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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a Friday family wedding...

135 replies

MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 14:17

We've been invited to brother's step son's wedding on a Friday. Originally we were told it was a Saturday so rsvp'd with a yes. Then later learnt that it's a Friday, upon discovering this via another family member I told my brother that we can't come. I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper, and for someone who we don't really know, are not close to etc. My brother and SIL are now very cross, and saying things like:

I'm putting others before family
that my career is more important to me than family
that they will look bad if I am not there
that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work
I am making them look stupid
I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go
they've spent so much money
why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading
I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc.

They went on to say my job is not that vital, that they've given months of notice (with the incorrect date), that I have to be there, why do I take my job so seriously, why is my job more important than family, that people with low moral values even take time out for family why don't I...it goes on.

I've tried my best to explain about the patients vulnerability and the importance of not cancelling procedures, but they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us. Neither of them work, they are retired.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, am I being unreasonable?
What should I say to them? I feel so pressured. They will probably fall out with me for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:39

@WorkingItOutAsIGo I do indeed have a unique skill, and there isn't any option for anyone else to carry out these procedures. I have asked and checked the possibility of time off, swaps etc, there isn't one.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:42

I have offered to come to the evening reception after work. But this they say is not acceptable, that if I don't go they will never speak to me again, and they believe they have every right to be angry at me having let them down.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 08/12/2022 16:45

They'll get over it. Send a nice gift.

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:47

@MzHz goodness me, your reply has helped me so much. I feel like I am being bullied and pressured, I am a 45 year old woman! What nonsense. It is manipulative. I'm being blamed for their mistake, and I feel coerced by their anger at me. So much so that I posted on here hoping to get an independent view after they told me I am unreasonable. I stopped and though, and thought some more, that perhaps I am unreasonable.

Thank you so much for your time and thought.

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 08/12/2022 16:51

Just go in the evening.

Annabananna1 · 08/12/2022 16:52

I have offered to come to the evening reception after work. But this they say is not acceptable, that if I don't go they will never speak to me again, and they believe they have every right to be angry at me having let them down.

They are V Unreasonable. Your offering to go to the evening is nice and seems appropriate for the relationship. You're not close to the couple getting married. Their reaction is ridiculous.

SausageRoll2020 · 08/12/2022 16:52

So you've not actually received a physical invitation and all wedding related communication has been through the groom's stepfather. Have I got that right?

Do the bride and groom even know you've been "invited"?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/12/2022 16:55

Tomorrow on Mumsnet:

’ my important health procedure was cancelled at short notice because the selfish cow wanted to go to a family wedding’

responses : ‘Disgusting’ ‘The NHS is Broken’ ‘she shouldn’t be in a caring profession’ and of course the inevitable ‘ I blame the Tories’.

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 16:58

@SausageRoll2020 yes that's right I have not had an actual invitation, which when I pointed it out resulted in "well we told you the date, you should've followed up to ask for your invitation then you'd have got one with the correct date, so none of this would've happened"

I did point out that guests don't ask for the invitation, the host sends it, to which I was laughed at. Apparently the bride and groom do know, and are upset that I won't be there, as the only aunt on step-dads side. I've only met them twice, DB and SIL have only been together 2 years. So it's all very new.

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 08/12/2022 17:00

They are disappointed and maybe embarrassed and directing their uncomfortable feelings towards you.

You have nothing to feel bad about. It’s all very raw for them at the moment. Hopefully after a bit of time and reflection they will realise you have done nothing wrong and you can all move on.

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 17:00

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen yes exactly! I would never cancel anyone's procedure to go to a wedding, I just can't. I care too much about my patients. Yet I'm perceived as selfish, caring more for others than my extended family. Actually my patients are so lovely, much nicer than some of my extended family.

OP posts:
EVHead · 08/12/2022 17:06

I wonder if they’ve had quite a few people saying they can’t come now that the real date has been sent out. They’re annoyed at themselves/each other and they’re taking it out on you.

As @MzHz said, it’s an invitation you never sent me, not a summons.

Fuck them.

nookierookie · 08/12/2022 17:23

Just to say that you sound like an amazing committed nurse. Your relatives are unreasonable

nookierookie · 08/12/2022 17:24

Sorry, not nurse as you didn't specify - healthcare professional

Itloggedmeoutagain · 08/12/2022 17:30

Who got the date wrong? Your brother or the bride and groom?
I've never once asked someone for an invitation
They're being ridiculous

Var57 · 08/12/2022 17:39

Was the other family member who told you the correct date also told the wrong date originally and did they receive an invitation?

For them to be so enraged about an issue of their own making is ridiculous and smacks of Narc tendencies. Does your DB have form for this behaviour or does this come from the new SIL?

The B&G won't be 'upset', they barely know you and may have said 'what a shame' to be polite. They are not your family, that's just nonsense.

It almost sounds like an engineered scenario so they could purposely have a go at you. And it sounds like they know you would be upset and worried about this, and it would cause you a lot of distress. Has there been any snipping about your job before this?

Maybe them not speaking to you again wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Lkydfju · 08/12/2022 17:41

why can’t you just tell them you aren’t allowed the leave? That you asked and were told no, then it’s not your choice

MaggieFS · 08/12/2022 17:44

Of course YANBU to be unable to rearrange work with approx ten weeks' notice!

DB is being a twat. But aside from that, it is VERY ODD that you haven't received a proper invitation.

I would leave DB out of it, and phone/text/ write to the bride and groom with apologies that you can't make the revised date, best wishes, and how dearly you'd love to attend the evening but understand that isn't appropriate. Can't wait to see them soon etc.

And hear a reply from the horses mouth.

Georgeskitchen · 08/12/2022 17:45

Yanbu. Your brother sounds like a proper drama queen missing the wedding of someone your not even related to .
You have offered to go to the evening do. Why do they think that's not acceptable? Is this coming from the stepson or your brother?
Would yoir step nephew be happy that you could make the evening do only? After all, it's his wedding!!

CryCeratops · 08/12/2022 17:55

They’re being ridiculous.

All this guilt tripping about you not putting family first 🙄

That works both ways. If they really wanted you there, then they should have made the effort to:

(a) find out whether the possible wedding dates clashed with your work commitments etc;
(b) give you enough notice to book annual leave in the event of a clash between the wedding date and your work commitments.

They didn’t do this. They didn’t even send you a copy of the invitation. They’ve fucked up, either through incompetence or because the bride and groom don’t consider you a priority guest. Not totally surprising if you’ve only met the groom a couple of times.

It’s also very unlikely that your absence will make them look bad. Most people understand that people with jobs can’t always get time off. It’s a shame you can’t go, but really, this is absolutely NOT your fault.

PegSliderskew · 08/12/2022 18:03

"They will probably fall out with me for good."

Isn't it wonderful when the rubbish takes itself out?

Theskyisfallingdown · 08/12/2022 18:06

Not having these people manipulating and tantrumming at you sounds heavenly. 'yes that is a shame you got the date wrong, meaning I can't go' on repeat. Step parents aunt is a pretty tenuous link to people you've barely met, why give it a second thought?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 08/12/2022 18:12

I reckon if you suggest your gift will be sent on without you all will be good again. Imo such Cfers are counting on you spending £££..

greenhousegal · 08/12/2022 18:15

Just as an aside, Irish descent here, and Friday is THE MOST POPULAR day for weddings in Ireland. My brother is a musician and does wedding gigs, he is booked every Friday except Christmas. He has a gig on Friday 30th December also. But weddings in Ireland are something else. Three day events in a lot of cases, the BEST fun ever.

Anyway, re the OP - if anyone "demanded" that I attend something it's a sure sign I will not go. Card, pressie and regrets, and see you after the honeymoon. LOL.

Original poster
MarinaCarina · 08/12/2022 18:22

@Var57
Was the other family member who told you the correct date also told the wrong date originally and did they receive an invitation? Yes they were given the wrong date, and no paper invite.

Yes DB is often reactive and angry when he doesn't get his way with others, I've seen him do this more with others than with me, though he has done this with me 3 times. He tells me he is entitled to be angry at me and it's my fault he is angry, which is absurd. He also demands explanations when I say I am not available, he wants to know the reason so he can decide if its valid.

SIL is very mellow.

There has been lots of sniping about my job, I'm not up myself, but DB has said I must think I'm special because of my job, and that I'm arrogant, who do I think I am etc. He tells me I am hungry for recognition in my work because I want to look good. Actually I don't I just want to help people and pay my bills.

I am beginning to think that not speaking to them would make my life more peaceful. Many things I do are not good enough.

OP posts: