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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think parents DO have a favourite child

161 replies

KrystynaZ · 09/12/2022 12:05

… but they can't help it?

There are a lot of posts that contain reference to favoritism within families and the resentment it causes… especially at Christmastime.

I am from a family of five siblings... four of us have always suspected that the other (oldest daughter) was the favorite. I never resented this as our parents were very good to all of us. They couldn't help it if they felt more affection towards my sister. And in my mum's culture there is a sort of tradition of the "precious first daughter" — and she accordingly received all the family heirlooms.

So am I right in thinking parents always do have a favorite child—whether it's openly acknowledged or not?

OP posts:

Chrismingle · 09/12/2022 12:23

I would say that I love all my children equally and treat them completely fairly, but there is one (out of 4) that I am more drawn to. Interestingly it’s because she is very different from me: she has qualities that I would like to have and admire. The others have more qualities that I recognise in myself and perhaps for that reason don’t value as much.

I also think there are many, many families in which there is a clear favourite who is treated better than the others, but the reasons for this vary.

Carryonmarion · 09/12/2022 12:24

I honestly do not have a favourite. My two are totally different, and honestly, I love them completely equally and they know it. DH is definitely PIL's golden child though.

Bestcatmum · 09/12/2022 12:25

Of course they do, I'm right at the bottom of the pile.

WimbyAce · 09/12/2022 12:25

I don't have a favourite, my girls are chalk and cheese so as they get older will be bringing very different elements to the table.
I wouldn't say my parents do either although possibly as the girl I was favoured. My brother is definitely more mothered now though even though he is middle aged!

Chrismingle · 09/12/2022 12:27

My aim is for each of my children to feel like my favourite :)

sneezingpandamum · 09/12/2022 12:28

I love my 3 children equally but at the same time it's different for each one - one is a boy and there is definitely a "different" mother/son feeling - hard to describe. Eldest is my PFB and littlest is my baby - she is cute and hilarious and medically shouldn't exist.

dancingqueen123 · 09/12/2022 12:28

No. I honestly don't.
I love all my kids so much I could burst!

Of course they all THINK someone else is the favourite, more spoiled etc... but I absolutely don't have a favourite.

I do appreciate different things about each of them. Because they are individuals. But the unconditional love is abundant 🤷🏻‍♀️

trampoline123 · 09/12/2022 12:29

Mine changes daily depending who gives the most cuddles and which is better behaved

dancingqueen123 · 09/12/2022 12:29

Chrismingle · 09/12/2022 12:27

My aim is for each of my children to feel like my favourite :)

This!

Elsiebear90 · 09/12/2022 12:29

I think most parents do have a favourite. My parents probably love us equally, but they do have favourites. I think I’m my dad’s favourite as we are very very alike, I think my mum has always favoured my brother slightly, but she won’t admit it, her brother was the golden child and I think that has affected her parenting to some degree. She was a lot harder and more critical of me growing up, my brother was allowed to be incompetent and therefore not expected to do any chores, whereas I was making meals and cleaning the house from age 10.

He left home at 22 and couldn’t even use a washing machine or cook a basic meal. Unfortunately, this carried over into adult life where by my mum highly favoured my brother’s wife over mine and even me to some extent. She could literally do no wrong, but myself and my wife were constantly criticised over the most
minor of things. It all came to a head as SIL was playing off it to cause drama, I decided to speak up because I was fed up and fortunately things have improved since then. I don’t think my mum even realised she was doing it and how messed up it was.

My BIL is absolutely the golden child and my wife is the scapegoat, that’s a whole other story.

MrsHughesPinny · 09/12/2022 12:31

I definitely have a favourite. Luckily for everyone, he’s also my only child!

Pictograph · 09/12/2022 12:32

I don't think my parents have a favourite - think they find me easier than my brother, but they love us equally. I don't either!

dolorsit · 09/12/2022 12:33

I have a favourite - it's whoever made me a hot drink last.

Eldest dd is likely to be going to university next year so thinks that is a bit unfair. I pointed out that she could make all my drinks when home and permanently be favourite when home.

Youngest dd said never happen as she is the hot chocolate queen.

TodayIsFridayHooray · 09/12/2022 12:33

YellowTreeHouse · 09/12/2022 12:07

YABU. No, parents don’t have favourites.

They will, however, naturally click more with the children who are more like them or what they’re into. Like with every human you meet, personality types come into play.

But that does not mean those children are the favourite or loved any more than the others.

Totally agree with this.

I have two boys that I love enormously! One is a lot like me, so very easy to be around because I 'get him'. I share his interests and understand how his little personality works. I have to work a bit harder with the other one, to show my interest in his interests and understand and learn about him. But, my gosh they both mean the world to me. When I watch them sleeping I could not imagine life without either of them. Absolutely no favourites.

Notanotherone6 · 09/12/2022 12:33

No, I don't have a favourite. I have 5, all girls. On certain days I like some of them more than others, but I couldn't pick one and say they're my favourite. They're all different and all have unique qualities.

iknowhimsowell · 09/12/2022 12:36

I sort of do, and I only have two - one of each. I've also felt (and still feel) incredibly guilty and I wish I didn't have a favourite as I worry at some point they will work it out. I do wonder if I had another it would become clear that it's just a different sort of relationship depending on whether a boy or a girl. But I worry more about my youngest than my eldest, definitely.

ChristmasBallBall · 09/12/2022 12:36

I honestly honestly don't favour any of my DC over the other. They are all so different, but that make it easier for me to love them all as individuals.

I do feel quite sad when people admit they have a favourite.

autienotnaughty · 09/12/2022 12:37

I love my 3 children equally but I have different relationships with each of them. I clash with eldest, have a easy going relationship with middle one. Youngest is significantly younger plus has Sen so I have a very different relationship with him.

BigglyBee · 09/12/2022 12:38

All of my children are convinced that they are the favourite. They joke about it, and ask me to admit that I love them the most. I tell them that they are all ratbags and I am irritated by them equally.(They know I'm joking!).

There are naturally times when one needs more attention than the others, or more support, or I spend more money on them. But I think it evens out in the end. They are all so special that I genuinely couldn't pick one as my favourite. Even if I wanted to (which I don't) it's also not a thought I would ever allow myself to have.

Their father is another matter, unfortunately. He has a very blatant favourite, and he sees no harm in that. I try to balance it out, but it's hard. The saddest thing is that he has a worse relationship with all of them because he favours just one.

Parky04 · 09/12/2022 12:40

Love both equally, just have more in common with one of them.

Ylvamoon · 09/12/2022 12:41

I love my 2 equally- why wouldn't I?
They are my babies, they depend on me for their survival.

But on a day to day basis my "favourite" is usually the one that anoys me the least!
Luckily for them, that can change hourly as they are definitely in sync for naughty / nice!

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2022 12:42

My dad definitely does. He doesn't even attempt to hide it.

We all joke and laugh about it, though.

(It's not me - it's my middle brother)

TheScenicWay · 09/12/2022 12:46

Out of the parents I know, only 1 blatantly has a favourite child. It's so obvious the way she speaks about this dc compared to the others.
I don't have a favourite but dc2 needs different parenting than dc1, who has a calmer temperament, has a good work ethic to education and life in general. Dc2 is convinced dc1 is the favourite but it's not true. Dh has such a soft spot for dc1, due to his outgoing personality and cheekiness, as do the extended family generally.

horseyhorsey17 · 09/12/2022 12:50

YANBU. It's clear from so many family dynamics - including my own - that there's a favourite child in many, if not most families. It's just taboo even to acknowledge it.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 09/12/2022 12:50

I'm an only child and still not my mum's favourite.

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