To think parents DO have a favourite child

[KrystynaZ]

… but they can't help it?

There are a lot of posts that contain reference to favoritism within families and the resentment it causes… especially at Christmastime.

I am from a family of five siblings... four of us have always suspected that the other (oldest daughter) was the favorite. I never resented this as our parents were very good to all of us. They couldn't help it if they felt more affection towards my sister. And in my mum's culture there is a sort of tradition of the "precious first daughter" — and she accordingly received all the family heirlooms.

So am I right in thinking parents always do have a favorite child—whether it's openly acknowledged or not?

I have 5. None of them are my favourite. They are all equally lovely, and equally annoying.

When they were younger I liked whoever was quietest and well behaved the best. Now they are older I just love them all equally because they're all doing brilliantly and are lovely (ok, they have their moments, but generally they're great)

I never really thought my parents had a favourite either, out of me and my brother. There was some unfairness, but mainly due to my parents being "boys will be boys" at stuff my brother did while I got punished for doing the same thing. Although that could be because I was the oldest as well. (Stuff like getting a detention, coming home later than allowed etc)

This is a nasty post. Family dynamics are incredibly complex. As a parent none of your children are “unappealing” what a horrible comment to make. In my family I’m not the favourite and neither is my sister because we don’t have penises. There is a reason they stopped at my brother, they finally got the “heir” they wanted. Or perhaps my sister and I are just twats 🤷‍♀️

Some parents perhaps have favourites, we didn't and still don't.

What we did have, was children with different needs. The nature and degree of their needs varied throughout their childhoods, and still do in adulthood. Because their needs were so different , we tried to meet them in very different ways.

Now they are all adults , they still need different things from us ( just not the same ones they did as children). We don't treat them identically , we treat them as individuals. It's nothing to do with favouritism.

Completely disagree you can tell this from the outside looking in with any certainty.
I think some parents have a favourite but I don't think this statement is true. That's like saying you can tell the state of someone's marriage from the outside looking in.
My dd needs me much more in a way my ds doesn't, to someone looking on that might look like she was my favourite but she isn't. I adore them both and they both know that and that's what counts.

I also believed some parents like kids that are easier to parent more than others. I have 3 and they are all impressive but also annoying in equal measures, so I can't even tell who my favourite is.

If my DH and his siblings took a look at their mother who is very equal minded in terms of treatment down to the number of visits and time spent with grandchildren. They would still jokingly insist my DH is her favourite.

I said the same to my daughter in jest. We had a very frank conversation about it. I said joking aside, please tell me if you ever feel I'm picking favourites. She said I never made her feel like that (phew) but that she wishes her grandparents (both sides) wouldn't make their favouritism so outwardly obvious. I love how insightful teenagers can be. All my children are different and I don't love one more than the other. I probably piss each of them off in equal measures too!

I love my dds equally but they have different needs so I suppose it might look like one is favoured over another at different times. My eldest is physically well but extremely sensitive and needs a lot of assurance, my younger is often physically unwell with ongoing health issues but is extremely resilient. At different times they need different levels of support but they are both completely equally loved. That might change when they become teenagers 😂

I’m going to say YABU because not every parent will have a favourite but I do think that some parents do have clear favouritism to one child and I wouldn’t say it’s rare… for example it is clear MIL favours DH to my SIL.

It’s also clear that my gran favourites me and my siblings to other her other grandchildren.

I’m not sure if it is a bigger love, because I would like to think that a parent loves their children the same. But it might just be that they live closer, see this certain child more etc or have more in common.

I have no DC yet (have a little DS on the way) so can’t comment myself, however as an outsider looking in it is so clear that about 25% of parents have a favourite 😂

I don’t know anyone with more than one child that doesn’t have a favourite. Which child that is might change based on life stage but I am in agreement with you.

Its simple facts, in a group of 4 people you’re going to like or want to spend time with one more, no one ever likes people equally, the same applies to children.

This is the best answer I have read on this sort of thread @Stressedmum2017 .

From my own experience some children are just easier to get along with and some are really difficult to be around sometimes(I'm talking about my own 3 here). It's a personality clash I think rather than preferring a certain child. After all who wants to be around someone who constantly pushes your buttons?

I love all my children the same, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of certain ones more than others because my youngest has definitely inherited my argumentative personality which I find difficult and I now have more empathy for my own parents.

As the youngest of three, I'd say there is no way my parents have a favourite! If they do, they don't show it..

Find it sad to think some parents do!

Some inevitably do. I’ve always felt my brother was my Mum’s favourite. She’d never admit to it but it’s a general vibe I’ve always had. We don’t really have much in common- she isn’t very smart, she likes totally different things to me, she’s extremely extroverted and loves nothing more than a social gathering whereas I’m the intellectual introvert who absolutely detests socialising. My brother is more like her and they’ve subsequently always got on better and had a closer relationship.

I don’t have a favourite with my DC at all. I’m more anxious about DC4 than the others because he was born after two really horrible miscarriages so I didn’t think he’d ever be born at all. It doesn’t mean he’s my favourite by any means, I just have a lot of anxiety with him which doesn’t exist with the others. I accept it’s a problem.

Do you think, logically, it’s possible to equally like three people with different personalities?

My mom always told me that of course she had a favourite - it just changed daily (sometimes hourly). It checks out looking back at my childhood, and likely still holds true now that we're in our late twenties/early thirties.

My mum and dad definitely have a favourite out of me and my 3 sisters.

Not the same child either, they have a blatant favourite each 😂

Some do. I'm my father's favourite. My brother is my mother's. This is just a known thing in our family. We both have cards from particular parents addressed to "my favourite child". It's probably not the healthiest dynamic, but when you grow up with it you don't really realize.

I don't have a favourite, but I do have a different relationship with both my kids. They're both a lot like me, but in different ways. My daughter has my independent streak and my son definitely inherited my nerdy science loves. We relate to each other differently, but I genuinely love them both equally.

I don't have an overall favourite. But sometimes when one of them has been a bit of a ratbag I temporarily prefer one or the other

As I said my parents do not clearly have a favourite child. And the three of us are all so very different..like you say logically it isn't possible, but I stand by the fact they don't. My brothers would say exactly the same..

I appreciate we are lucky in that none of us feel the others are favourites..

I do not have favourites but I do have a different relationship with all of my children and with my grandchildren and would not have it any other way

Do you think your siblings would feel the same? I’m not being goady promise! I’m just curious about family dynamics.

Oh sorry @cupcakes12blossom - wrong poster!

My parents don’t make it seem like they have a favourite either, but they do (it’s me, and for pretty obvious reasons based on my brothers personality) we are treated the same, loved the same, but let’s just say one of us not being in their lives would be a lot more impactful than the other and they both enjoy spending time with me more.

Most have the ability not to make people feel less than, but do you not think deep down and logically they must prefer one of yours company more than the others?

Not here. I have various from those who are always good tempered and lovely, to those who are grumpy and rude (to me at least). I love them equally. I know what the grumpy one has suffered. I feel the same joy listening to him laughing as I do talking to the lovely one.

They didn’t choose their personality or life experience which has made them who they are. It’s like saying which limb do you like most? I need them all!

No worries..every family is different..my closest friend is the eldest of two and the other one is so blatantly the favourite..other friend the eldest of four and again I'd say there is no favourite..

I don't have a favourite.

I do, however, have one who is incredibly easy to parent and one who is not.

What I struggle with is treating them equally when one is consistently naughty and the other is as good as gold. I'm sure the one who is disruptive thinks that the other is my favourite as a result of him being told off more.