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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I steer who my DC is friends with?

139 replies

Pineappleandhoney · 10/12/2022 18:49

I am parent of 1 DC who is very good friends with one other child in their school. My DC tends to gear towards having 1 great friend rather than a group of good friends.

Their previous best friend does not live with their birth parents but otherwise seems happy. I do not know the history but I have assumed there were safeguarding issues based on the little I do know. Their best friend prior to their current was a smart young child but I am somewhat certain they do not come from a great household. More than 1 teacher commented that the child used fowl language and distracted my child during lessons (I am sure at times my child did the same). I have observed the other child’s parents they are very scruffy and don’t seem to work despite on on outwardly appearances seeming able.

I AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

What has been your experience moving from an ok area to a better area with more socially mobile families or vice versa?

I know this in theory sounds bad but I am 100% sure I am not the only parent that has experienced this.
(Ultimately we will likely move to a better catchment area when DC reaches secondary school or internationally with work).

OP posts:
melonraspberry · 10/12/2022 21:21

Incidentally I am a single parent after a violent marriage and my dd is the loveliest child you could meet and one of the very top in her year. I probably look pretty scruffy as I wfh and don't spend much on myself, I make sure instead that we have a good safe and secure life and the occasional holiday.

Anyone who is friends with my dd is very lucky indeed .

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/12/2022 21:23

So much to say on this but I can't get it into words without seeming judgmental. OP , reread your post. All I can say is that assessing small children in this superficial way is wrong . Help your DC to learn social skills and discernment by mixing with whom they wish. It will be in their interests long term.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 10/12/2022 21:32

Good luck in controlling your child's friendships 🙄
Could be possible other parents are trying to control their children from playing with the kid with the judging mum....and ends up with no mates at all.
Think on

Stopandlook · 10/12/2022 21:34

Just awful.

Poor child - judged and excluded from friendships by adults. Makes me so sad.

Never would I prevent my child from choosing their own friends. Obviously if I was concerned about something I would jump in and discuss it then. But all children should be allowed to reach their potential without being held back by snobs.

JustMarriedBecca · 10/12/2022 21:41

This is ghastly. What a horrific OP.

I look a total scruff on the school run, our car is a piece of crap, by far the worst in the car park.

That's because I'm so busy running a department and earning six figures to be arsed in the morning and I keep my suits in my large corner office.

Your opinion is unfortunately not yours alone though - I was once told when I went to view a nursery that "they had a lot of lawyers and doctors children" my child could mix with if I sent them there. I rejected it on that basis.

Incidentally, drug problems in my experience, are predominantly more of an issue in private schools.

Do I steer my children's friendships? No. I want them to mix with all kinds of different people.

And I can smell a social climber (and avoid them) a mile off.

70billionthnamechange · 10/12/2022 21:41

Wowsers

melonraspberry · 10/12/2022 21:42

After I left my marriage, I moved from a million pound house in a wealthy area and bought a house elsewhere in the country on a street which is mainly council, and dd started the local school, which was not 'outstanding' like her old one.

We have both flourished here, she is taking GCSEs and is expecting 8s and 9s, which is way above target, it is friendlier by a mile at her school and in our town.

This thread just reminds me of everything I realise now I hated about where I used to live. There's a lightness about living here we never had in the richer area.

At one point we were the family with social services involvement . Because I married a man who became violent. That is not our fault and I'm sure many judged but that is just ignorant . Anyone can end up in a bad situation, no one is completely secure .

Libelula1979 · 10/12/2022 21:49

I look a right scruff on the school run and probably 99% of the time, as it's just me. I just feel more comfortable in casual clothing.
I'm poor, live on an HA estate and - 😱 - I'm a single Mother.
OP, I'm the stuff of your nightmares...
I imagine some people do judge me, but I'm a fairly nice, decent polite person.
My DC certainly aren't exceptional in any respect, but they generally get along well with the majority of other children in their class, are pretty darn polite and decent most of the time, and I will happily chat to their friends' parents, whether they can cut glass with their middle class vowels OR sometimes say "innit".
I guess I'm just comfortable enough within myself to not try to steer my DC's friendships.
My Mother did it to me and wouldn't let me mix with what she called "common little street oiks" (the other kids on our estate), so my sibling and I grew up socially isolated and very lonely.
Perhaps encourage your child to embrace a wider friendship circle, or they are going to find life tough at high school.
And, OP, if this thread is actually 100% authentic, you might consider not being such a snob?

Stressfordays · 10/12/2022 21:49

I let them be friends with who they want. As they get older I talk about good choices and being careful about the company you keep (meaning hanging around with the naughty kids will get you in trouble too).

I'm a lone parent, my kids dad was recently splashed all over the local news for some not very nice things. Luckily, no one seems to avoid me at school even though it is a 'posh' village school. My dc are always invited to parties etc.

Crunchingleaf · 10/12/2022 22:02

There is a girl who went to primary with my DS, we know her parents and her older siblings. Parents aren’t exactly engaged with their DC and the older siblings are trouble. Parents just laugh at things like their children getting involved in fights. There was no curfews for the older siblings so will probably be same for this girl too when she hits 14/15. The girl all through primary was a lovely girl, however her best friends parents had major reservations about the friendship and I can see where they are coming from, but they didn’t intervene as it’s only primary school. They have ended up in same class in secondary school now and the best friends parents are wondering if they should of done something to steer their daughter away from this friendship.
Sometimes if you actually know the parents of a particular child it can be difficult not to have doubts about a friendship. If you don’t know the parents then you are entering into being a snob territory.

Coyoacan · 10/12/2022 22:37

Apart from anything else, being able to mix with all kinds of people is actually a very useful skill

Teddybear00 · 10/12/2022 22:49

My mum always tried to control who I was friends with or gave me strong opinions and I never understood until now. I think if you know your kids friends are a bad influence on them then absolutely it's your duty as a parent to look out of your child. However, I wouldn't try steer them if they are different but not doing any harm

Dittosaw · 10/12/2022 23:02

You can never predict which friendships will harm your children because the druggies daughter might be lovely and the doctor’s daughter might be a manipulative bully, who tells everyone to be mean to your child. You just do not know. My best friend as a child had terrible things said “rough, coarse, common, dangerous” etc all because they were mixed heritage. I see some haven’t progressed from those times.

I suggest you read “An Inspector calls” and see if it teaches you anything

ErinAndTonic · 10/12/2022 23:11

At least your child seems to be far less judgemental than you are, hopefully they'll grow up to be a nicer person and know their own mind. Why the hell would being adopted be a reason to not allow a friendship.

Oh and also I wear sunglasses often, because my eyes are sensitive to bright light and believe me some overcast days can cause me to squint and struggle just as much as in the height of summer. Stop making assumptions and go off what you see. Agree with other posters if it was drugs or behavioural issues it would be different, but that comes irrelevant of background, you can't just simply cast aside your child's friend just because they come from the 'wrong side of the tracks'.

AnneTwackie · 10/12/2022 23:13

@Absolutescum you and your kids sound amazing!

ehb102 · 10/12/2022 23:49

I'm all for not letting your child sit amongst rotten apples, but these do not seem to be rotten apples.

Rotten apples can be found anywhere. People with bad spots that may spread. Selfishness, rudeness, unkindness, dishonesty, callousness, they are what we want to keep our children from seeing as normal . Money has nothing to do with values.

fifteenohfour · 11/12/2022 00:02

This reply has been deleted

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riotlady · 11/12/2022 00:15

AIBU to want my kid to socialise with kids from a similar or better socioeconomic background?

But if you don’t want your kids to mix with those from a “worse” socieconomic background, why would parents from a “better” one want their child to mix with yours? You might drag them down

Absolutescum · 11/12/2022 00:23

@AnneTwackie Thank you. I've worked extremely hard to ensure they get a good start in life. 1 of my children is mixed race but don't tell OP! 🤣

ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut · 11/12/2022 00:24

Well you can try to engineer your child's friendship but it might not turn out the way you hope. I am a young single parent living in the equivalent of a council house. My children's father was in jail when they were young due to DV. They have zero contact now.

So you would probably deem my kids as below you. It would be your loss though, as they are incredibly hard working, they do well in school and have more empathy than you have displayed in your posts by a mile. They are also the type of boys who would include your son when his one friend was sick or absent from school because they don't like to see people left out. Sometimes it is worth looking a little deeper.

TheaBrandt · 11/12/2022 00:29

Both ours without exception gravitated to families “like ours”. Parents of similar outlook /education level /jobs and income. It was uncanny actually. Even at secondary when I overlap with the parents of dds friends they are lovely and exactly like my friends are.

Clymene · 11/12/2022 00:36

You can be as snobby as you like in primary. They'll be friends with all sorts in secondary.

Judgyjudgy · 11/12/2022 00:38

Peashoots · 10/12/2022 19:18

It’s foul, not fowl.
Who are you to judge anyone.

Ha, I thought this too

littlehouselights · 11/12/2022 08:30

I never knew that wearing sunglasses marked me out as lower class.

I have very sensitive eyes and the sun makes them run like mad. So I have photochromic lenses. What does that make me?

Ivyonafence · 11/12/2022 08:39

This can't be real.

People aren't this clueless.