To not go to a Friday family wedding...

[MarinaCarina]

We've been invited to brother's step son's wedding on a Friday. Originally we were told it was a Saturday so rsvp'd with a yes. Then later learnt that it's a Friday, upon discovering this via another family member I told my brother that we can't come. I work in healthcare and patients are booked months, and sometimes more than a year in advance! I cannot cancel a day of important procedures to attend this wedding, it is not right or proper, and for someone who we don't really know, are not close to etc. My brother and SIL are now very cross, and saying things like:

I'm putting others before family
that my career is more important to me than family
that they will look bad if I am not there
that it is embarrassing for them to say I didn't come due to work
I am making them look stupid
I am the only sister, I should cancel work and go
they've spent so much money
why am I letting my job come between us and letting my job ruin family relationships, is that what I want, because thats where I'm heading
I'm so uncommitted to family that I will think nothing of missing a siblings funeral if it were to happen etc.

They went on to say my job is not that vital, that they've given months of notice (with the incorrect date), that I have to be there, why do I take my job so seriously, why is my job more important than family, that people with low moral values even take time out for family why don't I...it goes on.

I've tried my best to explain about the patients vulnerability and the importance of not cancelling procedures, but they don't understand it, and keep saying you're choosing them over us. Neither of them work, they are retired.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, am I being unreasonable?
What should I say to them? I feel so pressured. They will probably fall out with me for good.

They made a mistake just say sorry can't come on a Friday. Friday weddings are awful to get to for most people. Bride and groom save a few pounds but guests are put out. People with children can't get children off school. It is ok for small weddings or if B&G don't care if guests refuse due to a Friday. We have had to refuse 2 Friday weddings as child could not get day off from school.

Frankly if they never speak to you again I'd be taking that as a win....

Yeah, your brother's behaviour choices are repugnant. He's only been with this woman for 2 years and is using her son's wedding as a way to bully you. Don't allow that to be an option to him.

Your brother sounds most unpleasant. Did the B&G say you could not go to evening do or is this the words of your brother? I'd sent a with regret card to B&G and say you would love to attend evening do with either voucher or gift.

They are 100% in the wrong.
Does your job carry a lot of status? Surgeon? Consultant physician? Because some of his peripheral complaints sound like projection and maybe he resents your “so important” as in important job.

Whatever your job, if they’d given you the correct information in the first place and sent an invitation in a timely fashion then this situation wouldn’t have arisen.

What a tantrum!

Sounds like it would be a blessed relief if they stropped off and stopped taking to you.

Blimey. I suppose you could ring up the groom (it's HIS wedding) and have a chat,
"Josh, I wanted to say how sorry I am that I can't make the wedding, when I accepted I'd been told the 20th but heard too late it was the Friday. Our leave is scheduled in 6 month blocks and - I did ask - nobody can swap.

I would like to come to the evening do still if that's OK? ..."

etc
Now hopefully he will be mellow and go, "Oh yes of course, look forward to seeing you there" and then from that point onwards, you can just go "uh huh" and "hmm" at whatever nonsense your DB comes up with. Let him rant and paint your nails...

If the groom is less than gracious, on the other hand, then fuck 'em all!

I reckon your brother is jealous of your job your status and is taking it out on you.

Agree.

OP, it is so upsetting for people when long awaited appointments are cancelled, of course you are right to put your patients first.

Your brother sounds so ugly, I think people often quietly rejoice when they back firmly away permanently from his type.

People like that don't change.
They bring nothing but stress and upset with them.

Drop the rope!

Just go back and say

1. you told me it was a Saturday, I can’t come on a weekday
2. i have to give 6 months notice for holiday, I can’t do that
3. how would you feel if you had an appointment booked for a year and 6 weeks out get notification it’s cancelled and you have to wait another year

I am sorry I can’t come and I am sorry you can see how unreasonable you are being

hope the day goes well

I would stop speaking to them. It sounds as though your brother just wants to have a go at you. I would tell him to do one your life would be much easier without him being jealous and nasty to you.

@LightDrizzle yes I have a medical job with status, which I never ever mention, and yes he has mentioned it many times in a negative way, that I'm obsessed with it etc which is odd as I never talk about it to him. I've largely ignored it in the past, as it's been low level. But this time it has exploded.

Luxxlisbon your response makes you sound foolish with little idea how the medical profession works. If you had been waiting for a year for a medical procedure, (I recently waited for two years from referral just to be seen), you would be wailing to Mumsnet about how unfair it was. The couple are being incredibly selfish the mistake was theirs yet they have shown no compunction. If someone in these circumstances told me that they would never speak to me again I’d count it as a result.

My family have a habit of signing off invites with "this is an invitation, not a summons".

I wish it would catch on more widely.

I expect they’ve had a load of people who now can’t make it now it’s a Friday and you’re bearing the brunt of their frustration.

He's using this as an excuse to bully you. If your presence was really desperately needed there then you should have been oven a proper invitation with the correct date on with plenty of notice.

Given not oven 😂

Your brother sounds like an abusive asshole. Any normal person who lived their sister would say ‘I’m disappointed you can’t make it but I understand’ He sounds very envious of your job too.

Yes, I have to agree with this. Even your OP post just screams out you don’t want to go in the first place.

I bet if you were to speak to the groom he would be understanding. He doesn't deserve a mum and stepdad that he has.

Although he’s in the wrong, I feel a bit sorry for your DB. There’s been a balls up over the date and he’s really stressed about it. It’s important to him that you are there and he feels stuck, so he’s taking it out on you.

That said, I wonder why it’s so important to him that you’re there? You’re not really close to the B & G. He seems very het up about ‘how it looks’ - why? Odd.

I met my stepdad’s only sister once, maybe twice. She was a nice lady, but it never would have occurred to me in a million years to invite her to my wedding.

Your brother is an arse who need someone like that in their life?

If they told everyone the wrong save the date I guess no one can make it.

If you book a weekday wedding you will find that more people can’t come, but it’s a bit cheaper for you. It’s a trade off. I wouldn’t let them manipulate me.

I wonder if the reason he is so annoyed is because he had a big tantrum and insisted that you must be invited. And now you can’t come he looks like a big tantrumming fool.