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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

5 days into breastfeeding and I think I'm going to give up

352 replies

AliceAbsolum · 10/12/2022 01:22

I had no idea how hard this would be. If I could just get the latch right regularly I think I'd be a lot better, but she just won't open her mouth.

She also won't sleep anywhere but on us... How does that work when DH goes back to work? If I formula fed he could do an equal block of time with her. Or maybe a dummy would really settle her, but I'm too worried about it interfering with breastfeeding.
It's only 5 days in but I'm not sure how much longer I can go with 3 1 hour naps a day

I can't enjoy her just constantly trying to stay awake all night long or struggling to get her to latch on.

Help :(

OP posts:
Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 08:36

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 07:01

Has she been assessed for tongue tie? That can be the cause of choking and gagging. It caused all sorts of problems with DD, she's been a different baby since it was cut.

I found the advice on breastfeeding shocking. We got given the 'mothers and others' leaflet at the booking appoinyment which was great but then every support worker gave different advice. I knew to offer both sides as I'm trained in breastfeeding due to where I work, however I was told by one support worker to offer only one side and limit the feed time 🙄

I ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks having my son as the induction took forever and then he starved at the breast and was hospitalised for starvation.

The advice we got ranged from downright dangerous (could have killed him if we'd continued to attempt to EBF) to comical. We even made a list of the contradictory advice to include in a complaint. For example:

Offer both breasts at each feed/only offer one so baby gets the rich hind milk
Feed on demand/make sure you feed every 2-3hr whether baby wants it or not
Sleep is important for your supply/if you sleep longer than a couple hours your supply will disappear
Bf shouldn't hurt/if they're latched properly it'll make your toes curl
Never push baby's head to the breast/push his head on so he knows where to go
Use shields/don't use shields
If he's feeding longer than 15m it's just for comfort/let him feed as long as he likes

and so forth. It went on. All within the same ward. It left us utterly confused in such a mess. And despite the reams of advice, not one person would listen to me or believe what I was saying about not producing milk.

Curiosity101 · 20/12/2022 09:44

not one person would listen to me

I think that's the main thing that sticks out time and time again about the early days of breastfeeding. @Kolakalia People often don't have the time to stop and really listen.

I feel like there are so many factors that affect your experience and ability, and in the UK we don't have the level of support you need to safely/positively establish breastfeeding unless you have the 'happy path' route. Ie. No tongue tie, milk comes in easily, the baby learns to latch quickly, etc.

I feel like our breastfeeding rates are so low that the overall knowledge is also very low. You find pockets of expertise (LLL and local breastfeeding groups for example), but I do feel like a lot of 1st time breastfeeding mums (who are probably commonly first-time mums too), need almost 1:1 support for feeding. I guess if you look back a generation or two that would've generally been your mum/grandma/aunt/sister etc. You do often need someone physically there to take away all the 'other' stuff but also to just sit with you and support you as problems arise feed by feed.

The reality is, particularly if you're in the hospital, you get a 30-second snippet of contradictory advice from a different person each time.

It's such a shame, cause there really is nothing wrong with feeding a baby formula or breastfeeding. But those seem to be the only options presented. Mixed/combi feeding works incredibly well for lots of people. But you're trying to logically figure out what's best for your particular situation whilst you're vulnerable, you're sleep deprived, you're hormonal, possibly in pain, learning several brand new skills...

My friend described breastfeeding as "The hardest natural thing she's ever done". That's how I describe it to people now.

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 09:52

@Kolakalia I've heard that full range of advice given my midwifery staff over the years. It's shocking, dangerous and unfair on new mums.

I work on nicu and we have around 60 staff members who all manage to give consistent advice. I don't understand why midwifery staff are so inconsistent.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:58

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 08:36

I ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks having my son as the induction took forever and then he starved at the breast and was hospitalised for starvation.

The advice we got ranged from downright dangerous (could have killed him if we'd continued to attempt to EBF) to comical. We even made a list of the contradictory advice to include in a complaint. For example:

Offer both breasts at each feed/only offer one so baby gets the rich hind milk
Feed on demand/make sure you feed every 2-3hr whether baby wants it or not
Sleep is important for your supply/if you sleep longer than a couple hours your supply will disappear
Bf shouldn't hurt/if they're latched properly it'll make your toes curl
Never push baby's head to the breast/push his head on so he knows where to go
Use shields/don't use shields
If he's feeding longer than 15m it's just for comfort/let him feed as long as he likes

and so forth. It went on. All within the same ward. It left us utterly confused in such a mess. And despite the reams of advice, not one person would listen to me or believe what I was saying about not producing milk.

How far did you get with your “complaint”?

ridemesideway · 20/12/2022 10:41

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 06:59

Op I have just read the thread.

I can’t promise your breastfeeding situation will improve and it would be irresponsible and daft of me to do so.

what I can do is reassure you that by the time your new baby is a child, this will seem a distant dark memory and you will come across threads like this on mumsnet and it will be you posting that the new mum shouldn’t worry about it and that your child/children is healthy, strong and no worse off for not having been breastfed!

All of this.
I massively regret persisting with an extremely difficult breastfeeding experience. I had no support and it pushed me into PND.
If a new mum wants to BF that’s brilliant but they need to know it can be a gruelling marathon.

Richtea67 · 20/12/2022 10:43

AliceAbsolum · 20/12/2022 05:43

She's being weighed this morning, eep! Terrified all this choking on formula won't have made a difference.
We're now using teats for premature babies and she still gags and coughs! Why?!

I'm pumping and breastfeeding and taking it a few days at a time. I just wish I could turn back time and redo the last few weeks, there is so much I'd do differently. I just assumed as she was feeding so much and having loads of nappies that she was OK. Why didn't all the advice include the basics like "offer both boobs each time"?!

Fingers crossed for you today. I'm not sure what premature teats are like, but we had to use quite elongated teats with our DD who has tounge tie. We found the MAM ones the best, she couldn't get on at all with tommee tippee. I bet you've tried them all though. Also, have you got a 'hospital grade' pump, as I think that makes a difference. The hospital may be able to lend one, or you can hire but they are pricey. I think I mentioned before but in the end I sacked off pumping and put baby to breast as much as possible, using MAM shieldsand topped up with formula. After a few weeks we were able to wean off the shields. Every situation is so unique though, hence needing the specialist consistent advice and support which sadly isn't there for women.

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 11:54

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:58

How far did you get with your “complaint”?

Far. I wasn't able mentally to submit it until a couple of years had passed, but due to the gravity of the content they treated it as though it was within their timeframe to accept and investigate complaints. It went to the chief executive for review and they carried out a full investigation and gave us a full apology along with a report into what went wrong and what they're putting in place to prevent the same happening to other babies. It was handled very well.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 12:59

Re the contradictory advice
no grounds
there is no set advice re breastfeeding from the nhs only that it’s a positive if you are able to. So each midwife is able to give her own view on how to breastfeed

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 12:59

The rest of your experience sounds horrific and shame you only got an apology

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 13:04

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 12:59

The rest of your experience sounds horrific and shame you only got an apology

What do you mean it's a shame I only got an apology? I wasn't looking for anything else other than for them to investigate what went so wrong and change things for the future.

They agreed with me that the advice given was inconsistent and that wasn't acceptable, all of the staff were supposed to have been 'breastfeeding trained' so they recognised that despite this training people were going off piste and giving their own anecdotal information rather than following what they'd been trained to deliver. Unfortunately it wasn't just midwives either, we asked for a specialist breastfeeding supporter to visit and were told everyone is trained just the same so everyone who popped in would offer their own advice, from consultants to the cleaner (not even joking, the cleaner tried to offer advice on my latch).

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 13:20

@Ursuladevine Not necessarily. The trust where I work is BFI accredited across maternity and neonatal. Everyone should be giving the same advice and that wasn't the case.
I suppose other trusts might do things differently.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 13:33

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 13:20

@Ursuladevine Not necessarily. The trust where I work is BFI accredited across maternity and neonatal. Everyone should be giving the same advice and that wasn't the case.
I suppose other trusts might do things differently.

What advice re breastfeeding are they required to stick to?

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 14:01

@Ursuladevine we stick to what's in the BFI course. All staff have to do the same training package from support workers through to consultants.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 17:39

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 14:01

@Ursuladevine we stick to what's in the BFI course. All staff have to do the same training package from support workers through to consultants.

And the guidelines comes down one side clearly on these issues….?

Offer both breasts at each feed/only offer one so baby gets the rich hind milk
Feed on demand/make sure you feed every 2-3hr whether baby wants it or not
Sleep is important for your supply/if you sleep longer than a couple hours your supply will disappear

Bf shouldn't hurt/if they're latched properly it'll make your toes curl
Never push baby's head to the breast/push his head on so he knows where to go
Use shields/don't use shields
If he's feeding longer than 15m it's just for comfort/let him feed as long as he likes

fairgame84 · 20/12/2022 18:24

Yes they are very clear. There's lots of resources on their website.
Offer both sides at each feed.
Feed responsively.
Don't stop the feed if baby is actively sucking.
Guide the baby to the breast once mouth is wide and head tipped back.
Etc etc

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 18:28

Just read.

good read. They follow the unicef 10 steps.

they do not fall down though one side on a number of those questions

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 18:32

Abs this is the guidance from the Royal College of Midwives

Basically says to inform within first hour
but if choice is to bottle free, advise how to make bottle

and no where does it address, not even closely, most of those issues

www.rcm.org.uk/media/2355/pressure-points-infant-feeding.pdf

Beanbagtrap · 21/12/2022 09:43

How was the weight?

AliceAbsolum · 23/12/2022 09:29

She's put on another 80g, so I think we are on the up!

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 23/12/2022 09:58

Great news op!

How're you feeling?

HappinesDependsOnYou · 23/12/2022 11:18

That is great news her weight is on the rise. With the spitting bottle milk are you pace feeding? breast milk slows and speeds up so if you aren't pace feeding she might just be overwhelmed with the speed and quantity of the milk coming out the bottle

Gremlinsateit · 23/12/2022 23:32

Hurray! Well done OP :)

Beanbagtrap · 24/12/2022 09:48

Brilliant!

Chillyallday · 24/12/2022 17:47

Yay! Fantastic news!!

Flittingaboutagain · 25/12/2022 05:18

Congratulations OP.

When I was pumping on top of transitioning to the boob I was told to just give 20ml so the pressure to give such huge amounts is bonkers.

Paced bottle feeding is an anti gag approach including positioning that also ensures baby learns how to self regulate better (which boobing teaches naturally). Hth.

Merry Christmas!