Should I steer who my DC is friends with?

[Pineappleandhoney]

I am parent of 1 DC who is very good friends with one other child in their school. My DC tends to gear towards having 1 great friend rather than a group of good friends.

Their previous best friend does not live with their birth parents but otherwise seems happy. I do not know the history but I have assumed there were safeguarding issues based on the little I do know. Their best friend prior to their current was a smart young child but I am somewhat certain they do not come from a great household. More than 1 teacher commented that the child used fowl language and distracted my child during lessons (I am sure at times my child did the same). I have observed the other child’s parents they are very scruffy and don’t seem to work despite on on outwardly appearances seeming able.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

What has been your experience moving from an ok area to a better area with more socially mobile families or vice versa?

I know this in theory sounds bad but I am 100% sure I am not the only parent that has experienced this.
(Ultimately we will likely move to a better catchment area when DC reaches secondary school or internationally with work).

I encourage them to be friends with people who are kind, patient, forgiving and not too full of themselves. I encourage my DC to be good friends by behaving that way towards others.

I couldn't care less about the family background (unless they were known drug dealers or something, but that can happen with nice middle class parents too). If the parents smoked in the house or swore all round them, I'd probably not encourage my DC to go to their house; I'd invite them to ours instead, but I absolutely wouldn't discourage the friendship if the child was generally pleasant.

Mine are teens now and looking back they have never had a moments trouble from the “rougher” girls the op would shudder at who are by and large pretty decent- any misery inflicted has always been by middle class evil ones.

Hence in my view the solution if private school to avoid issues definitely wouldn’t work!

OP, I think you're getting an unfair time here.

There's a difference between occasional recreational drug use & covering arms - you're implying needle marks which would concern most people.

My dc have broadly chosen their own friends. Their best friends currently are 1-from old money millionaire family & 2-single parent council house respectively. Both are lovely children who are kind with good manners & generally pleasant dispositions.

There are other children who have been from varying parts of the spectrum & depending on the child the behaviour has been varied. Regarding not living with birth parents (i don't think the Op means adopted), it's understandable that these children may need more support as for whatever reason their parents were unable to look after them. I wouldn't be surprised by these children being more volatile as they are likely to have endured more struggles but it wouldn't put me off my dc having a friendship with them same as any other child, until anyone's behaviour becomes apparently unacceptable.

Like others have said, the children who dc have told me swear, wind up my dc & behave badly in school, I generally don't extend invitations to unless I'm sure they're going to be a group big enough to spread the load of them among. My ds is now by himself at 13 slowly distancing himself with a friend like this.

And yet it STILL wouldn’t be the fault of the child, now would it?

The teacher shouldn't be discussing other children with you, very unprofessional.

My son has lots of friends at school, one of them, who he sits next to in class, is the kid who gets put in 'reflection'/'seclusion' etc.. daily. This boys brother has already been expelled (this is primary school). The family, sadly, have a reputation (some known criminal background) and the mum is often ignored at the school gates :( Personally, I like the mum. She's doing her best. Her son, who is friends with my son, has a lovely side to him. Clearly life is tough enough for him without the other kids being told to stay away from him. Obviously, if my son was being bullied by this kid (or vice versa), or my son was being drawn into his naughtiness, I'd need to step in and find a way to support my son, but currently this isn't happening and they are forming a nice friendship. I'm pleased my son doesn't have the prejudice or judgemental attitudes which come with age, and the two boys can just enjoy being kids with each other. For now (age 8) that seems more than fine to me.

Your OP doesn't read very clearly. Ultimately, as long as my DC's friends are kind, fun, not leading them astray* etc, I'm happy and I don't care about their background at all. But for several reasons, I would discourage your DC from having just one friend: what happens of that child is away? A life lesson is to be able to get on with more than one person, and so on.
*nothing to do with socioeconomic background.

Wish there was a like button on Mumsnet! I want to 'like' this post 💛

@Baconsprouts you are talking complete bollocks. All the evidence for school education in the UK indicates that the socioeconomic circumstances of the home environment (income, maternal education level, number of books etc) is a far FAR bigger influence on a child's educational success than a child's school friendship group.

For someone who can’t spell “foul” you’ve got a bit of a cheek being so snobby.

I was the kid from a lower social economic background. I’ve done better in life than friends from a higher income family.

This is hilarious. I sometimes look scruffy; I work from home in a well paid, responsible job, and I’m usually in a rush from work to collect DS. I wear sunglasses in all weather to prevent migraines. I also have bad teeth: years of bruxism have ruined them

Unless they are a massive detriment to your child, I’d leave them to it, while also encourage them to make friends with others unless they are the type who enjoy their own company and aren’t fussed.

My mother tried to. She wouldn’t say stay away but she would make comments and ask questions about their home life that I never had an answer for. I never asked questions about their home lives unless they felt comfortable to discuss it with me and I wouldn’t disclose something unless I was concerned. I rarely paid attention to what they didn’t or did have (why would I unless it was something highly noticeable). She would say things off first impressions and made it less likely that I would ask for help. The times she did interfere, only strengthen my resolve to make friends the way I chose. She sent me to a summer holiday camp with the type of people she wanted me to be around, but I spent most of it being bullied because I was “different” (you name it, they found an issue with it) while the adult counsellors did nothing. She sent me back three times to places like that.

I still had a diverse, eclectic group of friends of my own accord. A good chunk being the type people would consider as inferior or had negative gossip about them. None of them deserved such treatment. It’s a major reason I can’t stand gossip especially the tabloid kind that is so prevalent in our culture.

I'd usually leave kids to it. The only time it would be worthwhile controlling it is if your kids go to school with George or Charlotte - in that instance you'd be forgiven for orchestrating a friendship.

You have it backwards OP. Let your child befriend the riffraff, that way you can lord it over them and patronise them with your precious time whilst giving yourself that much needed boost of superiority.

Also, free eggs from the chickens…

@Ivyonafence it's a troll. They've hardly commented. Just posted and watched the usual classism fights ensue. Pathetic

Some of what you've described sounds like snobbery, OP.

I wonder how you'd feel if I said that I didn't want my child to be friends with your child because of your poor command of English (spelling and grammar errors in your post), due to wanting them to be with a "better class" of people?

(I'm from a working class family, and now in a professional, middle class job)

Oh sorry didn't realise you were in charge of who can and can't comment and when they can and can't comment.

If you suspect a troll, report the thread.

commented twice. People are still commenting on this shit show. TROLLLLLL

Does it matter? It’s a valid discussion either way and the responses are encouraging.
Sadly, although this may be a troll post I think it’s naive to think there aren’t people out there with this attitude. It’s good for people to point out it’s a shitty attitude to have, whether genuine or not.

If I was the kind of person who judged chukdren by their parents I'd tell my children to avoid yours like the plague.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

Utterly hideous and yes YABU

You sound horrid, and so judgmental of primary school age kids!

I grew up firmly middle class, 4 bed detached house, never wanted for anything. And one of my best friends lived in a council house, neither of her parents worked, but I was always so so happy there. They obviously weren't wealthy. But her mum would make us an absolutely banging vegetable soup, with buttered bread for our tea. And on the nights I slept over, she'd tuck us in with a hot water bottle. Her dad was always cracking jokes and was always up for taking us down the play area - something my own dad never did.

Yes, they were poor, in social housing and unemployed, but were also the kindest most loving people you could ever meet. I'd be delighted if my kids had friends like that.

Agreed. Although my DDs (13 and 10) are beyond the age when I can realistically control their friendships.

They’re also adopted and I also find it sad to think there might be parents who would judge them negatively because they don’t live with their birth parents.😢