Should I steer who my DC is friends with?

[Pineappleandhoney]

I am parent of 1 DC who is very good friends with one other child in their school. My DC tends to gear towards having 1 great friend rather than a group of good friends.

Their previous best friend does not live with their birth parents but otherwise seems happy. I do not know the history but I have assumed there were safeguarding issues based on the little I do know. Their best friend prior to their current was a smart young child but I am somewhat certain they do not come from a great household. More than 1 teacher commented that the child used fowl language and distracted my child during lessons (I am sure at times my child did the same). I have observed the other child’s parents they are very scruffy and don’t seem to work despite on on outwardly appearances seeming able.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

What has been your experience moving from an ok area to a better area with more socially mobile families or vice versa?

I know this in theory sounds bad but I am 100% sure I am not the only parent that has experienced this.
(Ultimately we will likely move to a better catchment area when DC reaches secondary school or internationally with work).

🙄

Actually her child sounds lovely. Children can't help the parents they have

*Foul

If you don’t wear sunglasses in blistering heat, when exactly would you wear sunglasses?

Be prepared for your child to rebel against you when they hit their teens…

They’re steered towards friends with nice families yes, hence why we moved to private after the pool in their state primary was lacking.

I won’t feel bad for not wanting my children to surround themselves with children who look like county lines drug dealers with parents who have matching wardrobes,

Whilst I don't and can't control who my children are friends with at school, I just don't encourage out of school stuff if I don't like the parents, eg day trips, lift shares, playdates at ours.

Let your child be friends with who they like in primary, just don't invite the kids you don't like to your home.

There are studies that show in secondary the vast majority of people self-select to be with people like themselves.

So your only real issue with these kids is one doesn't live with birth parents and the other has parents who are a bit scruffy. You heard some gossip that one child used fowl language (can't imagine why him talking about chickens would upset you so I assume you mean foul).

However you don't say anything about your child's behaviour changing so if it wasn't for gossip you presumably wouldn't have been alerted to the fact these people are 'below' you. So they're not bad influences or anything. I suspect your DC may have only one friend because other parents don't like you 🤷

Good luck trying to control your DCs friends by the way, that sounds like a plan that cannot backfire 🙄

I hate this snobbery. 'Chav children'? That's disgraceful.

I would far far rather that my child grew up to be kind, accepting, treat everyone with respect, and not judge people by their parents bank balance, then grown up valuing money and appearance above all else. How shallow!

Why would you teach your children to be ambitious in terms of the amount of wealth and power they can hoard form themselves, and not ambitious about the amount of good they can put into the world and the difference they can make? Find me the dressing gown mum, I'd much rather spend time with her!

Op in the nicest way possible I think you know you're being a bit snobby. However I think maybe you've just not articulated yourself that well, I think lots of parents would feel similar or would be dubious about their child mixing with certain children simply because of ingrained prejudices (not really our fault per se, its embedded in society)

Rather than judging the child's background (or what you think you know of it) you should invite these kids over and see the friendships develop? It doesn't matter what parenting children have and those you mention could be the ones most in need of a friend!
Xx

Have a word with yourself OP. If anything, yours is the family I’d want my child to avoid.
Must remember to wear sunglasses, forget to brush my teeth and hair so that parents like you ignore me on the school run.

If you want to spend your money buying your kids desirable friends then that’s entirely up to you.

but I don’t think it’s fair to hold how their parents present themselves against a young child. Kids are not their parents and some parents who may look a bit rough are actually very nice 🤷‍♀️. on the flip side some parents who look lovely and middle class from the outside are actually awful. At primary it doesn’t really matter who their friends with.

Blimey, you’re a right piece of work. You do realise drugs exist in middle class naice private schools don’t you? Do some research, you might educate yourself.

sorry. *They’re.

I would focus on encouraging wider friendship groups more than anything else, eg offering play dates. Regardless of this friendship your DC will benefit from not being reliant on one friend which can become intense and sometimes lonely

Also, the poshest, most expensive private school in our area has an awful problem with drugs in the later years. Just something to be aware of. Your kids lovely friends will be able to afford a lot more drugs than the less desirable kids they left behind at state.

If the child was having a negative affect on your child’s emotional or physical well-being then I would say YANBU.
If you are just being an incredible snob then you YABU.

It’s well known that social group impacts a child’s progression and ambition throughout school.

Good luck to all those looked after children then I guess? You can’t be friends with anyone who isn’t in the same disadvantaged broken boat at you. Let them all sink together while the well to do kids enjoy sailing in their strong ship towards the land of the privileged without pesky children from low socioeconomic backgrounds rocking it slightly (not sinking it) on the way.
That very much sums up the UK for you…

This^
i cried reading OP’s appalling post. Has OP any idea how they come across? My child is also adopted (at 6 years old) and struggled with friendships. Throughout the whole of primary school they were invited to just one party, despite huge efforts by us to arrange playdates. It’s heartbreaking. Children can learn a lot from classmates of different backgrounds and this should be encouraged at school.

Name change for this as I am so disgusted I may out myself!
Parents like you are the reason behind all the arrogant, ignorant bigots in the world.
I'm a single parent with 5 kids, 2 different fathers. From the youngest 3 being in nursery I have dealt with judgement, bullying, exclusion of myself and DC.
Now, 14 years in. My DC are winning school awards and receiving university offers, top of their classes. The 'higher class' kids are dropping out of school, smoking weed and moving into bedsits while their parents get fined for them being out of education.
I'm not saying ALL the 'better kids' are doing this but my 'scummy kids' are definitely on the best paths, even the youngest (8) is dancing in a major theatre production.
mmay look 'scruffy' in the playground but my kids get the best of everything and when they are in the 'higher class' like you, I know they will never, ever be so fucking judgemental!!!

Dear god. Working class children with no hope of elevation eh? I grew up working class in a rough neighbourhood, topped my primary school, went to University and got a Masters degree. My siblings are both university educated with professional careers. But we live in Australia so I guess that’s the difference.

I’ve tried to influence friendships in the younger years, mainly to stay away from nasty, entitled kids who bully, with parents who are far too busy with their high powered jobs and social lives to take any notice of them.

Yes, parents could have all the money in the world but this doesn’t mean their children will be nice, friendly little souls. And the child who’s parents both work hard but live in a bit of a rough area with a sh*t car could be ten times a nicer, better influence.

Odd you think it’s to do with bank balance, you can be on a low income and not deck your child out in Nike tracksuits, with shaved heads and fags hanging out your mouth.

Plenty of families are on a low income and aren’t chavs.

Fgs I have 4 boys and never engineered any friendships. Kids need to mix with all children and make their own minds up. You don’t then have to invite them home with you to play but it’s not the child’s fault who their parents are - if they are on drugs etc but all children deserve friends and to be safe at school.

What happens at high school then once your child has left school when you can’t micromanage your childrens lives and the control is gone?…my kids all have lovely friends from all backgrounds and are nice well adjusted kids. Can’t stand judgy folk like you op.

Yes. You absolutely should steer your children away from the children you mentioned.

Those children absolutely do not need your sneering judgement anywhere near their lives and will be far better off not being exposed to you and your attitude.

We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover either. I’m sure I look horrendous at the school sometimes but purely because I can’t afford to buy nice new clothes for myself because I’d far rather my kids have.

I'd absolutely hate it if my child was friends with a child with parents like you. Just awful. Sums up what is wrong with this country. I hope your child is more empathetic and mature.