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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents DO have a favourite child

161 replies

KrystynaZ · 09/12/2022 12:05

… but they can't help it?

There are a lot of posts that contain reference to favoritism within families and the resentment it causes… especially at Christmastime.

I am from a family of five siblings... four of us have always suspected that the other (oldest daughter) was the favorite. I never resented this as our parents were very good to all of us. They couldn't help it if they felt more affection towards my sister. And in my mum's culture there is a sort of tradition of the "precious first daughter" — and she accordingly received all the family heirlooms.

So am I right in thinking parents always do have a favorite child—whether it's openly acknowledged or not?

OP posts:
EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 13:41

I don't think so, generally, no.

I do think children can feel that one is a favourite without it being so though. Parents obviously play a part in this.

I know my DD feels that her brother is my favourite. He is not, absolutely not. I love them both exactly the same. Its difficult though because me and DD clash in a way me and DS don't. He is also naturally more clingy/ affectionate, she was always very independent. I would say I definitely go more oout of my way to please her than him though, so maybe he feels the same. It's complicated and equal does not always = fair and vica versa.

ThePoshUns · 09/12/2022 13:41

I don't.

TheKeatingFive · 09/12/2022 13:42

It's very common for people to say that their own parents did, but they don't. My conclusion is that individuals aren't necessarily the best judge of their own behaviour here.

Lindy2 · 09/12/2022 13:44

I have an easier and a very much more difficult child.

Our relationships are different because of that. It doesn't mean I have a favourite or love one more than another though.

PopsicleHustler · 09/12/2022 13:46

My mother made it known one of my siblings, was her favourite, and then to try and not make me upset said to me , but you have always been your daddys favourite. What made it worse, our eldest sibling wasn't even mentioned.

I have 5 kids, and they are all equally special and loved in their own unique way. No one is different, no one is better. They are all the best and very good with one another.

Flapjackquack · 09/12/2022 13:47

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/12/2022 12:12

Of all the parents I know with 2 or more children, I don't know a set who DON'T have a blatant favourite.

I came to say this. I think lots of parents genuinely think they don’t but as an outsider looking in it’s normally pretty obvious they do, even if it’s subconscious.

I have a favourite, luckily he is an only child 😁

Greyskyblue · 09/12/2022 13:50

Not all parents. I don’t. My children joke that the cat is the favourite child.

My mum is rather toxic and loves playing divide and rule. My sister and I grew up convinced that the other was her favourite. My mum blatantly has a favourite GC, my oldest DC. My MIL also has an obvious favourite (not one of my kids).

longestlurkerever · 09/12/2022 13:51

Genuinely no, I'm surprised at this. My children are very different and one is "easier" than the other, and more like me, but that doesn't mean I love her sister less. She keeps me on my toes but I'm in awe of her - she's so funny and creative. They're equally great in different ways.

TR888 · 09/12/2022 13:51

Some parents do, others don't. What I do think can happen is that you have a favourite child to do certain things with. For example, if one of your children likes art and you do too, you might enjoy doing that activity with that child more. But then you might prefer to cook with the other child, if they love cooking.

The other issue is that some children are more demonstrative with their parents than others. They want more time with them, for example, whilst others prefer to be on their own in their room - therefore parents inevitably get to spend more time with one child over the other. But that's the children's choice and not the parents' necessarily.

Flapjackquack · 09/12/2022 13:51

All the people saying you don’t have a favourite, did your parents have a favourite?

nothingmuchaboutjerry · 09/12/2022 13:53

I dislike my teen greatly at the moment. Doesn't make me love her little sister any more. So I don't think I have a favourite, I just find one more favourable than the other at times depending how much of a pain they are.

Godwindar · 09/12/2022 13:54

I absolutely don't have a favourite. And my kids get it now they are older, if I say to them who is your favourite parent or which is your favourite pet, they immedaitely look horrified and wouldn't be able to pick. You can definitely have moments when you feel closer to one child over another or one is being difficult. But it doesn't change how you would treat them and it wouldn't lead to favouring.

I could actually pick between pets as it happens but I'm not a massive animal lover and I am forced to live with loads of them.

Unforgettablefire · 09/12/2022 13:55

Yes, some do. And it messes people up for life, including the favoured one.

iklboo · 09/12/2022 13:58

We definitely have a favourite. He's an only child though, so there's not much competition apart from the cats.

Mamoun · 09/12/2022 13:59

RonObvious · 09/12/2022 12:08

Can't say in general. I don't have a favourite though. Both of my two have their strengths and weaknesses, and I enjoy spending time with them in different ways. They also wind me up in different ways. And require different methods of parenting. It's pretty hard to compare, really.

This

longestlurkerever · 09/12/2022 13:59

Flapjackquack · 09/12/2022 13:51

All the people saying you don’t have a favourite, did your parents have a favourite?

No, pretty similar story there. Dsis was sparkier and more outgoing but I was more bookish and had more interests in common. I felt we were each appreciated for what we brought to the table!

Floralnomad · 09/12/2022 14:00

I don’t think my parents had a favourite , although our eldest sister got away with much more than myself and the middle one however we since found out why that was . I don’t have a favourite between our 2 ( adults) but they would both say that the dog is my favourite .

Cornelious · 09/12/2022 14:01

I do but I only have one! I'm one of 5, and whilst I don't think my parents have a favourite, they have probably treated one more favourably- but I'd have done the same as that sibling needed more financial and emotional support.

When I look around I do see favouritism within families, and it's always towards the easiest, most agreeable child.

DidyouNO · 09/12/2022 14:02

I have four. Absolutely no favourites.

Ringmaster27 · 09/12/2022 14:02

I don’t have a favourite.
But I do have one that’s generally easier to parent than the others.
They all have individual personality traits that I absolutely adore, and they all have personality traits that make me want to put them in the bin 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Eranzer · 09/12/2022 14:05

I have four, I have a different favourite each day. Generally depends on whoever's being the least argumentative that day Grin

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 09/12/2022 14:09

Every parent in the world will swear they don't have a favourite

Most people in the world will swear their parents did

Both of these can't be true 😂

I personally think most parents do have favourites but it's such a massive taboo they can't admit it even to themselves

TheKeatingFive · 09/12/2022 14:10

I personally think most parents do have favourites but it's such a massive taboo they can't admit it even to themselves

Agreed

EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 14:12

@Flapjackquack no, I genuinely don't think so. I remember in my childhood feeling treated unfairly or at times like my brother was given preferrential treatment. I remember feeling jealous at time. But at no point did I feel they liked him more than me/ liked me less.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2022 14:16

I think it is not unusual - I mean some people are more likeable/loveable than others. Whereas some people are difficult/needy/tiresome. A parent may grit their teeth and smile at both children, but they won't be blind to the difference.

Whenever I see someone on Mumsnet muttering about Golden Child and Scapegoat, it makes me wonder if they were a bit difficult and unappealing as a child. I've never seen parents favour a whiny sulky child over a cheerful one.

My younger brother would be the favourite with my parents (and everyone else!), then me, then my older brother