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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents DO have a favourite child

161 replies

KrystynaZ · 09/12/2022 12:05

… but they can't help it?

There are a lot of posts that contain reference to favoritism within families and the resentment it causes… especially at Christmastime.

I am from a family of five siblings... four of us have always suspected that the other (oldest daughter) was the favorite. I never resented this as our parents were very good to all of us. They couldn't help it if they felt more affection towards my sister. And in my mum's culture there is a sort of tradition of the "precious first daughter" — and she accordingly received all the family heirlooms.

So am I right in thinking parents always do have a favorite child—whether it's openly acknowledged or not?

OP posts:
cupcakes12blossom · 09/12/2022 15:10

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 15:02

My parents don’t make it seem like they have a favourite either, but they do (it’s me, and for pretty obvious reasons based on my brothers personality) we are treated the same, loved the same, but let’s just say one of us not being in their lives would be a lot more impactful than the other and they both enjoy spending time with me more.

Most have the ability not to make people feel less than, but do you not think deep down and logically they must prefer one of yours company more than the others?

Show quote history

I genuinely believe my parents don't have a favourite..They want to see us all equally..maybe I'm being naive here, but when I speak to them about seeing my brothers, they are equally as excited as about seeing me..

What I will say is that my brothers are probably closer to each other than they are to me..but that's fine. If I had an emergency, I could call either, but I stand by the fact there is no favoritism on my parents part..

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 15:10

There’s always one child that’s easier to parent than another or there’s always one child that’s difficult to parent.

aSpanielintheworks · 09/12/2022 15:15

My brother was a golden child. He could do no wrong. Mummys boy he got away with so much. If he had any cross words with my Mum, she would take it out on me and not speak to me for weeks - right up till I left home, we are not close as I still really resent it.
I have three of my own now. I have zero favourites. Even if I did I would make absolutely damn sure nobody sensed it. I have a totally different relationship with my children to what I had with my parents thankfully.

ouch321 · 09/12/2022 15:32

YellowTreeHouse · 09/12/2022 12:07

YABU. No, parents don’t have favourites.

They will, however, naturally click more with the children who are more like them or what they’re into. Like with every human you meet, personality types come into play.

But that does not mean those children are the favourite or loved any more than the others.

Well that's a lie.

It was always made v clear to me that there was a favourite and I wasn't it.

Older brother was.

cupcakes12blossom · 09/12/2022 15:49

Flapjackquack · 09/12/2022 15:00

Do you think your siblings would feel the same? I’m not being goady promise! I’m just curious about family dynamics.

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Oh no..it's absolutely fine! I promise 😀

I genuinely believe we'd all say the same..probably if you'd asked at certain points we'd have picked one..at times all of us have needed our parents more than others and at that point we'd have said oh that one is the favourite! But they are there for all of us (as we are for each other)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2022 16:13

What I struggle with is treating them equally when one is consistently naughty and the other is as good as gold. I'm sure the one who is disruptive thinks that the other is my favourite as a result of him being told off more.

Definitely! He'll be on here complaining about it in 30 years Grin

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 16:14

I have 3 kids, 29, 18 and 14 and I’m closer to the oldest but that’s because we were just on our own for a long time. But I don’t have a favourite and genuinely love them all the same

Imonaplane · 09/12/2022 18:49

I have 3 sons who are all adults now. I can honestly say that I have always loved them all equally and have never thought of one as my favourite.

lobsterkiller · 09/12/2022 18:56

My brother is on a pedestal, he can't be arsed to see them often so when they do he's treated like a son returning from war.

My sister lives very close and they're OK with her but I think they're not as nice.

Me? Unless I do a 100 mile trip I don't exist, they never ring or text. Its been 7 months and counting. They're not bothered.

So yeah, it can and does but I suspect not in most families or is not as obvious.

Freeasabird76 · 09/12/2022 19:02

I have 2 girls,the oldest would be adamant youngest is my favourite and vice versa but i genuinely dont have a favourite,i just parent them differently because of the age difference.

Burgoo · 09/12/2022 19:04

Surely they do. I have one but I am under no illusions that if I were to have another that I may well prefer one over the other. For me its all about personalities. You don't have to "like" your child to love them. I think that blinded belief is the reason many parents enable their children's shitty behaviour.

GADDay · 09/12/2022 19:05

With my three I have favourite bit of each

ds1 - his talent and loyalty
ds2 - his easy going, loving nature
dd1 - her friendship and sensitivity

So I can honestly say that I don't have a favourite.

SuperGinger · 09/12/2022 19:05

I could never tell if my parents had a favourite. I don't have a favourite, I love them both but they are are very different. DH's parents had obvious favourites and it is very obvious. DH mum favoured him his dad favoured his sister.

Oysterbabe · 09/12/2022 19:06

I have 3 siblings. Growing up when my parents argued they would always say
'It's true, I swear on Oysterbaby's life'
NEVER any of the others. I was either the favourite or most disposable.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/12/2022 19:13

I always said that when my DM was on her deathbed her last words would be "look after your Brother" but I was my DF's favourite so it worked out really

Thelonelychicken · 09/12/2022 19:35

I definitely think it's more about personalitys too. Me and dd don't get on most of the time she's 13. And we clash alot. My middle child is so chilled never causes a problem my youngest is always trying to make people laugh.

That being said they all have the same amount of time with me and the same amount of clubs ect. Same amount of Xmas presents. Same amount of thought.

Strangeways19 · 09/12/2022 19:47

I think its true that parents will gravitate to one or more child who they click more with, this is just about people and nothing to do with whether you treat your children equal to one another.

I was not a favourite, my DB was definitely the golden child, yet he developed into a drug user, and I am relatively ok, my DM completely ruined him by making him believe that he could do no wrong, and that he was perfection itself. I decided as soon as I could that I was better out of it. I don't think that this is normal, but most families aren't that dysfunctional.

SallyWD · 09/12/2022 19:50

I really don't even though one child is a million times easier than the other. I genuinely love them the same.

Crunchymum · 09/12/2022 19:56

Hand on heart, no. I don't favour one child over another.

My youngest is disabled and whilst doing incredibly well she is globally delayed (aged 5 still in nappies and non verbal) so she gets a lot more of my time because she needs it. I also have to do time and labour intensive things for her such as DLA applications / writing her EHCP / private physio - things I thankfully never had to do with my older kids - but comparatively yes she does get more time and energy.

Someone said in the first few posts, I parent each child differently as they are so different.

I clash most with the child I was most 'attached' to (in terms of parenting style DC2 was much more of an 'attached child' than the other two - she was breastfed and coslept with me until she was 3). We can go from laughing our heads off to being a loggerheads in a moment.

My eldest child is definitely has the most easy going temperament. He is very easy to spend time with, very undemanding etc but I don't find myself gravitating to him any more than the other kids.

AriettyHomily · 09/12/2022 19:59

My parents do. I do not.

SilverGlassHare · 09/12/2022 19:59

I genuinely believe my parents loved their children equally but that they probably favoured me a bit - I was the youngest, a much wanted girl, and a big people pleaser/academic overachiever.

cptartapp · 09/12/2022 20:05

PIL favour SIL. They paid for all her wedding and gave her £10k for a house deposit. DH got nothing for either.
My brother was my DM's favourite despite being a horrific teenager. I think I bore the brunt of her frustration with him.
DH and I are each other's favourites now.

greenerfingers · 09/12/2022 20:10

Thelonelychicken · 09/12/2022 19:35

I definitely think it's more about personalitys too. Me and dd don't get on most of the time she's 13. And we clash alot. My middle child is so chilled never causes a problem my youngest is always trying to make people laugh.

That being said they all have the same amount of time with me and the same amount of clubs ect. Same amount of Xmas presents. Same amount of thought.

This. As children we were always treated pretty equally but some of us gel more with my mum, can make her laugh when upset, advise/take advice, flip her from angry to laughing etc, and same with my dad. It's a personality thing rather than favouritism per se. But the physical/material treatment is always the same.

Some families however do have a 'favourite' child and it's made evident in their day to day lives/choices/gifts etc.

I also think our understanding of equal is important. For me equality is approaching each child according to their needs, eg little brother is more sensitive so parents approach differently as perhaps they did to others, eldest child is more responsible so given extra responsibility/trust etc. For others it might be more black and white everything is exactly the same.

FleasNavidad · 09/12/2022 20:24

"Of all the parents I know with 2 or more children, I don't know a set who DON'T have a blatant favourite."

Really? I don't think most people do

Original poster
KrystynaZ · 10/12/2022 00:59

For me equality is approaching each child according to their needs,

@greenerfingers I think what you are descibing is treating children equitably (according to their needs) rather than equally (all the same). This is the approach my own parents took.

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