about it every week. We also then don't interfere in each other's tasks.
It feels like the lack of organisation is upsetting you but real organisation doesn't need a daily meeting. You need to have one big meeting to thrash out which tasks belong to who; set up a joint calendar or app; and then everything should run more smoothly.

I was thrown off by your title of family meeting every morning because that would BU. If you used same term, that could explain your DHs negative reaction.

But, no, YANBU to want you and your DH to communicate briefly what the plan is for the day each morning, or in whatever way works best for you two. We do it ad hoc, as in we may go over at dinner the plan “for tomorrow”. Often on Sundays my DH has a lie in, so it’s lunch when we touch base and see what plans there may be for the afternoon. Once the DC were teens, we folded them in and it’s very ad hoc but yes, it is needed for partners to touch base daily on what the plans are.

Link the calendars on your phones, so you have a family one and book everything in there

I don’t see how on Earth this lack of a meeting leads to your days descending into chaos?

Umm a meeting sounds kind of formal! I think I'd put up a list of tasks under each day. Ask him which ones he'd prefer to do
e .g. Walk the dog or take daughter to x. Put names next to each task, and remind him to look the the board. At the moment I do everything to do with the kids & home, because im a sahm. However husband has some annual leave, and I've suggested he share in some tasks, as I don't get days off! It's been nice so far, but think he's a bit agrieved, as he clearly expected to slob around and do nothing! Delegation is key.

He sounds like a lazy slob who can’t be bothered to interact with any of the women in his life and then starts demanding his dinner at 5pm (genuinely staggered by this). You do come across as a bit intense and tbh you are making mountains out of molehills but if I was you I would be fed up to the back teeth of this guy. Such unattractive qualities. If you want to stay with him pay for a cleaner between you and then sail on getting things done yourself. He is unlikely to change. A family meeting in the morning is so cringe but I see you are trying to come up with a solution. The real problem is his lack of communication and opt out of family life. Was the baby planned? He doesn’t sound invested in your relationship at all.

Because the op made the mistake of using the word 'meeting' instead of 'my husband is a selfish lazy wanker who doesn't communicate' so her weekends are a chaos of working full time and doing all the chores and childcare of a weekend

This.

I organise the household (all mental load) because I’m very good at it and it’s not a burden.
In return I expect DH to do the assigned tasks (a lot less than 50% of the work) with minimal complaining.

I’m guessing since children were babies and unleavable he’s just popped out as and when he’s wanted to because he’s assumed you’re ok to have the kids.

YANBU.

You have had a child with a teenager who is determined to avoid taking any responsibility for anything if he can avoid it, thereby making YOU the default parent/adult/ person responsible for keeping everything going.

It's absolutely deliberate.

And you know it.

It gets old very quickly and respect and love evaporate very quickly around men like this.

Having another child with someone who continues to behave like this would be a HUGE mistake, so be very careful.

By all means try and work it out with him but absolutely remember this is 100% deliberate.

He is selfish and loves himself far more than he loves you or your child, far more than doing the right thing and sharing the load.

The sooner you spell it out very clearly the better for you and your child.

Good luck.

Shared calendar and WhatsApp

DH and I both work full time and not normal 9-5 hours. Commutes, overseas and lots of event stuff for both of us with lots of last minutes things, plus a kid with a lot of extra curricular activities.

Everything goes in the calendar (DH is really bad on this) and we have a family WhatsApp plus message each other privately.

We also vaguely divvy up household stuff - I do laundry, he does batch cooking and dishwasher. I do everything on child admin, he does most house admin. I sort things like plumbers/electricians because I mainly wfh.

I’m not getting divorced, or leaving. This is our only ‘issue’. Stuff gets done I just want clearer communication.

This is what we do. Shared Google Calendar for the big stuff, the rest we just talk about as part of life. My DH doesn’t need to be given a list of chores though, he is able to see if the dishwasher needs emptying etc as can I (and then pretend I haven’t 😁)

He is selfish and loves himself far more than he loves you or your child,

He absolutely does not.

We just keep a joint calendar on our phones and both add in to that what's happening - ie football fixtures for DS and then add in the other, movable stuff - ie food shop, around the fixed activities.

You know your relationship better than anyone. Perhaps you could say your behaviour makes me feel you aren’t interested in me, our home or our child. There is no point nagging, he is an adult man he knows what needs to be done. You sound like you can afford a cleaner. That will take the pressure off. It must bore you to tears though spending weekends at home when all of you could be outside together or his forbid going for a nice lunch while your MIL minds your daughter. He doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you

Clearly you want to do the dog walk, and have a plan for things to buy. He also wants to walk the dog. So it isn't a chat so much as a question: "I'll walk the dog and stop by the shops after dropping DD, do you want to come too? If you're coming then you'll need to wash up first and I'll vacuum."

It feels like if he had it his way we would just slob around at the weekend doing not very much with DD in front of CBeebies all day, before having a teatime freak out that nothing has been done, we have no food, the house is a tip etc

Nothing wrong with weekends like that!! Isn't that what weekends are for?

I think the morning of is too late personally. Here it's a conversation that happens after kids' bedtime on a Friday, where we discover that we have a near-simultaneous birthday party, swimming class and drive to Heathrow for a rellie to do on the Saturday. And no food in the house. And no clean sheets for the rellie. If you're going to do things, do them properly .

This is one of the reasons things went to shit with my ex.

He would never coordinate anything.
I wanted to go out andhe had already booked a lads night out or a boys weekend away.

He would walk out the house and drive off not telling me where he was going and not when he would come back (leaving me with the children).

He acted like his time was more important than mine.

I hated it. It sounds like your dh doesn't think of you as a team and that needs to change.

So, your question is “should my husband and I communicate with each other?” You need to ask? Of course you do! Unless you are both proficient in mind-reading. Speak to one another. That’s how the rest of us do it.

Good grief…”touch base”, “family meeting”… It’s just normal communication. No need to dress it up as something it’s not. But if it makes you feel important…

This! 100% this.

You start going out (even if it's for a walk or a drive) and before you leave, shout out to the room "I'm heading out now. Amy* you need to get your Dad to bring you to swimming/gymnastics/piano tonight. Oh, and DH you'll have to walk Rover too. See you all later" and leave.

Your DH will have to step up.

He's currently not doing this because he is comfortable in the knowledge that you will step up and do these things. Time for him to do more.

most households are built around routines.

start with your regular work hours and decide who does what, deomestically, based around that?

The asterisk in my post was supposed to link to a bit (that I actually forgot to write before I clicked on the post button) to say
*name changed

I'm really shocked that he wants/needs his mother to look after one of your teenagers but doesn't like spending time with her himself. It's his mother. Did they have a falling out? He doesn't have to reattach himself to her womb but if he does want his children to spend time with her, he should be polite and kind towards her and appreciate her. It doesn't sound like he does.