Should I steer who my DC is friends with?

[Pineappleandhoney]

I am parent of 1 DC who is very good friends with one other child in their school. My DC tends to gear towards having 1 great friend rather than a group of good friends.

Their previous best friend does not live with their birth parents but otherwise seems happy. I do not know the history but I have assumed there were safeguarding issues based on the little I do know. Their best friend prior to their current was a smart young child but I am somewhat certain they do not come from a great household. More than 1 teacher commented that the child used fowl language and distracted my child during lessons (I am sure at times my child did the same). I have observed the other child’s parents they are very scruffy and don’t seem to work despite on on outwardly appearances seeming able.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

What has been your experience moving from an ok area to a better area with more socially mobile families or vice versa?

I know this in theory sounds bad but I am 100% sure I am not the only parent that has experienced this.
(Ultimately we will likely move to a better catchment area when DC reaches secondary school or internationally with work).

You can’t control who your child is friends with.

hth

Yes, if I thought so and so's parents were rough as, i would try to keep my child at arms length from their kids.

A child being "looked after" by someone other than their birth parents would not give me cause for concern, as long as the people who were looking after them were decent.

Your kid will be friends with who they will be friends with. It’s doesn’t matter at all at this age and even when older having “nice” parents doesn’t mean the child itself will be nice or a good influence.

try not to be too judgemental about primary age kids.

I was going to say yes, if their “friends” are mean to them or are in drugs, problems with police or whatever like that.

But what you are asking here is different, this is just snobbery.

Believe it or not, your child may learn more from a struggling family than from yours. I know that first hand, my best friend when I was 8 didn’t even go to school. He was great and so was his dad, even when they were so very poor.

Another of my friends lost her dad when she was 12 and with that the only income if the family. They went from being very affluent (as we were) to rely on the charity of her much older brother. They were an amazing family, they gave me a lot of perspective, l learned you could be remarkably happy even during adversity and above all, they gave me the love and acceptance that my mother couldn’t and for that, I would be forever grateful.

Not for the same reasons, but I think a lot of my DC’s friendships are somewhat engineered. I’ve never really thought of it in the way you are describing but more a function of me getting on with a particular parent so play dates can work well because I can also have a cup of tea or a glass of wine with a friend.. and our children are better friends for it.

Wow.

Sorry I probably shouldn’t reply but I genuinely felt upset reading that. My little boy (3) is adopted. He’s lovely! It makes me want to cry thinking some parents might not want their children to be his friend because he doesn’t live with his birth family.

YANBU, it’s one of the main reasons we moved DD6 into private, the school we got allocated last year was in a rough area and I just spent so long managing friendships to avoid the worse families, but it was hard and at times impossible.

You sound like a judgemental arse to be honest.

If your child was friends with drug takers, or something, I would say you were being reasonable.

Hope you're not raising your child to be as awful as you sound based on your post!

It’s foul, not fowl.
Who are you to judge anyone.

It would never even cross my mind to not want my child to be friends with an adopted child, please don't worry about your child not having friends based on this awful thread and horrible OP! ❤️

Wow.

yabvu.

Oh come off it, some of you are so sanctimonious!

As if you'd be chuffed to bits with your kids hanging out with the child of a mum who turns up to the playground in her pj's, dressing gown and fag hanging out of her mouth, swearing at a whole rake of offspring behind her!!

🙄

The OP was referring to her child’s last friend, not the one that’s currently the issue from what the post reads like.

Fowl language eh? Where did they learn that?!

Let your kids pick their own friends.

I'm not sure we should be teaching children to exclude other children based on their family and/or economic background.

My goodness... how utterly dreadful! YAB so U - children are not carbon copies of their parents and not everyone can be lucky with their income or background.

My DC have had all sorts of different friends from very different socio-economic backgrounds. Have I liked them all - absolutely not.. have I steered my DC away from their friendships - of course not. Being with people different from yourself is part of what makes this world so very interesting. It doesn't mean every experience is fabulous but how on earth else do you learn about the world?

You sound like the worst kind of snob.

You are a snob and I'd hope my (middle class!) children would avoid yours!

*I was going to say yes, if their “friends” are mean to them or are in drugs, problems with police or whatever like that.

But what you are asking here is different, this is just snobbery.*

Exactly this

Why would it bother anyone who their kid played with at school?

there are some families that I may be a bit wary about play dates with, tbh not many, but why would I be fussed about my kid playing with them at school or having them to my house? I don’t get it.

And FFS... that's such a common sight in every playground around the country, isn't it!?

People have bad days, parents swear and some people even dare to have more than 2.4 children. That doesn't make them bad people, not worthy of knowing or likely to have offspring who will lead your child onto the wrong side if the tracks!

It’s well known that social group impacts a child’s progression and ambition throughout school.

If your child surrounds themselves with chav children who have no or limited ambition they will be more likely to have little ambition themselves. Same applies in reverse.

Yes children aren’t their parents, but you can’t pretend that the likelihood of a child from a working class background also then staying WC is low.

You teach your child your values and acceptable behaviour at home and they usually, eventually, gravitate towards similar friends, let them learn themselves what type of friends they enjoy.

But I would encourage a friendship group rather than a reliance on a best friend.

@GetThatHelmetOn @itsthefinalcountdown1 The previous best friend that the teachers have made comments to me about, made 1 horrible comment about DC a year ago that was escalated to their teacher and support staff. I do have concerns that one parent may have a history of drug dependency (wearing sunglasses in blistering heat, very bad teeth and unkempt look).

@Noimaginationforaun I can only assume the two circumstances are vastly different as you would have been vetted extensively prior to adopting a child. The concern of safeguarding are still present as the child mentioned contact with SS to me. I don’t believe my concerns are unfounded.

I try, but for different reasons. My child is like yours in that he likes to have one ‘best’ friend. I’ve done my best to discourage this as at nursery he was too reliant on one child and didn’t play with anyone if he wasn’t there. Another ‘best’ friend had my son and another both desperate to be his best friend, I wasn’t too bothered here as I knew my son wasn’t going to the same school.

In infant school I discouraged a friendship group when it was obvious to me (and school too as there were a few incidents) that the boys weren’t kind to my son and seemed to revel in leaving him and others out and being unkind. I didn’t try to end the friendship but just encouraged my son to widen his circle and not see that small group as his only option. I always encourage him to include everyone who wants to play. Thankfully he now has a nice group of friends, he still has one who is his best friend but they all rub along nicely, I don’t interfere 😂

Oh my god.... they wore sunglasses when it was hot!! I take back everything I said - they're clearly going to Fuck Your Kid Uuuuup!