To think a family meeting every morning isn’t unreasonable?

[Rendezvousinthelounge]

DP doesn’t ever tell me his plans, unless they’re quite big (aka I need to look after our daughter, or he’s going away overnight etc). Every morning he just gets up and goes about his day without telling me what’s happening, so there’s been a lot of ‘You’re doing X? Well I was about to do Y’ and a lot of household tasks not being completed because ‘I didn’t know I needed to do that today, I did X instead’.

It sounds minor but it’s become really irritating. There’s never a loose plan for the day, so it descends into chaos with everything done is an inconvenient order, if at all. The day seems to ‘run away with us’ while he just potters about doing… well, I’m not really sure what.

AIBU to want, each morning, for us to touch base for all of 1 minute to discuss what’s happening that day? Who is walking the dog, anything that needs to be done round the house and who will do it, if DD is going somewhere who is taking her and when, that kind of thing? He’s acting like I’m the house Fuhrer. I just want the day to run smoothly with everything done that needs to be!

Then you need a proper talk, not a meeting. Or you're just going to end up resentful

If there's an event at a certain time it needs to be diarised in a shared calendar ahead of time.

I'm always surprised at how few households have allocated chores. There are things DP does and things I do, and we leave each other to do them when it suits. No talking is needed about the dishwasher, the laundry or the hoovering.

We talk about stuff like meal planning and food shops because we both want to have input, and then non-routine chores that crop up, but there aren't that many of those.

Why dont you do it the night before? Not in a formal meeting but just have a chat while you're having dinner or something.

Why do you need a meeting? Do you not just talk?

Maybe stop leaving the shopping till Saturday and finding you don't have anything to eat? Get a food delivery every Friday evening. Go for the dog walk on the beach as a family on Saturdays. If you work all week then it's sometimes nice to slob around on a Saturday.

Do you not just talk? Like if an evening or whatever? We have a calendar in the kitchen that we shove any events or work days on so we know if there is a kids party, family gathering, sporting event etc. in advance. Beyond that we just chat about what we might like to do and what needs doing the evening before or in the morning.

I used to have an issue with DH just starting doing jobs/housework and working his way through a list in his head without communicating it properly so I had no idea how to help. I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t see what needs doing in the same methodical fashion as him and if he needs help I need to be told exactly what he wants doing. We usually have a chat about it each morning and then he texts me a list or writes it down. It leaves no ambiguity and he doesn’t get frustrated with me anymore. Maybe you need to implement a similar system?

How about getting one of those family organiser calendars for 2023 and putting it in a prominent place?

Unfortunately what you need is for your DH to have a personality transplant and not consider himself to be a single adult operating a separate life and not seeing all organising and menial tasks to be women's work.

He won't want the one minute of touching base because then he will have to be responsible for his actions and how they affect other people. Lovely that he's making you out to be uptight.

This is all so spectacularly odd op, like the two of you don't like each other at all.

I honestly don't get how it doesn't come up!!

What do you talk about if not stuff like from the offset 'good morning, would you like a cup of coffee?' 'Yes please, I might take the dog for a long walk later.' 'That sounds lovely, can you take dd to her party at 2 cos I have a yoga class.' That would be normal I think.

What does a conversation in your house go like?

A mandatory morning meeting with my partner every day would drain my will to live down to nothing within a week. I’d feel utterly controlled and suffocated. Why the need for a hard and fast plan all the time? Can’t you just talk to each other as and when?

We have these kinds of conversations over dinner, or failing that, round bedtime. Most importantly we need to pin down whose turn it is for a lie in. Maximises slobbing about time, win win!

You're not unreasonable. But a weekend meeting probably won't work as he's made it clear that he does as he pleases.

Have you tried shortcuts such as having shopping delivered on a Saturday and ordering it together beforehand?

I wouldn't want to spend Saturday walking around Tesco either.

Do you not just talk? Like if an evening or whatever?

No this is the issue. For example, today we need to:

1. drop DD at MIL’s after lunch for a couple of hours
2. go to a certain shop to pick up dog food
3. go to another as we need to buy a birthday present and some stocking fillers for DD
4. our online shop was missing a few things so need to drop into the supermarket for replacements
5. dog needs a good run at the beach or in the woods

If I didn’t ‘act like a Fuhrer’ and insist on a loose plan for this, then he would:

1. Assume I’m dropping DD at his mums, he avoids this task as he ‘finds it a pain getting stuck talking to her’. He would ignore his mum’s phone calls and DD would be sat in her pyjamas watching CBeebies at 1pm until his mum turned up here wondering what has happened.
2. it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the supermarket, dog food shop or get the presents - he would then ask ‘what’s for dinner’ at 5pm and be annoyed we ‘have no food’
3. he would however take the dog for a walk, driving past the very shops that we need to go to. He would probably take the dog when I was dropping DD without telling me, meaning I end up doing a repeat journey for the shops

Whereas with a quick chat we could agree that in one trip he (or I) could drop DD, carry on to the shops, then finish with the dog walk and home, freeing the other up to clean the house and do the washing

Does that make sense? It doesn’t seem like a big deal but when it’s EVERY WEEKEND it just gets very annoying.

We have a family calendar with columns for each of us and a shopping list section. I don't understand why shopping is such an issue that you've mentioned it twice. Book an online shop every week. It doesn't need a meeting or discussion.

We usually get food delivered but it’s usually missing some things and I don’t buy everything at the supermarket - dog food and cleaning items etc are cheaper in other shops, plus we usually have totally useless subs and need the occasional top up anyway.

I usually just 'tell'my husband the night before what's going on the next day and if there's something he needs to do with regards to shopping or child care. If it don't involve him I don't tell him. Or if he's asleep when I leave I text him do washing or hoover and a subtle reminder to pick kids up 🤣

We also live quite rurally so everything involves a drive rather than popping round the corner. So planning makes a lot of sense.

Sounds like he does what he wants and leaves the thinking, planning and dull jobs to you. That would annoy me a lot.

I sympathise with you. My ex-husband used to make me feel like the house Fuhrer too, because I was the only one who bothered to keep our home in order and all our bills paid and commitments kept. I hated it. Makes you feel like you're married to a child.

Seconded.

hes lazy and selfish-picking the nicer chores and leaving everything to you

what a man you have there

Is the dog food really cheaper if you value your time and fuel?
We live rurally too. I'm not making special runs for pet food and our dog doesn't need to go to the beach. Is part of the problem that your DP thinks you needlessly complicate the day then complain that it's complicated?

Yes it’s very expensive at the supermarket and the other shop is half a mile away. The beach is about 2 miles away, DDog loves it and has a good run and variety from her weekday park walks. Plus I enjoy it! I work from home (as does he) so enjoy the fresh air.

So basically, he says you are dictating because he can't be arsed to be organised? First thing I would do is let him assume and then when his mother turns up he will have to talk to her and sort out your DD. And he would have to source his own dinner.

But yes me and my DH have a 'meeting' every morning and have done for decades. But it's the morning chat over breakfast or a cuppa or while getting ready, who has plans, what needs to be done, who is doing what and when will be home sort of chat. Sometimes this changes through the day and a text may suffice.

Do you really not talk to each other? Have you asked him what's your plans today?

Well in our house it would go like this. I'll drop dd and pick up the dog food and food bits while you walk the dog. If you're back before me, can you unload the dishwasher please.