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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a Friday family wedding...

135 replies

MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 14:17

We've been invited to brother's step son's wedding on a Friday. Originally we were told it was a Saturday so rsvp'd with a yes. Then later learnt that it's a Friday, upon discovering this via another family member I told my brother that we can't come. I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper, and for someone who we don't really know, are not close to etc. My brother and SIL are now very cross, and saying things like:

I'm putting others before family
that my career is more important to me than family
that they will look bad if I am not there
that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work
I am making them look stupid
I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go
they've spent so much money
why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading
I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc.

They went on to say my job is not that vital, that they've given months of notice (with the incorrect date), that I have to be there, why do I take my job so seriously, why is my job more important than family, that people with low moral values even take time out for family why don't I...it goes on.

I've tried my best to explain about the patients vulnerability and the importance of not cancelling procedures, but they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us. Neither of them work, they are retired.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, am I being unreasonable?
What should I say to them? I feel so pressured. They will probably fall out with me for good.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 08/12/2022 19:39

Your db sounds like a tool and I put money on it he hates that you have a job he clearly feels is better than his own.

This is such a non issue I bet he's loving the dramatics of it all - his poor wife.

You deserve better

CatSeany · 08/12/2022 19:41

Surely you don't have to give a years notice for all annual leave? If you wanted to go on holiday then that would result in someone having to cover for you/clinics being rearranged too? I can understand not wanting to go to a Friday wedding, but I'm not sure that's really the reason behind it.

Bridgi · 08/12/2022 19:41

@CatSeany read all of the OPs posts. She has already explained herself.

Changechangychange · 08/12/2022 19:43

IamSmarticus · 08/12/2022 14:36

So are you saying that you can never book any annual leave/a day off without giving a years notice?

Generally 8 weeks in the NHS. We can’t cancel clinics appts or procedures with less notice than that, unless it is for unexpected sickness or something.

My DS’s primary school keep changing the dates of Christmas shows etc and it is so annoying, I’ll have cancelled clinics so I can attend and then still find I can’t because they’ve changed from Wednesday to Thursday or something.

ForestofD · 08/12/2022 19:43

You seem to be making yourself small to appease your brother.

You've got a good job, which requires a particular skill, which not many people have. That's a good thing. I don't mean walking around showing off- but you have this job because of skill and presumably hard work. My brother would be proud of what I've achieved, not keen to put me down.

I think the real issue is not the wedding but how he treats you. He seems to be using this as an excuse to push you down in everyone's estimation. Call the B&G. Apologise and send them a lovely gift directly. Tell your brother to get knotted.

Jellybean23 · 08/12/2022 19:50

Sounds like your brother is jealous of your successful career. Bypass him and explain to his stepson why you can't come and how sorry you are. If your brother and SIL never speak to you again, it's their loss, not yours.

You were not responsible for their errors and omissions but aggressively blaming you is their way of covering it up. Do they see this as losing face? If so, how ridiculous.

Genevieva · 08/12/2022 20:06

If I am honest, it sounds like your brother is more than a little jealous of your career success.

I think you need to say you are terribly sorry but your contract of employment does not allow you to change your holiday dates at such short notice. If he suggests you pull a sicky again then you raise an eyebrow and tell him not to be ridiculous. That is not how responsible adults behave. It is unfortunate. You would have loved to come and would still love to join them in the evening.

Genevieva · 08/12/2022 20:09

This is also a salutary lesson in not sending proper invitations. I can't believe someone would 'spend so much money' and not bother with written invitations that contain all the details about the event and how to RSVP. Such formalities exist for good reason.

anon666 · 08/12/2022 20:12

Yanbu

Friday weddings always carry the risk of non attendance for people like yourself who can't get time off.

Teachers can't get a day off. Anyone with school aged kids can't pull them out. Etc

I lost a friend because I couldn't attend her dad's funeral. I love her and I loved her dad, he was wonderful. But neither my job nor my life allowed any flexibility at that point.

Now I would go in a heartbeat. Different circumstances.

Frazzled2207 · 08/12/2022 20:14

They are being hugely unreasonable

that said I would speak to your boss nicely and see if anything can be done
and if it’s a no at least you know and you can tell them that you’ve asked and it’s a no-can-do situation

Frazzled2207 · 08/12/2022 20:14

ps we got married on a Friday and we checked with key people if it would be ok before fixing the date

NoAlexa · 08/12/2022 20:50

MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:39

@WorkingItOutAsIGo I do indeed have a unique skill, and there isn't any option for anyone else to carry out these procedures. I have asked and checked the possibility of time off, swaps etc, there isn't one.

What on earth do you do that you are the only one?

Cheeseandhoney · 08/12/2022 20:54

It’s a lack of understanding, they just don’t understand how important you are, about your skills or status and how no one else can stand in for you due to it. I’d not be angry but I’d assume they don’t know how special and important you are.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 08/12/2022 21:04

I wouldn't have thought the B&G would be that upset about you not attending if they have only met you twice. If there's been a general mess up with the dates and a lot of people now can't come then they are probably upset about that more generally. But they should have sent out proper invitations, it's their own fault. Your DB is probably trying to manipulate you into going because he can i.e. if others have now dropped out he won't know them well enough to start pressurising them about it. Work is work, you've done what you can but you can't go, end of story.

MaggieFS · 08/12/2022 21:17

I'm waiting for the drip feed where the OP reveals she's a consultant transplant surgeon who operates on children, but that DB still can't understand Xmas Grin

NumberTheory · 08/12/2022 22:39

MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:42

I have offered to come to the evening reception after work. But this they say is not acceptable, that if I don't go they will never speak to me again, and they believe they have every right to be angry at me having let them down.

I know it’s a bit flippant to say that this is would be a good result for you, but the more you say about him, the more true that seems. Does your brother bring anything positive to your life?

hourbyhour101 · 09/12/2022 00:11

Cheeseandhoney · 08/12/2022 20:54

It’s a lack of understanding, they just don’t understand how important you are, about your skills or status and how no one else can stand in for you due to it. I’d not be angry but I’d assume they don’t know how special and important you are.

Are you OPs DB ? 🙄

Weird that you would read into OPs post and come to this conclusion.

Unless your being genuine (but I doubt that based on tone)

CuriousMama · 09/12/2022 00:21

YADNBU he most definitely is.

Bonus though never having to speak 😂

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2022 00:28

they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us.

You are choosing your patients over your (tenuously) extended family.

And that’s OK.

Don’t justify it. You don’t need to.

Send a gift and a card with a lovely message. Think no more of it. Decline to discuss further.

FreezyWater · 09/12/2022 00:31

Am I reading this right, DB and SIL have only been together for two years? And stepson is getting married so presumably over the age of 16, you've not been in his life long?
They're fecking mad OP. go to work and enjoy the peace! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 00:36

How old is the stepson?

UsingChangeofName · 09/12/2022 00:43

Of course YANBU.
If you choose to get married on a weekday (or any weekend, come to that) you check before you book anything that the really crucial people can make that date. You then run quite a high risk that other "less close" people are likely not to be able to make it, if it is on a day when they normally work.
Some jobs more so than others which some people don't seem to be able to grasp.
Obviously, as the sister of the man the groom's mother got together with only 2 years ago, it is nice that you have been invited, but you can't really be classed as one of the really crucial people, so you are been invited along with all guests later on. It turns out that you are then one of the people that can't get time off work. I doubt very much if the B&G are particularly distressed by this.
Your DB needs to calm down, acknowledge his mistake, and apologise to you that his misinformation means it is now too late to be able to get the leave.
If he can't see that, I wouldn't engage with him at all. Just calmly state, I can't get leave that day, I am sorry. I hope they have a lovely day.

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2022 01:23

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/12/2022 16:26

Everyone I know who works in healthcare is able to negotiate swapping shifts with colleagues for something important like this. So unless you have some totally unique skill surely this might be an option? It sounds like you haven’t even tried. Which makes it sound like they are right and you can’t be bothered to go to the wedding.

This. I don't think you want to go and that they are picking that up and are hurt/offended by it.

I have a DC with a consultant with a v specialist skill set. We have moved from fortnightly, to monthly, bimonthly, quarterly and now are given 2 appointments a year, each 6 months in advance. DC is 6. We have NEVER just had one of those appointments happen. Never. We see them as a general idea of when an appointment will happen, especially as we move further into monitoring and away from v active treatment. The changes have changed from being seen 5 hours after scheduled (happened all the time. Nightmare with a toddler with v v specific dietary requirements) to the date changing by weeks.

We roll with it as I am self employed. It can be a pain , but obviously my child's health comes first, as does my health and my available to care for DC. I always wonder what parent's with fixed full time hours di

MissMaple82 · 09/12/2022 01:34

luxxlisbon · 08/12/2022 14:38

I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper

Well you obviously get annual leave so what do they do without you the rest of the year?

You obviously just don’t want to go which is your call but no point going on about vulnerable patients when you could just take the day off.

Are you really that ignorant and naive???!!

Fuuuuuckit · 09/12/2022 03:00

Fuck that op. 'Only aunt on step-dads side' - my step mum has 7 siblings and had been married to my dad for a decades when I got married - I never considered inviting any of them to my wedding, never mind throw a strop if (due to my own ineptitude) they couldn't come due to work commitments.

They are not the boss of you. You went with the info you had, now you can't go. Tough.