To not go to a Friday family wedding...

[MarinaCarina]

We've been invited to brother's step son's wedding on a Friday. Originally we were told it was a Saturday so rsvp'd with a yes. Then later learnt that it's a Friday, upon discovering this via another family member I told my brother that we can't come. I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper, and for someone who we don't really know, are not close to etc. My brother and SIL are now very cross, and saying things like:

I'm putting others before family
that my career is more important to me than family
that they will look bad if I am not there
that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work
I am making them look stupid
I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go
they've spent so much money
why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading
I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc.

They went on to say my job is not that vital, that they've given months of notice (with the incorrect date), that I have to be there, why do I take my job so seriously, why is my job more important than family, that people with low moral values even take time out for family why don't I...it goes on.

I've tried my best to explain about the patients vulnerability and the importance of not cancelling procedures, but they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us. Neither of them work, they are retired.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, am I being unreasonable?
What should I say to them? I feel so pressured. They will probably fall out with me for good.

Just tell them you've asked for annual leave and it was denied as it's too short notice. But tell them in a way that you're cross with THEM for causing this situation by giving you wrong date, not cross with your work. And every time they try to gaslight you then turn it back on them at how disappointed you are you can't go because they gave you the wrong date. Repeat every time

They sound insanely hard work and I think you won't miss out on much not going! I can't think their wedding will be enjoyable 😁

But I have always assumed that specialist medical procedures can (and do!) move. My child was due to have operation next Tuesday, but for "personal family reasons" for the surgeon, it was moved to today. Hence why I am awake early and stressing 😆

We had about four weeks notice of the date change and a very nice letter that basically said to contact them if it's a problem. But i shrugged and rearranged things for today.

Which makes me wonder what would you do if you were me today and it was your child was having this operation? Would you really not be able to take them/pick them up with four weeks notice because of your own work? Real life can't be planned a year in advance and this sounds very restrictive for your immediate family. Other medical procedures are not planned so far in advance.

Stuff your brother though; he sounds like a really selfish individual.

‘Personal family reasons’ would be stuff like a death, divorce or medical emergency. Not a wedding you didn’t even get invited to.

It'll be this. Loads of people will have pulled out since finding out it's actually on a Friday.

I find it so weird you've had nothing in writing. Don't go, it's an odd day, sounds like you legitimately can't get the time off, and it's not your fault if they're that disorganised they couldn't even get the day right for their own wedding!!

Nope. It's none of those reasons. The surgeon told my daughter it's so he can do some end of term stuff with his own children as he missed out so much. Which is a brilliant reason frankly. Presuming it's a nativity or the like.

A death, etc would be much shorter notice than four weeks.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts.

Somebody asked the age of the step-son, he is 29.

Some of you sound like DB, as if it's simple to take off a day, could I be off sick, yes I could, will I do that, no NEVER. It's clear to see that some of you have no grasp of the reality patients and people doing my job face. Patients have waited more than 2.5 years for their procedures. In fact there are some on my list that have waited 4 years. This crisis is real, wake up. How would you feel if your operation was delayed or cancelled after such a long wait? Good grief.

Could be loads of things - only hand surgeon in a small trust, only renal obstetric physician, only respiratory physician with an interest in CF in a smaller trust… Lots of subspecialty things which her colleagues can’t easily cross-cover.

If she’s a surgeon, not every surgeon in her specialty will be as practised at every single operation - people tend to specialise in particular areas, even within orthopaedics or gynaecology or whatever. Her colleagues could learn, but they aren’t going to be as good as somebody doing it every week.

Is it possible to go after work to the evening do? If local enough that's what I would do, ideally turning up in scrubs to make a point

@Changechangychange

And whatever the specialty, there's not a pool of out of work surgeons or theatre nurses you can call upon anyway.

My friend works as a team of 6 in her speciality, if anyone is sick/absent then they cannot proceed with the list - there is ability to get some positions from bank agencies but you need notice for that even, the drs are rarely replaceable

Some posters don't seem to understand that not all healthcare jobs are the same - you can't just "do a swap" with someone if you are in a highly specialised role. I know this from personal experience. The OP also has a duty to put her patients first.

Add to that the fact that she barely knows the people getting married, and her relatives sound rather unpleasant, why should she go?
Family is most definitely NOT more important than anything else!

So many posters seem incapable of reading the whole thread before jumping to conclusions.

And really, why is it so important to attend this wedding? Your DB has only been involved with this woman for two years and you have only met the son a handful of times ... I can't believe he really cares if you attend the wedding or not. And the fact that you are not invited to attend the evening reception says it all .... .

It sounds as though your life would be a lot calmer without these people in your life.

@Hbh17 Yes, my relatives have been unpleasant, and the constant complaints over the years that I never make time for them, and choose my job has worn me down, this is the last straw. Despite this I make time to see them 3 times a year, which I am told isn't enough, nor do I make enough phone calls to them. I have three older DC, DH with a busy job, and in our spare time we need rest and togetherness. I just want to walk my dogs and play board games with my family. Though I was very happy to go to the wedding when it was a Saturday, their behaviour has shown me that I don't want to see them, they are stressful, and at any event they insist I go to I am introduced by my job title not just as the person I am. I'm fed up and cross. I am a grown woman, with a professional career, I cannot believe I have allowed family members to bully me like this, as dramatic as that may sound.

Yet I feel guilty. And I weep.

@MarinaCarina
Your brother sounds unhinged.
Are you a very very important person that he has boasted about to others and was dying to show you off and impress others ?

You must be an intelligent person doing the job you do so don't give it any more headspace. It's batsh*ttery.

I'd be going very very low contact with brother from now on.

OP, you need some counselling to help you understand why you are entertaining this at all.

Their behaviour is NOT normal.

Neither is your response.

Why has this dreadful person such power over a grown woman?

Why have you continued to engage with a bullying sibling who upsets you so much.

People go no contact for far less.

I really kindly suggest you get some help for yourself.

The best present you could give yourself would be to block each and every number of anyone who causes you anxiety in your life.

I am late 50's, what age are you?

This stress is really not good for you.

@billy1966

Thank you, yes I do need help, I'm going to look into therapy.
I am 45.
He is 60.
He has always dominated me throughout childhood, and in adult life.
It basically never stopped. Perhaps I didn't assert myself enough, though each time I did I was met with outrage. Which made me feel scared of saying no, and his words made me feel guilty.

I would consider blocking them, they have already blocked me as they often do when they don't get their way. I should say him, not they. SIL will have blocked me on his instruction.

Oh they want you to attend for the status of your job!!

The irony 🤬

If nothing you do is good enough then just stop bothering he clearly doesn't value you as his sister, a human being.

OP your brother sounds so unreasonable. If it was that important he would have given you the correct date. For Some jobs annual leave is very carefully planned months in advance, most rational people know this.

We got married on a Thursday after postponing our initial date due to Covid. Our choice was get married on a Thursday or else wait another 18 months for a weekend date. We knew we would lose guests by getting married on a Thursday. We are still on good terms with people we invited who couldn’t come due to other commitments.

I wonder if your brother is resentful of your career.

Honestly I’d block him back, then he’ll get a shock when he unblocks you (and you’ll get some respite).

Working in the NHS is stressful enough at the minute without this extra stress on your head - you should block him, have a nice Christmas with your family and lovely colleagues, and just forget this massive drama over nothing.

The bride and groom are not going to care that their mum’s boyfriend’s sister couldn’t make it. They will probably be glad there is more space to invite their own friends.

They haven’t even sent you an invitation, so honestly I wouldn’t even be 100% confident you even are invited (maybe your DBro is bullying the B&G to invite his entire extended family like he is bullying you? He sounds totally unhinged).

If they've already blocked you, you have nothing to lose...Block them and be done with the drama and abuse they treat you with.
Don't look back and enjoy your weekends with your family.

Yes DB is often reactive and angry when he doesn't get his way with others, I've seen him do this more with others than with me, though he has done this with me 3 times. He tells me he is entitled to be angry at me and it's my fault he is angry, which is absurd. He also demands explanations when I say I am not available, he wants to know the reason so he can decide if its valid.

oh op reading this and your other posts makes me so angry. He's a fucker, you know he is and you seem to have acknowledged that without him in your life, you'll have a much nicer time.

In your shoes? I wouldn't contact him again, let him contact you. If he nags you about the wedding tell him you've already told him you can't come because of the mistake over the dates and that is your final word. If he says "well i'm never speaking to you again" remind him that is in his power and is his decision. Wish them a nice day and that is it. You're off the hook!

You poor woman.

So you have been emotionally abused by him for many years.

15 years is a huge gap.

Please block them both back and tell your husband to do so too.

You really need therapy, urgently.

Get a good recommendation.

It will help you understand your responses to this bullying and give you strength to enforce boundaries that will protect you going forward.

He is not normal.

He is an abuser.

You are the victim of abuse.

You do not want this man near your life.

You’re not being unreasonable

Your families first and biggest error was giving you the incorrect date for the wedding
I don’t want anyone thinking I’m bashing midweek weddings but unfortunately this is a con of choosing a date where the majority of people are working and if you do decide to go for midweek you need to understand not everyone can make it. I had mine on a Saturday because of this reason - a lot of teacher friends, some doctors and children at school
They should of checked the date with you before booking their wedding if it was that important for you to be there

I bet your family would be the first to complain if their procedure that they’ve been waiting on for years got cancelled last minute!

They are very unreasonable

Sharing dna isn't a law to have these twats in your life.
Make 2023 the year you stop giving a fuck what they think of you op.