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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD homeless abroad

432 replies

EmilioSoup · 08/12/2022 18:44

Okay, I’m prepared to be told my daughter needs to toughen up and I’m getting too involved but I’ve had her on the phone in absolute bits.

My 18 year old DD moved to Canada 8 weeks ago, on a temporary travel visa. Got a job in a hotel with staff accommodation, just near the hotel. We were so, so proud of her and thought it was a brilliant opportunity. They really liked her during interview.

She hasn’t had the best luck of it, and got struck down with influenza a week in, requiring an A&E visit (she’s insured, thank god). She was first taken ill at work, having fainted, they allowed her to leave to seek medical attention but nobody offered her a lift. Not saying anybody owes her a lift, but I think it’s common decency. She had a week off, was pressured into returning whilst still ill. Unfortunately the virus has caused some long-term side effects for her, such as thyroid problems, and she’s been struggling.

Yesterday, she had a performance review. She has had no feedback previously, had no inclination that anything was wrong. The review was terrible. I have seen a screenshot of the written review she was presented with, these are direct quoted:

“X seems to lack basic social skills, struggling in interactions with guests. She is robotic. We suggest X seeks support for this and an assessment.” (This seems to be implying that my daughter has ASD or something? She certainly doesn’t! Has always had many friends and been fine in school and other customer facing jobs! ASD has never, ever been on anybody’s radar. How can they think it’s okay to say this in a work review?)

“X causes other staff members stress due to her incapabilities. Newer staff members are a lot more capable than X. X is a hindrance on every shift she is on.”

“X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality.”

Among other stuff. She was the told she was dismissed, and had to be out of the staff accommodation that night with nowhere else to go. She called me in absolute bits. Luckily she has savings and has gone to a hotel, but it’s in a very expensive area and hotel is £350 a night. She has about £2000 left. She is trying to find another job with staff accommodation last minute but if nothing comes up, she will have to book a flight home. I have told her that once her savings get down to below £1000, she needs to come home as we don’t have the means to send her money for an emergency flight back on once she can no longer afford the hotel. So likely she will be home in the next few days.

DD is devastated about the work review and feels it went too far, and that it was a character assassination. Maybe it isn’t the job for her, fair enough, but I think the comments are incredibly cruel and they should’ve given her more notice to sort out alternative accommodation. She spent so much money on this visa, and was so excited to go, and she is heartbroken. They don’t owe her a job and home, of course they don’t, but had they handled it differently she probably could have sorted out a new job with staff housing, as there is plenty of it in the town. I don’t know why I’m posting on AIBU as I expect to be told she’s an adult, isn’t owed anything etc etc but I am heartbroken. She has had mental health issues before and this was supposed to be the making of her, and her confidence has been destroyed.

OP posts:
TheTartfulLodger · 09/12/2022 17:47

EmilioSoup · 08/12/2022 19:03

@PacificallyRequested

You don’t need a flight booked, it’s a 2 year visa. You just have to show you have enough money for one.

Which she won't have if she doesn't pull her finger out and get home asap without racking anymore hotel bills up in the vain hope that even though you told her you can't bail her out, you might magically find some money to send her when shes down to her last few dollars. I think this needs more than a tearful phone call unfortunately and more of a stop messing about and get your ass back home now kind of phone call.

CPL593H · 09/12/2022 17:49

EmilioSoup · 08/12/2022 18:44

Okay, I’m prepared to be told my daughter needs to toughen up and I’m getting too involved but I’ve had her on the phone in absolute bits.

My 18 year old DD moved to Canada 8 weeks ago, on a temporary travel visa. Got a job in a hotel with staff accommodation, just near the hotel. We were so, so proud of her and thought it was a brilliant opportunity. They really liked her during interview.

She hasn’t had the best luck of it, and got struck down with influenza a week in, requiring an A&E visit (she’s insured, thank god). She was first taken ill at work, having fainted, they allowed her to leave to seek medical attention but nobody offered her a lift. Not saying anybody owes her a lift, but I think it’s common decency. She had a week off, was pressured into returning whilst still ill. Unfortunately the virus has caused some long-term side effects for her, such as thyroid problems, and she’s been struggling.

Yesterday, she had a performance review. She has had no feedback previously, had no inclination that anything was wrong. The review was terrible. I have seen a screenshot of the written review she was presented with, these are direct quoted:

“X seems to lack basic social skills, struggling in interactions with guests. She is robotic. We suggest X seeks support for this and an assessment.” (This seems to be implying that my daughter has ASD or something? She certainly doesn’t! Has always had many friends and been fine in school and other customer facing jobs! ASD has never, ever been on anybody’s radar. How can they think it’s okay to say this in a work review?)

“X causes other staff members stress due to her incapabilities. Newer staff members are a lot more capable than X. X is a hindrance on every shift she is on.”

“X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality.”

Among other stuff. She was the told she was dismissed, and had to be out of the staff accommodation that night with nowhere else to go. She called me in absolute bits. Luckily she has savings and has gone to a hotel, but it’s in a very expensive area and hotel is £350 a night. She has about £2000 left. She is trying to find another job with staff accommodation last minute but if nothing comes up, she will have to book a flight home. I have told her that once her savings get down to below £1000, she needs to come home as we don’t have the means to send her money for an emergency flight back on once she can no longer afford the hotel. So likely she will be home in the next few days.

DD is devastated about the work review and feels it went too far, and that it was a character assassination. Maybe it isn’t the job for her, fair enough, but I think the comments are incredibly cruel and they should’ve given her more notice to sort out alternative accommodation. She spent so much money on this visa, and was so excited to go, and she is heartbroken. They don’t owe her a job and home, of course they don’t, but had they handled it differently she probably could have sorted out a new job with staff housing, as there is plenty of it in the town. I don’t know why I’m posting on AIBU as I expect to be told she’s an adult, isn’t owed anything etc etc but I am heartbroken. She has had mental health issues before and this was supposed to be the making of her, and her confidence has been destroyed.

It makes perfect sense to me. She had the guts to do this by herself, she got ill through no fault of her own, it is something you'll all laugh about one day, but she needs to be safely home and try again another time soon.

gourmetperle · 09/12/2022 17:50

I reckon when she gets home she should rest for a month, then go back to her old job for a while to save more money then go interrailing or something before she starts uni 😀

CPL593H · 09/12/2022 17:51

(Sorry, quoted wrong post but hope it makes sense @EmilioSoup !)

okayah · 09/12/2022 17:54

OP, im glad your daughter is coming home, looks like it maybe a good chance to reset. I think she was really brave to do this, i did something similiar at her age and spent a year as an AuPair in US, it was honestly the making of me and an excellent experience. Maybe is something to look into as an alternative, as she could have the backing of an organisation too? www.aupairinamerica.com/

bewilderedhedgehog · 09/12/2022 17:55

This is very difficult, but I am not sure you have done the right thing in encouraging her to come home. This will not have increased her confidence to deal with things, but I am also conscious that 18 is a tricky age - still part child, and part adult. Staying and working through this would have been excellent life experience, but I do also see your anxiety about the situation. I hope it works out for her (and you)

GUARDIAN1 · 09/12/2022 17:56

If she doesn't want to come home, she will need to sort things out for herself. Get herself to a city, see if there's a YWCA hostel she could stay in, look for alternative work.

TakingTime2 · 09/12/2022 17:57

EmilioSoup · 09/12/2022 17:46

The world is harsh, and I’ll always encourage DD to do things, work hard and provide for herself, but as a parent my home will always be open to her as a safe haven if shit ever hits the fan for her and she needs somewhere to go. So I don’t feel I’m giving her unrealistic expectations by welcoming her back home rather than telling her to stay and sort it out. Does that make sense?

Makes complete sense op and the exact ethos I plan to have with my dc.

I remember going home a few times myself as an adult, sometimes when shit hits the fan you just get this overwhelming urge to be at home no matter how old you are.

Layersoftaytoes · 09/12/2022 18:07

Could she do a bit more saving back in the UKand then head off to Australia? She’s clearly capable of travel and sounds like she has a strong head on her shoulders so 6 more months of savings, get her finances topped up and head to Oz? I went there on my own after my friend dropped out (without telling me!), I arrived in Sydney airport in tears as it was obvious my friend wasn’t coming and I was suddenly terrified. Told myself to stick it out 2 weeks or go back home. I had saved £2000 and had absolutely no plans or any idea what I was going to do, I was just sort of hoping to Bob along with my friend. Anyway… 2 weeks in.. I absolutely loved it. I travelled the East Coast on my own, made so many friends, got a bar job on an island, ended up staying until the very last day of my year visa! I’m still close with a lot of friends I made there. Turned out to be the best thing, doing it alone. It forced me to socialise and I wasn’t “held back” by anyone. I hope your daughter gives travelling another go and doesn’t let Canada be her last travel chapter! ❤️

Hooverphobe · 09/12/2022 18:15

Unless she’s a ski-bunny, Banff was an unusual choice to have made (in November!). Can she gather her thoughts and give it another whirl in the new year in perhaps a more forgiving climate?

I’ve got tons of family in Alberta - but we’re all ski nuts and have done “hospitality” for the proximity to the slopes alone.

FerryYaBerryLa · 09/12/2022 18:37

Layersoftaytoes · 09/12/2022 18:07

Could she do a bit more saving back in the UKand then head off to Australia? She’s clearly capable of travel and sounds like she has a strong head on her shoulders so 6 more months of savings, get her finances topped up and head to Oz? I went there on my own after my friend dropped out (without telling me!), I arrived in Sydney airport in tears as it was obvious my friend wasn’t coming and I was suddenly terrified. Told myself to stick it out 2 weeks or go back home. I had saved £2000 and had absolutely no plans or any idea what I was going to do, I was just sort of hoping to Bob along with my friend. Anyway… 2 weeks in.. I absolutely loved it. I travelled the East Coast on my own, made so many friends, got a bar job on an island, ended up staying until the very last day of my year visa! I’m still close with a lot of friends I made there. Turned out to be the best thing, doing it alone. It forced me to socialise and I wasn’t “held back” by anyone. I hope your daughter gives travelling another go and doesn’t let Canada be her last travel chapter! ❤️

That is awesome, what a great experience, thanks for sharing!

DeliberatelyObtuse · 09/12/2022 18:44

So glad to hear she's on her way home

She can rest and recover and rethink her plans

Perhaps some down time until after Christmas and then back to her old job

She gave it a go and she should be super proud of herself

whatayear22 · 09/12/2022 18:49

I'm sure her security/ room / system passes or whatever they are called would all tied in together, so they wouldn't be able to extend it. Once someone is out, they are out. It's not their fault she didn't have much contingency. And they wouldn't want someone in the company dorm badmouthing the company.

Lizzylum · 09/12/2022 18:50

I’d say to her. Come home. Take stock. And try again when she’s ready. She’s very young. Plenty of time. Just because others have done it doesn’t matter. She will fly when she’s ready again

ganachee · 09/12/2022 18:55

EmilioSoup · 09/12/2022 17:41

She always has been ‘with it’, genuinely. I had no concerns at all about her going! Didn’t need any help at all going through the visa process. She usually is very practical and organised. The staff accommodation is/was basic (like uni dorms) but she didn’t mind that at all. She liked the sound if it for the social aspect.

I think the illness has messed with her head. She got terribly unlucky being ill so soon, and once she’s realised she hasn’t fully recovered and still isn’t well she’s become depressed. It also birthed bad feelings from her employers, and if that’s happened within the first week I can imagine it’s hard to come back from. I think she’s having a mental health episode, I don’t mean a psychotic episode or anything, but she’s angry at what’s happened and is self-sabotaging maybe (spending money unnecessarily). That’s why I don’t think staying and trying to tough it out is necessarily a good idea. She was mentally coping with her illness (still down, but managing) up until the job fired her, and I think it’s just set something off. She needs to come home and recuperate. It’s all well and good saying “the real world is harsh” bla bla bla, but at the end of the day it’s just a gap year trip, she’s not got a mortgage and kids to feed has she? So if she needs to recuperate, why shouldn’t she utilise coming home to family support and a comfortable bedroom to sleep in whilst she gets well? Most parents would offer that to their DC, surely?

She is doing the right thing as are you supporting her to come home. As some of us have said on here, she is physically unwell and the best thing for her is to come home, rest and recuperate. This will give her the best chance of recovery and then she can make future plans. It is also not surprising if she is feeling mentally down as well, it will be v disappointing to have organised what she hoped would have been a fun trip living in Canada for six months with other young people to then get ill and struggle to do the job. I wish her all the best.

Daffi · 09/12/2022 18:55

Brits aren't suited to hotel work, they are far too lazy

gourmetperle · 09/12/2022 19:01

Daffi · 09/12/2022 18:55

Brits aren't suited to hotel work, they are far too lazy

I beg your pardon?

pattihews · 09/12/2022 19:03

Just googled Canmore hostels and if your daughter can get there (there must be buses) tomorrow she can have a bed in a dorm for less than $50 a night.

canmoredowntownhostel.ca

That's a whole week for the price of a night in her swanky hotel. I've checked it and there's choice available.

In a hostel she'll have companionship, advice from staff and other guests and the opportunity to job hunt. Even if she's there for a fortnight she should be able to afford it if she's careful with food and drink costs. She ought to be able to get there on a bus. Tell her to take ordinary local buses. You'll always pay a premium for the airport shuttle but she'll almost certainly be able to get to the airport using slower but cheaper services.

When you're 18 and panicking and inexperienced it's difficult to make good decisions. Your role, OP, is not to panic but to provide advice and a plan to enable her to turn this into a success.

Original poster
EmilioSoup · 09/12/2022 19:03

@Daffi

It’s a good job there’s no hotels in the UK then, isn’t it?

OP posts:
ganachee · 09/12/2022 19:04

Daffi · 09/12/2022 18:55

Brits aren't suited to hotel work, they are far too lazy

What an ignorant load of nonsense. The girl is recovering from post viral symptoms. She needs to rest, recuperate and get her health back.

Daffi · 09/12/2022 19:06

EmilioSoup · 09/12/2022 19:03

@Daffi

It’s a good job there’s no hotels in the UK then, isn’t it?

Have you seen many British staff in them? There is a crisis in the industry since Brexit, do you watch the news?

gourmetperle · 09/12/2022 19:12

I have met plenty of good British hotel staff. Way to write off a whole nationality as being capable of certain jobs 🤦‍♀️

CPL593H · 09/12/2022 19:13

Daffi · 09/12/2022 18:55

Brits aren't suited to hotel work, they are far too lazy

Substitute "lazy" for "unprepared to work long unsociable hours for wages that cannot support a home and family in the UK"

Burgoo · 09/12/2022 19:17

@EmilioSoup It sounds terrible for your daughter and my thoughts are with you all in such a tough situation.

What strikes me is how you seem to have a strong urge to defend her and the attitude toward a suggestion that she may have ASD is rather interesting. People can have many friends, do well at school etc and still have autism. In fact, ASD in girls is FAR more masked because they look like they are fully functioning.

Is there any way in which this feedback may actually be accurate? Most employers don't give that type of feedback unless there is at least a kernel of truth in it and I am always really reluctant to jump to being defensive when getting any feedback.

Just some thoughts on the feedback:

"“X seems to lack basic social skills, struggling in interactions with guests. She is robotic. We suggest X seeks support for this and an assessment.” (This seems to be implying that my daughter has ASD or something? She certainly doesn’t! Has always had many friends and been fine in school and other customer facing jobs! ASD has never, ever been on anybody’s radar. How can they think it’s okay to say this in a work review?)

I would like some clarification on the first point re: social skills. She may well not "fit" in that culture in terms of what is expected. The UK is full of fairly aloof people and I wonder whether she has gotten away with customer facing jobs in the past because in the UK we don't value it all that much? For example, I don't want you to talk to me when booking me into a hotel! I want you to get my key, tell me what time to get out and occasionally carry the bags if that is included. In Canada it may well be that you have to do the niceties and if you don't then you really stand out. Is she robotic? You are probably not the best judge, because you will always see her behaviour as normal. My sibling has autism but my family never once even thought it to be the case. Why? Because she was "just being her". In terms of the suggestion, yes it is not polite in the UK and it may well be that the suggestion is coming from a place of wanting her to get the right support. Who knows?

“X causes other staff members stress due to her incapabilities. Newer staff members are a lot more capable than X. X is a hindrance on every shift she is on.”

I want to know more about what this incapability is. If she doesn't do stuff, takes a long time to do fairly standard tasks or needs a fair amount of guidance then it makes sense they would get stressed. Given that this isn't a high end, intellectually taxing profession that requires a great deal of skill and technical expertise. Nobody wants to drag another person through a shift.

“X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality.”"

Is she claiming to be ill? We all CLAIM that we are ill, even when we are ill. It is a very abrasive term that comes off like they don't believe her. Though again we can't attribute motives. It sounds like she turned up late a lot. That is a problem and will be in any job.

I would really advise against making the assumption that 1) it was put to her in bad faith and 2) that it is all nonsense. But I do also get that she is your daughter and you will, instinctively, want to defend her.

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2022 19:19

EmilioSoup · 08/12/2022 19:22

In a way I understand it’ll be a really good character building experience if she stays and sticks it out. But also, I don’t know if it’s worth it for a sake of what was supposed to be a 6 month gap year opportunity living in the mountains and having fun. If she goes to Calgary, can only afford a seedy flatshare, and gets a horrible job and has no friends or support system it will be crap for her.

I have a DD 18 who is doing something very similar for her gap year and has had some roadblocks thrown her way, so I'm more than empathetic to what your DD is going through - it sucks for your DD and it's quite the disappointment. My DD had to readjust and find a new opportunity and it was a lot of work and a lot of disappointment. The new situation has since worked out and she's quite happy, but for several months, she was miserable. However, I'm of a mind that sticking it out and having a kind of shit experience might be just the thing to teach her the value of a university degree or other education towards a profession. Learning that a shit job with shit pay and shit employers is the reality for most of the world's low-wage employees is a great motivator to study once in college or other professional training.