He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

The OP's DD is only there a few mornings a week from 9.30-11.30. The OP would have to return from dropping her off, depending where it is could be 15 more minutes. She probably then has to set off at least 15 minutes early to go get her. So actual time she has more like 90 minutes tops.

Actually you're the one missing the facts as the 9.30-11.30 is the time the OP reckons she is available to work, having already factored in a 30 minute buffer either end to get herself home/work. Presumably her DD is in nursery for a standard 9-12 session.

Well yeah, a 'high needs' child is probably better off with a parent if they can be. Which they can.

You can't afford not to work, same as most parents. Your dd is 4 and will be in ft school next year. I'd Put her in childcare 2 full days a week and get a 0.4 job. Even of those days are stressful for you all, it's only 2 days. You will still have 5 days with her!

Sounds like a lot of I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT foot stamping.

Finally, she's not against working but she's happy to work evenings and weekends tutoring which would be perfect and flexible. Her child's father is the one that's unwilling to take on the childcare of his own child while she's out. But he expects her to do it all AND THEN GO TO WORK DURING THE ONLY CHILD FREE TIME SHE HAS - LIKE LESS THAN 6 HOURS PER WEEK? Where's her free time?

So it's unreasonable for the mother not to have free time, but perfectly fine for the father not to (if he spends all his time either working or childcaring)?

Yes - he needs decent time off. Being the sole earner is stressful when money is tight. He might even be more amenable to evening parenting (not EVERY evening) if OP was prepared to concede that he has needs too.

I understand exactly where you are coming from.

I think posters are assuming that your Dd has ADHD and that doesn’t matter and looking at their own NT children and thinking life is the same as theirs and if they can do it then why can’t you.

The issue you have is

1. Your Dd has more than likely ADHD which would get worse if she gets overwhelmed and everything gets too much and then you are caught between trying to get her ready in the morning and keeping her calm and away from triggers (I have 2 children with ADHD so I understand your routine)
2. Your Dh thinks that you going to work and doing 9-5 will bring more money in and ease his lifestyle. You continue to do everything and he assumes he will only have to give up 50% of his salary to keep the house going and not 100%

It seems he doesn’t want to pay his share of childcare, cooking, cleaning, do his share of the school run and pickups during the day if there is a problem.

He just wants you to go out to work when he wants you to because when you do childcare during the day he thinks you aren’t working but when you suggest that you could make more money by doing evenings suddenly the childcare becomes work he will have to do.

I would suggest that he needs to think what he actually wants.

If you go back to work during the day like he wants then he is going to have to start pulling his finger out and start looking after his own child and not be too precious about his morning routine and getting Dd up, dressed and delivered to pre school/school and not getting to work at 9am a few days per week and leaving early a few days per week for pick ups.
He is going to have to start cooking and cleaning as well.

He also needs to look at how much his share of childcare actually is.

or
The status quo remains but he takes over for a few hours in the evening whilst you go to work.

He is going to have to do the same thing if he insists on you working during the day so I can’t see the difference.

For me I never went back to work f/t as dh’s job meant he wasn’t in the country 3weeks out of every 4 and when he broached the subject of me returning to work I pointed out that he would need to be around for to do his share and I what I could earn compared to the nursery or wrap around care fees for 2 ADHD children would mean our income would drop.

YABU, being a SAHM to a 4 year old is a luxury many can’t afford, including you.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed, that you were the one working, stressed about money and your husband refused to get a job?

You don’t sound like a team at all.

I completely agree with this. I’ve seen it in my personal life too, I think it’s crackers. Leads to so much resentment later on, as it’s rarely a joint decision.

I agree with others look for a 0.4/0.6 teaching job. DD gets used to longer days in childcare in prep for school. You earn a decent amount. You get a PENSION. That's v important as well.

Don’t be ridiculous. Hoovering and playing shops with your wain doesn’t pay the bills.

You don't seem to be much of a team.

He resents you not earning.

You seem to resent him taking time off work and pushing you to get a job.

He worries about money.

You are comfortable to let bills build up a little.

You both seem to make decisions independently even if the outcome affects the whole family.

I think this is bigger than a money issue.

What's your plan if he divorces you, @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts?

Working 9-5 is not “only”
YABU

I think tutoring sounds like a really good option personally. It normally has a good hourly rate so youd have less hours of that compared to other roles.

It is very tiring working all day and being in sole charge of a child after, but is also tiring being in charge of a child all day then going to work. Its just life with small children. Being tired all the time and having no spare time.

The OP's DD is only there a few mornings a week from 9.30-11.30. The OP would have to return from dropping her off, depending where it is could be 15 more minutes. She probably then has to set off at least 15 minutes early to go get her. So actual time she has more like 90 minutes tops.

But she doesn't have to be ONLY there from 9:30 - 11.30.
OP could increase that, & needs to start gradually structuring that increase in anyway, because DD starts school in a year.

They aren’t a team as the Dh doesn’t want to do his share of household stuff if op did return to work f/t

Op has said she wants to return but the most profitable way and the least stress on her, dd and her Dh who doesn’t actually want to contribute to the household in any practical way is for op to work a few evenings per week.

What is the point of doing 40 hours work with all the expenses that takes when you can do 15 hours each week for the same or more money because you don’t have the added expenses

YABU. You posted saying you don't want to work full time anymore, then in the same breath said that your dh "only" works M-F 9-5 (full time). 5 hours per week of daycare is nothing at all, so no you would not be able to find a job during those hours unless you did something like grocery shop for others or food delivery. You wanted opinions and pretty much everyone agrees that you should go back to work, yet all of your responses are excuses on why you shouldn't have to. Your dd should be able to go to daycare more than a couple of hours 3 days a week and you should be able to find a part time job in that time, even if it's just 5 hours M-F. Yes, dh's job would still come before yours because his is the one that is bringing in the financial support and stability, while your income is just keeping you all afloat. I understand not wanting to work and looking out for your child, but you're doing a disservice forgetting to be and care about the family as a whole. You sound like you resent him for telling you that he needs help, and that's unfair.

I'm also interested in the clubs and activities your daughter attends. How much are you paying for those every month? Nice to have but perhaps you can't really afford those.

They aren’t a team as the Dh doesn’t want to do his share of household stuff if op did return to work f/t

How do you know that?

He's not doing the household stuff right now because he works and OP is home all day. That's fair. If OP goes back to work they should share the burden, OP needs to make that clear and stick to it.

He might be very happy to do more housework if it means OP is working and contributing.

YABU. If this was a man posting this and not working he would get absolutely flamed. You can't afford not to work.

I think you need to go back to work and pay childcare between you. He doesn't want you to do evening work he wants you to work regular hours so you have time in the evening with your DC and each other.

After a full week of work I wouldn't want to work weekends either.

I was thinking this, also wondering if school is so overwhelming for her is it partly because of all the clubs and activities.. of course additional needs would be the obvious answer but can't help but wonder if it's too much financially and physically for them both.

Well he’s not happy to care for his own child while she goes to work, so I’d hazard a guess that he’s not an helpful household figure.

Have you ever heard a mother say ‘I shouldn’t have to watch my kids after work, I’ve been working all day, it’s not fair!’ Most mums I know (and to be fair lots of dads I know) think it’s normal to work round your kids with each adult watching the kids while the other works.

Late with bills means you’re not financially OK. You need to go back to work.