To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

By meeting I mean a 1 minute chat over our morning cuppa. Not notepads/excel or anything like that.

Literally this. This is what I mean/want.

Yes - we have a family calendar so that if something is added onto that it pops up onto everyone’s phones- children use it too ( late teens) so if anyone is away/ working late and therefore not here for tea it pops up

we do speak to each other as well I promise! This way though nothing gets forgotten

From your title I thought you were being unreasonable but actually your post makes sense!

In our house we have a shared calendar on our phones so we can see if a big shop is booked or it’s a day ending in Y at nursery where DC will need w donation/special jumper/whatever. We put our own appointments in there too so we know when the other might be unavailable.

But also a huge and wildly unattractive – but effective! – whiteboard in the kitchen near where we eat breakfast that has the week planned out (dates, anything special happening, meal plan), a space for shopping lists for top-up shop, and a space for “upcoming” things eg builders arriving or anything that requires a bit of planning like putting the tree up. It’s a good visual “oh yeah, we need to split X task” reminder. Plus also you can see blank weekends and suggest stuff to do.

My expectation is that I am doing everything. Works well for us 🤣

We usually have a chat the night before or morning of - remind each other of plans or things we need / want to do. EVERYTHING that means we won't be around, or concrete plans in advance, go in a shared online calendar.

I don't really know how you're not doing this? Surely you talk?!

My dh has adhd and this is absolutely necessary in our house as he doesn't communicate anything!

I think having a chat on Thursday/Friday about any weekend plans is normal. An official meeting every morning does sound a bit odd.

You don’t need to tell him it’s a meeting though, just ask the question. “I need to do xx later, so are you ok to do yy?”

Talk it through the night before, not that morning. Have a family calendar and write down appointments/bookings/errands. Make sure you spend time together as a family- set time aside for this if needs be.

If you're going to have a meeting I think it needs to be the day before and not on the actual day. The morning is too late, or it would be for me.

You could try a biggish calendar. A3 say, a week displayed at a time. Don't write tons on it, don't add housework as it will be better sorted in a quick chat over cuppa. Then you can talk about nights out or DD arrangements that you will need to agree on, add it to calendar.

Some people just hate the demand of planning. Some people can't look at a calendar, mine is in an office as I need the visual but it would make me v stressed in the kitchen where I relax.

Your OH is maybe picking up on your tension but just not knowing what to do. My DH can't stand having talks about any planning which is v v hard for me. I get your stress!

He could be a man child, in which case needs 'trained' on importance of agreeing plans. Make first chat v quick, sort 2 things and be overly and obviously positive about it. You're not being unreasonable.

So dont call it a meeting. Just ask him what his plans are when you want to know. And if he wants to lay around all weekend, fine. You go do your thing.

Is it not called "a coversation over a family breakfast". That's how it works on this house anyway.

He’s treating you as the default parent and chore doer. He’s just assuming you will be doing everything unless you say otherwise so he can do his own thing.
You need a discussion to address that. You also need to clearly state when you will not be doing stuff eg I’ll leave you to sort out XYZ.

As long as don't start giving him a list and telling him how you want things done.

Microsoft Project may be better as you can designate tasks to individuals and also calculate the critical path and show this on a Gantt Chart which can be printed and pinned to the wall.

One of those telescopic pointer things can be useful to tap on the important tasks and jab those attendees in the eye (don't do this) if they fail to pay attention or lose the will to live.

Could you try playing him at his own game one weekend and slobbing around and doing nothing and see if he suddenly twigs why it doesn't work?

How is he supposed to psychically know you want him to do certain things if you don't mention it

Hell no. He's a grown man with a family and she's his partner not his mother. He shouldn't need to be told what needs doing within the bounds of normal family stuff

Kitchen message board, lists and texts?

I also think there’s an element of avoiding me so then he doesn’t get stuck with the less ‘desirable’ tasks, and gets to do the nicer ones, like the long dog walk on the beach or a bit of leisurely DIY around the house etc. While I’m left with the cleaning, shopping…

And if you plan to do things, which involve him taking responsibility, does he actually follow through?

I'm the house Fuhrer? Wow. You want shared responsibilities, then tell him what his share is if he cannot coordinate himself.

He does. Grumbling while he does it.

So clean up your own bits and shop for yourself. If he doesn't want to do it and you dont want to do it for him, let it be his problem.