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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a Friday family wedding...

135 replies

MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 14:17

We've been invited to brother's step son's wedding on a Friday. Originally we were told it was a Saturday so rsvp'd with a yes. Then later learnt that it's a Friday, upon discovering this via another family member I told my brother that we can't come. I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper, and for someone who we don't really know, are not close to etc. My brother and SIL are now very cross, and saying things like:

I'm putting others before family
that my career is more important to me than family
that they will look bad if I am not there
that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work
I am making them look stupid
I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go
they've spent so much money
why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading
I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc.

They went on to say my job is not that vital, that they've given months of notice (with the incorrect date), that I have to be there, why do I take my job so seriously, why is my job more important than family, that people with low moral values even take time out for family why don't I...it goes on.

I've tried my best to explain about the patients vulnerability and the importance of not cancelling procedures, but they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us. Neither of them work, they are retired.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, am I being unreasonable?
What should I say to them? I feel so pressured. They will probably fall out with me for good.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 08/12/2022 14:30

How much notice have you had with the correct date?

EL8888 · 08/12/2022 14:32

How much notice have they given you of the actual day of it? Have they acknowledged the day change?

LT2 · 08/12/2022 14:35

Yes, more information needed. When were you informed of the date?

IamSmarticus · 08/12/2022 14:36

So are you saying that you can never book any annual leave/a day off without giving a years notice?

Ponderingwindow · 08/12/2022 14:36

Dates should be cleared with essential guests before venues are booked. You are clearly not an essential guest.

so then the question becomes if they gave the correct date and you just assumed it was on a weekend or if they have you the wrong date entirely.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 08/12/2022 14:37

So have you been sent an actual invite with the Saturday date on our a save the date,? How did you get invited originally?

luxxlisbon · 08/12/2022 14:38

I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper

Well you obviously get annual leave so what do they do without you the rest of the year?

You obviously just don’t want to go which is your call but no point going on about vulnerable patients when you could just take the day off.

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 15:09

I was told of the actual date late November, the wedding is in 8 weeks.

I can take annual leave, it is planned twice a year for the 6 month period ahead. I would have taken it had I had the right notice.

I would be happy to go on a Saturday too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 15:10

@luxxlisbon I can't just take the day off like that, the leave has to be planned and scheduled in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 15:11

@Pollyputthekettleonha no invite, I was told verbally to save the date, then messaged to confirm the date in writing, and they responded to confirm it was a Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 15:12

@EL8888 they have acknowledged they made a mistake, but only when I asked them about it. No apology, but just demanding that I still come, and that 8 weeks notice should be enough to change my patients.

OP posts:
Lovetotravel123 · 08/12/2022 15:19

Personally, I think that if people have a Friday wedding they shouldn’t expect everyone to attend. It’s the risk they take. People shouldn’t be forced to take precious annual leave for things they don’t really want to do. Carry on with your work. Family members like this will always find things to be offended by.

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/12/2022 15:23

You can't argue with stupid OP, there's no point in trying.

ImAvingOops · 08/12/2022 15:25

They are being ridiculous - I'd be furious if I, or my family, had important treatment cancelled so that someone could go to a wedding at short notice. I'd be surprised if your leave request was approved anyway - avoiding cancelled services is why people in your pod have to book leave 6 months in advance!
They are being massively selfish and unreasonable. They shouldn't be putting this pressure on you, it's so unfair on top of the responsibility you already have.

blacksax · 08/12/2022 15:28

Your brother and SIL won't look bad or be embarrassed if you're not there.

Convo:
Random guest - " Where's Marina?"
DB/SIL - "She wanted to be here but couldn't get the day off work".
RG - "Oh, what a pity."
End of convo.

Jo586 · 08/12/2022 15:32

Good grief what a family, best thing to avoid that wedding. Feel sorry that you endure these daft comments from them.

startfresh · 08/12/2022 16:07

"I understand your point, I'll see what I can do"

Go back 4 days later

"I was unable to book leave, it's not enough notice for a wedding and appointments are in place"

You could even have a "chat" with whoever you book your leave with so you wouldn't even be lying "you wouldn't let me book leave for this reason on this date, right? Thanks! Said I would check"

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 16:13

YANBU.

What a shower they are🙄

100% THEIR mistake.

ifonly4 · 08/12/2022 16:18

If you genuinely can't get time off, then just tell them you've checked and that's the case.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2022 16:26

Everyone I know who works in healthcare is able to negotiate swapping shifts with colleagues for something important like this. So unless you have some totally unique skill surely this might be an option? It sounds like you haven’t even tried. Which makes it sound like they are right and you can’t be bothered to go to the wedding.

TVWife · 08/12/2022 16:30

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2022 16:26

Everyone I know who works in healthcare is able to negotiate swapping shifts with colleagues for something important like this. So unless you have some totally unique skill surely this might be an option? It sounds like you haven’t even tried. Which makes it sound like they are right and you can’t be bothered to go to the wedding.

Maybe the colleagues in question have already booked that day off

TidyDancer · 08/12/2022 16:30

Could you attend the evening only? I'm not really a fan of evening only invitations but this would seem like the middle ground compromise.

If there's no way to attend the whole thing without disrupting patients then I'm not sure what else you can do.

TVWife · 08/12/2022 16:33

@MarinaCarina - have you asked your DB how he would feel if he was a patient and had his appointment cancelled because an HCP decided to go to a wedding with insufficient notice to arrange cover?

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:37

@ImAvingOops yes I agree, some patients have waited more than a year, it really is awful. I just can't. The family even suggested I call in sick, I really couldn't do this.

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/12/2022 16:39

They are manipulating you. They KNOW they cocked up and they are trying to get you to take the fall out to blame for it.

Basically, the truth to the following is:
I'm putting others before family - you're putting yourselves above the responsibilities of others

that my career is more important to me than family - if the date is important to you that I attend, you CHECK with me first and if you have made the error (as you have done) YOU need to understand that not everything can be dropped to suit

that they will look bad if I am not there they won't. this is classic Narc. Literally NOBODY will give a shit or even as tbh

that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work see above, it's not embarrassing, it's a work day, oh and for bonus points, it's an invitation not a summons

I am making them look stupid they are doing that ALL by themselves

I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go I am your only sister, you should book it on a day I am not working

they've spent so much money their issue, totally up to them, one more or less will make no difference at all

why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading *only if they push it like this, it's not ruining everything, for all the above, why is is SO difficult the them to say we're sorry, we screwed up..."

I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc. *well, totally irrelevant, but if you carry on blaming me for a mistake you have made and expect me to fix it... perhaps there might be a funeral yes... :D"