Should I steer who my DC is friends with?

[Pineappleandhoney]

I am parent of 1 DC who is very good friends with one other child in their school. My DC tends to gear towards having 1 great friend rather than a group of good friends.

Their previous best friend does not live with their birth parents but otherwise seems happy. I do not know the history but I have assumed there were safeguarding issues based on the little I do know. Their best friend prior to their current was a smart young child but I am somewhat certain they do not come from a great household. More than 1 teacher commented that the child used fowl language and distracted my child during lessons (I am sure at times my child did the same). I have observed the other child’s parents they are very scruffy and don’t seem to work despite on on outwardly appearances seeming able.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

What has been your experience moving from an ok area to a better area with more socially mobile families or vice versa?

I know this in theory sounds bad but I am 100% sure I am not the only parent that has experienced this.
(Ultimately we will likely move to a better catchment area when DC reaches secondary school or internationally with work).

Yes you can engineer friendships in primary. Iv seen several mothers do it over the years. They invite the child over at least weekly, take them on trips out with dc etc.

OP has said they are assuming there are safeguarding issues with a child because he is adopted. Did you read the first post or...?

You're vile.
If you look at me in the school run, I look unkempt, prioritise getting the kids to school over what I look like and you'd think I didn't work....I work nights...but your judgemental self wouldn't see any of that.

If kids are being mean that's one thing...but based on what youve said... That family should about you

In DSs class are a couple of boys who are always in trouble, bullying or causing problems in the classroom. I won't let DS play outside school with these boys. End off. They are troublemakers and I prefer he plays with kids I approve of. One of the boys is one of 9 children with neither parent working, and a very disinterested dad. I've seen this non engagement personally. If that makes me a snob, then i own it.

No, she said they are not living with their birth parents. This child could well be looked after or under a SGO.

If you read my first post on this topic (the 3rd post on this thread) you will see that I told OP that the fact the child does not live with their birth parents would not concern me.

*Sorry correction long sleeves in blistering heat and sunglasses every time I saw her at the gate summer or winter.

One of the worst families I'm currently in contact with, are middle class. Utter snobs, nasty spiteful children who are spoilt, absolutely nothing good to say about either of them - so I avoid mentioning them to other volunteers.

I much prefer my kids socialising with a range of kids from different backgrounds, though I definitely prefer it when the kids are from working class backgrounds. There's no shitty snobby pretense, fakeness, we've rarely been judged by others from our own class, unlike we have by those from the middle class I've known or met.

Wow.

Maybe at secondary/college.

bit are you telling me that a 6 year old is going to fail at life because their friends are working class? Come on.

Fuck me I look 'unkempt', I also have bad teeth as a result of neglect and always wear long sleeves because of my psoriasis. I also wear sunglasses often due to light sensitivity - I wonder how many parents thought I was on drugs when I did the school run.

This thread would be funny if it wasn't quite so disgraceful.

Right, I've just a mental note to only wear short sleeves in summer and put my sunglasses away all year in case I come across as a drug user. And brush my hair. Thank for the top OP.

Luckily your child sees his friend for who they are, not what their parents look like at the school gate.

I’ve kind of done it on a macro level by choosing to live in a really good (expensive) neighbourhood and send my children to good local schools schools, but on a micro level they are left to make their own choices. But like I say, the children they meet are probably not very diverse.

Do you think friends change all that much from primary to secondary? Many go to the same schools, and stay friends with their childhood best friends.

And yes, connections and aptitude to learning at 6 does have an impact. It also impacts what your child is exposed to.

No, only intervene if they are an actively bad influence or are horrible to your dc/a bad friend.
my dd 11 has a close friend since 2 and they are very different , when they were younger we thought her friend was overpowering a bit and our dd wasn’t really able to be herself, was railroaded a bit by her friend and maybe wondered if it would be a good thing to try and back off a bit and have them not hang out quite so much. We actually realised that the friend was full of the confidence that our dd wasn’t ( very shy) and that’s why they were good friends I think because they balanced each other out.

It’s good to have friends different from ourself , it’s more interesting for a start , good to get on with people from all walks of life.
If your son has found a connection, someone that he enjoys spending time with and that would have his back that’s lovely , encourage it.

Yes, my kids were friends with no one from primary at secondary after the first couple of weeks, despite going up with several.

so you’re saying that your DC are only allowed to be friends with middle class kids from nice families? Good luck with that. Honestly success is mostly down to parents being engaged and interested in their DCs education. Engineering their friendship to ensure they’re only friends with desirable children seems incredibly wrong to me. I’d like my kids to grow up valuing people from all walks of life.

😁

IME it is far more often than not that the more affluent kids are the ones who are experimenting with drugs, porn etc earlier than the other ones.

I went to private school, the scruffy ones were the aristocrats, the posh ones the ones that were always trying to keep up with the Joneses and often had awfully entitled children. Good neighbourhood it is not necessarily a synonym of well to do people.

Incidentally, the aristocrats in DS state schools had hooligans for children, the dad was open about his use of recreational drugs and they had an open marriage 😁

That’s not to say poverty invests you with virtue, we also had the violent yob with nasty children 🙂

You can have some control over these things while they are little. BUT it’s almost impossible to control who they spend time with in school.
They are drawn to whoever they’re drawn to.
You do sound a bit snobby.
The only reason I would attempt to stop my child spending time with another would be if I had concerns they where hurting mine or if I was worried they’d be at risk in some way.
I wouldn’t send her home with someone if I was worried but I’d invite the other child over instead. It’s not the child’s fault.

I’m not sure really. I always look super scruffy on the school run as I’m not a morning person and struggle getting everyone ready.I once encountered the most awful, pretentious woman in the playground who clearly judged me and didn’t give me the time of day. Blatantly ignored me when I was speaking and talked over me on several occasions when I was speaking with others.I’ve never encountered anything like it…so rude!

Dh and I are both educated professionals and quite high earners but you wouldn’t necessarily know that from looking at us or our current house. We have both had a couple of promotions since buying our home but haven’t yet got the energy to move up the ladder, plus where we live is convenient for our jobs and the schools. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t mind who dc are friends with as long as they continue doing well at school, being respectful and there is no risk of them going off and doing drugs / smoking etc or safety issues. If you suspect drugs etc I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to encourage the friendship though but it might be worth talking with the parent / guardian to get a feel for what they are like / if they are really into drugs or just don’t like their arms.

You don't know anything about this child. Just because she doesn't live at home etc doesn't mean she's going to have a negative effect. You are prejudiced against children like her and you are a crushing snob.

Outside of school your kids do hang around with your friends kids and might be friends. The older they get, the less it works.
DD used to spend a huge amount of time with one of my friends DD, at around 10 it became obvious that they were very different and honestly, DD can’t stand her.

Inside school it’s impossible. DD went to a ‘rough’ school and I couldn’t stand some of the parents but you make do. Lots of the kids were really nice. DD is no longer friends with any of them though and has a lovely group of friends in secondary she has made.

There was a mum at primary who spent a lot of time managing her daughters friendships and pushing her to be friends with certain people. Being super nice to those kids and inviting them to nice things all the time. This included not being friends with my DD (I think because she competed for cleverest in the class). From what I heard this has not got well in secondary because mum can’t involve herself and the girl struggled to make friends.

I wouldn't actively intervene on an existing friendship without very good reason (I don't think, my son is too young for me to have any actual experience of this) but I do spend a lot of time researching schools and catchment areas to try and increase chances of him mixing with similar social economic backgrounds.

My mum tried to do that. As a result, i collected and tried to rescue all the "riffraff".

It spectacularly backfired for years.

One of DS's friends lives with his aunt, he's a lovely little boy. Really not sure why you would have a problem with a child who doesn't live with their birth parents.

I wouldn't try and control who your child is friends with. If you have concerns about the parents, just make sure you hang around during any play dates.

You sound like my sister. Every time her daughter asked if a friend come round, she asked her, "What does her daddy do?"