DD homeless abroad

[EmilioSoup]

Okay, I’m prepared to be told my daughter needs to toughen up and I’m getting too involved but I’ve had her on the phone in absolute bits.

My 18 year old DD moved to Canada 8 weeks ago, on a temporary travel visa. Got a job in a hotel with staff accommodation, just near the hotel. We were so, so proud of her and thought it was a brilliant opportunity. They really liked her during interview.

She hasn’t had the best luck of it, and got struck down with influenza a week in, requiring an A&E visit (she’s insured, thank god). She was first taken ill at work, having fainted, they allowed her to leave to seek medical attention but nobody offered her a lift. Not saying anybody owes her a lift, but I think it’s common decency. She had a week off, was pressured into returning whilst still ill. Unfortunately the virus has caused some long-term side effects for her, such as thyroid problems, and she’s been struggling.

Yesterday, she had a performance review. She has had no feedback previously, had no inclination that anything was wrong. The review was terrible. I have seen a screenshot of the written review she was presented with, these are direct quoted:

“X seems to lack basic social skills, struggling in interactions with guests. She is robotic. We suggest X seeks support for this and an assessment.” (This seems to be implying that my daughter has ASD or something? She certainly doesn’t! Has always had many friends and been fine in school and other customer facing jobs! ASD has never, ever been on anybody’s radar. How can they think it’s okay to say this in a work review?)

“X causes other staff members stress due to her incapabilities. Newer staff members are a lot more capable than X. X is a hindrance on every shift she is on.”

“X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality.”

Among other stuff. She was the told she was dismissed, and had to be out of the staff accommodation that night with nowhere else to go. She called me in absolute bits. Luckily she has savings and has gone to a hotel, but it’s in a very expensive area and hotel is £350 a night. She has about £2000 left. She is trying to find another job with staff accommodation last minute but if nothing comes up, she will have to book a flight home. I have told her that once her savings get down to below £1000, she needs to come home as we don’t have the means to send her money for an emergency flight back on once she can no longer afford the hotel. So likely she will be home in the next few days.

DD is devastated about the work review and feels it went too far, and that it was a character assassination. Maybe it isn’t the job for her, fair enough, but I think the comments are incredibly cruel and they should’ve given her more notice to sort out alternative accommodation. She spent so much money on this visa, and was so excited to go, and she is heartbroken. They don’t owe her a job and home, of course they don’t, but had they handled it differently she probably could have sorted out a new job with staff housing, as there is plenty of it in the town. I don’t know why I’m posting on AIBU as I expect to be told she’s an adult, isn’t owed anything etc etc but I am heartbroken. She has had mental health issues before and this was supposed to be the making of her, and her confidence has been destroyed.

But if she can get that sorted ASAP and can still afford to come home if its shit, she's left on her own terms rather than because she "failed" and had to leave.

But if she can get that sorted ASAP and can still afford to come home if its shit, she's left on her own terms rather than because she "failed" and had to leave

Exactly. Much better that it's a decision that she makes herself, that she feels is the right one, than her hand being forced and her feeling worse and her confidence being knocked.

OK, you believe she wasn’t warned… but is she saying she was continually saying she was sick or late? That the review is a lie?
It’s a lot for a young adult to admit that they “messed up” (she’s ill, she hasn’t).
Because she returned so quickly after flu (actual flu) into a physical and probably shift hours job, and you say she’s struggled with health problems since then post viral fatigue would very much fit with her being chronically late for work.

Can you afford to pay for her to have a week in a hostel not looking for work? Just sleeping?

My sincere sympathies. I completely agree with you that this plan could have been great. It's nonsense that she is too young. And it's not as though you are not on the end of the phone.

The employer sounds ghastly - that is clearly not good management and I'm not surprised it has punched her confidence. Some employers do that to one and it is often hard to leave as your confidence gets ground down along the way. Thank goodness she hasn't been forced to stick it out for a full 6 months being slowly miserable. Gap years are for building social confidence and that would have been the reverse.

It sounds like she has decent funds in the bank. Might I suggest she gets on a plane somewhere warm and just do a bit of backpacking for a while and encounter the kindness of strangers . I did a fair bit of this in my twenties and it built my confidence and people skills no end- plus I learnt to be punctual to trains and buses like never before! Somewhere cheap and less structured than expensive developed nations- which I always found much less friendly and lonely to travel round (and harder to meet buddies in hostels/train).

She can then return with a bit of confidence in a few months and earn money in the later part of her gap year. After the horrors of the last years of Covid and exams she probably needs a break now anyway.

Had she any previous experience of hospitality? It sounds like a mismatch of expectations and perhaps they had over staffed. I would suggest she fly home, get well and regroup. What does she hope to do in future?

Also, the risk if if she runs out of money, we can’t bail her out and send her more for a flight home. We are on our knees financially ourselves. We have nobody to ask. It would be a bloody disaster.

If it’s £100 on the airport shuttle she should surly pay that right now and get out of the town that has no vacancies and such expensive hotel rooms. Going to a bigger city will buy her an extra few days surely and more chance to find work?

Poor kid. Poor mum. I'm sorry this happened.

Oh and yes- 2k should be enough for a decent 2 months of backpacking at least (pos even longer). It's always better on a shoestring anyway

Wow! You must be so proud of her for making such a big decision. To even get all the necessities sorted before arriving must have been challenging enough - well done that just barely an adult abroad!
I think it's scary being a mum or dad when this happens. Reasonable to suggest she books a flight back at one Grand if there's no alternative funds.
Can she look at alternative houseshares in say whistler?

This. What a mess

Is it Banff? There’s dorm rooms showing cheap, not idea but some rooms are small with not loads of beds.

Why doesn't she spend the money on a train fare to a city and spend a few days in a hostel job hunting - far cheaper than£350 a night!

I’m of the opinion she should come home, and have a bit of a rest. Then go to her old job (who loved her and would have her back, they’ve said so). She can build up some more funds then, and then will still have some time to do a bit more travelling before uni if she’s up to it. I’d probably recommend she doesn’t bother with the working aspect, and instead just gets a mate to interrail Europe with her or something.

It’s a tough position to be in and I do feel for her. However, while the notes about being robotic and incompetent are very personal there are also some issues that are more clear cut around punctuality and sick time.

It sounds to me like she might be overwhelmed and it’s showing. If it is in a ski area then they are probably thinking it’s better to part ways before ski season fully amps up.
The point about service standards is correct, there is an expectation that you are super friendly / helpful etc. It’s very different than the UK.

There’s a huge service industry shortage here so I’m sure she’ll find something else. Let her try. You have a plan in place.

Does she have a credit card for emergencies? Obviously not ideal, but maybe necessary.

Oh bless her. It was very brave of her to go out there to live and work on her own at only 18, I’m 25 and I’d be scared! I’d be very proud if that were my daughter, regardless of the outcome. Shit happens, it wasn’t her fault. Sounds like they were trying to make up any crap up to get rid of her due to her sick leave absence (which wasn’t her fault). Tell her to come home, save a bit more money and maybe try again before her visa expires, or wait to go somewhere else. It was a big adventure, she’s so young she has plenty of opportunity to do more travelling.

Unfortunately the virus has caused some long-term side effects for her, such as thyroid problems, and she’s been struggling.

out of interest - what long term side effects? I am surprised thyroid problems have already been identified just 6/7 weeks after the virus

Firstly, my sympathies honour to you, this is a bit of a worst nightmare to happen to a young and vulnerable dd.

This is where I worry about the next generation, my own daughters included. They think it's okay to be incapacitated and that the world will continue to revolve around them. They have made those demands of us as parents based on their peer group, social media, and their expectations.

I don't think we have necessarily made them this way as parents which is why I say they have demanded it. But they have got away with it in my case, as I have supported my girls through all kinds of period problems, sickness, mental health problems etc.

However, the real world is much less sympathetic. If you're new and you don't deliver, you will not necessarily be supported or given the benefit of the doubt. You really have to sink or swim. Strangers will be kind for the short term, but they're not going to carry you forever.

It sounds like they have made some snap judgements and cruel assumptions, but this is what the real world can be like.

I'd encourage her to take what money she has and spend it as frugally as possible. Get immediate transport to a better location, more urban, and see if she can make any progress.thats if she can pick herself up and carry on. Not easy.

@Goodgrief82

Her white blood cell count was low when she went to hospital when first taken ill. They were concerned about that (that was incredibly worrying for her in itself), the health system in Canada seems very on the ball and she was given follow up appointments to monitor her white blood cells. Her white blood cell count did improve and it was determined it was just viral. She still was feeling ill at her latest follow up so they did a full blood panel and found ‘raised thryoid levels’, they believe it to be temporary though.

She just wanted a nice 6 month long job in living in the mountains (where the hotel is) and making friends, having fun. Going to Calgary and scrimping and saving to get a flat share and looking for another job there seems like a waste of what’s supposed to be a gap year to have fun before uni.

I'm not being funny OP, but maybe at age 18 she expected more fun and less work and that led to poor performance at her job as well as the fact she was ill very early on? The performance review is pretty brutal but it may be spot on. In particular the statement ''X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality'' is pretty clear and I find it hard to believe that she wasn't at least told off every time she was late for work. They should have given her time to get out of the accommodation I completely agree, but it does sound that they thought she was completely unsuitable for the job she was doing unfortunately.

She is only 18 and it was a big thing to go so far from home, with little real life experience of living on her own. You seem to have encouraged her that it would be fun, from you based on the statement above? Yes - she could have had some fun - but work had to come first surely, since she needed the job to finance most of her stay?

My daughter, in her early 20's went abroad to work as a holiday rep. She did, ultimately, enjoy herself, got to experience different cultures and made lots of friends who she still talks to. She also learned Greek. But initially, I lost count of the number of tearful phone calls home, where 'everything is just awful and I need to come home '. My reaction was to tell her that she was more than welcome to come home but also to suggest that she gave it another week or two, made practical suggestions about dealing with the specific problem every time, but to reassure her that it was entirely her choice I would support her, whatever she chose to do. Every time, a week or two later she had settled down, problems had melted away and she DID have a good time - but she also worked extremely hard when she was on duty and 'had fun' on her times off. But she was older than your daughter.

I can't see why going to Calgary, scrimping to get a flat share or whatever is a waste: she can still get experience - and as I already said, this kind of gap year still requires hard work in between the 'fun' times. It would be better for her, in my opinion, if she can make a go of it being out there rather than turning tail and running home? But you know your daughter best

She has had mental health issues before and this was supposed to be the making of her

Someone said that about me with a particular job and it doesn't always work (definitely didn't for me.) If an experience is more stress then it will expose more issues with a person's mental health, rather than resolve them.

Having said that, a lot of it does just sound like she was ill which effected her performance.

@EmilioSoup your posts are all about what you want, and what you think she should do. Totally understandable that you want her to be safe and protected. But this isn't about you.

What does she want, and how can you help facilitate that?

@Mummieslncorporated

She wants to give it her best shot at finding a job in the town, but otherwise does want to come home.

As there is no financial plan b for your dd, she needs to get herself home asap. Buying a long haul flight last minute can be eye wateringly expensive, more than she paid to get out there. I often fly to California and last minute tickets at full whack can easily be +1800 dollars. She's in a very precarious position if you can't help her financially.

Once she is home, dd can get better and make a new plan. There are still lots of possibilities.

With physical and mental health not totally robust and limited money, your dd is at risk alone and far away.

I was guessing Banff. There should be a youth hostel there, but my knowledge is old. Get her in a hostel for a few nights then I would bus to vancouver and take it from there. There are youth hostes. Or try and seek a job at whistler. Depends on her desire to make it work I guess. 350 a night on a hotel is a tad ridiculous.